[There's a deep flinch when he first starts to talk. But she'll carefully tap her throat with her fingers before quietly opening a new note on her PHS, typing for a moment and holding it out for him to read]
xie lian's brow knits, concern flashing across his expression. he... he knows, that she lost something major, just earlier this week. ]
...en. [ he agrees, quietly.
hikaru has such a short life. she is so, so very young. and the realm takes from her so much - more than many others. how cruel. ] ... I wish that there was a way I could take the burden from you of it, Miss Hikaru. For the Realm to siphon from you as if you were a bottomless well...
[she flinches again, as though the sound of her name is like glass on a chalkboard... but she shakes her head]
all of us are suffering chijin. i just wish i could have realized how bad it had gotten
i cant read most of my memory page. i checked after the dinosaurs because people were calling me something i couldnt understand. i know there used to be stuff there but its almost all gone now
the stuff that i wrote myself i remember is true but i realized that i can't remember why anymore
im scared chijin
how long has all of this been gone and i just havent realized
[ "people were calling me something i couldn't understand"...
this is the second time he's heard of this. xie lian frowns to himself, deeply, and moves to come and plop down next to her, on the floor, to offer a slightly comforting presence the moment he reads "i'm scared".
he wants to be something to lean on. ] ...I know. It's alright to be scared. I think... I think even the strongest of us are, here.
[ xie lian has done well at holding onto his own memories. there are just so many, that it is only this week that he's started to worry, and talks with others have helped to dissuade the scariest ones. but ultimately, xie lian can lose his own name - he has, before. he can lose everything, but he thinks he will still be xie lian. there is nothing that the realm can take from him that cannot already have been taken away.
so, if he needs to be a strong shoulder to rely on for others, he will. that is the best thing he can do. ]
...The fact that you were able to write it - that means you remembered it once, and that it is still a part of you. Those things have not gone missing forever. [ he's quiet as he says so, because it is the same reminder he wants to give everyone - the same one he has to give himself. ] I know them, and many others do, and even that paper is simply holding onto them, until you are able to restore them yourself.
It is okay, to be frightened, in such a terrifying situation. [ xie lian pauses, there, though, and turns to look at her, his eyes gentle, sad. ]
...Would you like to talk about what to do next? Or...if you'd like, we can simply sit for a while, too. If there is a way I can support you, I will do my best to, my young friend.
[She thinks about it for a long moment, shifting to lean herself against him as she types, just so he can watch it happen in real time. She's trembling subtely, but it's more out of exhaustion than anything else.]
id like to talk. i want your advice.
i need time to be alone today once i can eat something because i need to think about how i feel about everything
but i dont want to keep being depressed when we still have a really important job to do together
i want to apologize for ever saying i need to do things alone .i still remember it being like that. but i realized yesterday that trusting my memory now might be dangerous. i think thats what scares me the most.
xie lian's quiet for a moment, shifting to move his arm so hikaru can lean against him more solidly as he reads, and just feels...
...he feels proud, for a moment. it's been a bit of a rollercoaster the past week with this young lady, but this is growth. and growing is hard, especially if you're young, especially in a situation like this, when you've had the world on your shoulders, and had so many parts of you taken away.
as he speaks, his voice is soft, but there's a steely determination to it, a strength that calls to his experience, and his own convictions. ] ...I'm glad to hear that. All of it. It is as I said before - you can rely on all of us here to support you, as you have been so supportive to many of us. The best way to find our way through this situation is together.
You may not remember all the parts of you - the whys, and the hows - but that doesn't mean that they have left you forever. That's why we're here, to save the Realm, isn't it? To restore everything.
...When I went on that strange adventure, a few weeks back, and sat in that chair, the last thing that I remembered before I lost consciousness was the system telling me "Your heart is your only defense." I've tried to think about this entire place in that same context since; that perhaps my head may not be the same as it was when I entered, and I may have lost parts of me, but... [ he pauses, and then reaches over, to gently tap his index and pointer finger at hikaru's sternum. ] -- This is strong. And this does not change. If you can rely on it, then it will guide you to the right place.
That is what I believe.
[ this is like the third iroh speech i've written in like two days i'm so tired
anyway. ] My young friend, we will be able to move forward, with that sort of attitude. Tell me - have you picked a name to call yourself, until yours returns to you?
[She leans back into his weight as she shakes her head at his question, otherwise staying silent. Her heart knows what her mind has long forgotten...]
i didnt realize how much was gone or how much people have been trying to tell me is missing. i caught a couple things but didnt question others.
ive also gotten at least one back chijin. i dont know how.
im scared about having nothing left. but i told hua chan that i dont want to have to choose between being scared for what i have left and just letting myself disappear without even trying
who i was will come back to me through the people i care about here and the things ive told them. they hold who i was. who i will be wont be just a memory.
who i am now cant be either of those things or my heart wont make it. so i wont. even if it takes time or doesnt leave me the same person as i was my self will still grow back. just like a lock of my hair. im the one who needs to accept what it changes.
i cant see it clearly yet chijin and theres still a lot i need to think about
[ there's that quiet rise in pride again, as she types, as he reads over her shoulder.
hikaru really does remind xie lian of himself, sometimes, in ways both good and bad. the determination that she carries is one of the best things that they share, though - that desire to take on that third path. even now, years later, xie lian does not regret it. ]
...I'm glad to hear that, my young friend. If there is anything I can do to support you along that path, then I am happy to do so. The way that you approach it - I have faith, that you will be able to see it to its end.
Though, I suppose I know there is one thing. [ xie lian tilts his head to look at her properly, and gives hikaru a small nudge with his shoulder. ] I promised that I would share something with you, do you remember?
My suspicions about you were correct. I am also on Brother Goat's team.
She IMMEDIATELY scrambles up with her eyes wide and her arms crossed in an X across her chest as she rapidly shakes her head --- no no no you're not supposed to talk about that!!!!!]
[ xie lian waves his hand as she does!! hikaru. you're so cute. he appreciates the concern, but... ] I checked with Brother Goat after you and I spoke - we are able to share our team with up to three people each week who are not on the same team as us, and we are able to speak to people on our team about our shared Leader without limit.
It is only that we cannot speak of others - for instance, were I to tell you San Lang's team - as that can destabilize the Realm immediately.
xie lian's calm as he explains, staying settled on the floor where he was and watching her. if he goes up to the pot.... he will probably ruin it somehow, so. ]
Brother Goat has tasked me with gathering together the members of our team. It will be easier for us to generate nova if we are aware of each other, and if we're working together to do so - which will be easier on them in the long run, as this competition carries on.
I was the first to stop you last week, do you remember? I would not be sharing this information if I did not know it was completely safe.
[She nods to his question - yes, that much she does remember. She has a lot to ask and it's written on her face, but she scrunches it up in frustration when she opens her mouth and nothing comes out.
This sucks. :(
She is grabbing for a pair of chopsticks she had set aside, opening the pot and tasting whatever is inside... looks like rice? She'll let out a sigh of relief as she turns the oven off and moves the pot over, though, nodding for Xie Lian to take a look.
[ cute. xie lian smiles, pretty much giving off ~ good vibes ~
he hops up, reaching above her head to grab a couple bowls.]
How about I serve it, and you write? You look like you have questions... and, I can't say that I'll eat much, because I can't really taste much right now. Go ahead.
she hesitates for a second, but will concede with a quiet nod, picking her PHS back up and starting to type. She will leave it for him to read while she goes and looks for something in the fridge.]
have you had any luck finding them besides me
you dont need to tell me if you cant cause i dont want to make this situation worse but it would be really nice to know who we can talk to about goat san
did goat san tell you about what happened with the phs that one day and did you get one of your memories back too
as he scoops out the rice, he sets out two bowls, and then leans over to read, eyebrows raising as he's packing it nicely into the bowl for them. ]
First - I have found four of us so far. I think there are seven, so I am moving at a decent pace, but I'd like to find them faster. Brother Goat can only share so much information at a time. I don't think I can tell you their names - at least, I am not entirely sure - but, I think it will be best if we can wait until all of us are gathered together, so we can meet as a group.
Secondly, as for the PHS, it flashes to indicate that Brother Goat has remembered something.
And finally -- yes, I did get a memory back. Was that the only thing you received?
[Here she comes with eggs, setting them on a counter very carefully before typing some more. She would do very well in about 2 decades, she's catching on to this fast.]
ill try to talk to them about it. i was really worried last week when the rules got broken because it harmed all of them a lot i think and i wanted to do everything by myself when i woke up after that. i still do cause it feels like its all i know but its hard to ignore.
if goat san remember then that means whoever killed cater chan or sharon san was from our team then right [wow! Hate that!
She'll shake her head to the last thing.]
its under my pillow. i wore it for a couple days but after the decision i made yesterday it felt like i need to keep it apart from me for right now
Don't say too much about that - we cannot confirm or deny the team membership of any other person.
[ xie lian warns when it comes to the bit about cater and sharon, shaking his head, though it's a gentle warning. he watches her get the eggs, moving to lean against the counter so he doesn't poison anything with his bad cooking hands. ]
Brother Goat can only give it one hint a week in total for us to all find each other, so, if you would like to be the one to get a hint from them, that is fine - just please tell me if you are planning to ask, alright? They have already given me one hint this week, so they will not be able to help again until Monday. I am worried that if the information changes hands, it may overlap, and since we have precious few of the hints, I want to make sure we use them well.
That being said, there is still a little bit of time yet, this week. If you have someone that you trust very much, and you would like to share your team with them, you have time to do so - but please guard the information very carefully. Just to be safe, it may be best to only share with one other person - besides myself, since I don't count.
[ nod nod. he's looking out for your safety, here, hikaru!! at the last part, xie lian makes a quiet noise. ] I also received an item from home. [ and, turning his hand, he shows her a little red string tied around his right ring finger. ]
That came from gathering nova. Since our team was in fourth place, it's safe to assume that everyone on a team ahead of us also received the same thing.
[she'll shake her head again, pulling out Uno Egg and gesturing for her own rice bowl. Time to make a moat in her rice before she types again...]
i havent told anybody yet this week. i told only you last week and i told somebody else the week before but i dont think theyre on our team
i dont need the hints chijin i trust you and so does goat san or they wouldnt have asked you to do important things. ill just do what i can.
[she'll take a second to crack that raw egg fully into her little rice moat before taking her chopsticks and murdering the egg dead, stirring it all up, tossing a look at the red string while she does so. ???? What is it?]
[ xie lian is watching her do her little egg moat thing, and curiously going to imitate it when he realizes something. ] ....We need to come up with a name to call you... how about for now, we can call you "meimei"? It's a bit like San Lang calling me "gege", but for young ladies, instead of old men.
Alright then. [ meimei it is! he smiles, a bit, as he reads her directions and starts to do so!! stirring, stirring... ] It is a term of affection, so. Even when you do remember your true name, you could still be called "meimei".
[ and, as for her question, xie lian hums. ] Mm, kind of. San Lang gave it to me, not long before we arrived here. In our realm, it has some magical power imbued into it, but I think here, it is merely decoration; at home, it is tied directly to San Lang's life. That is to say, as long as this string is present on my finger, I know that his existence still remains in this world - so even if we are apart, I know he is safe, and vice versa, as he has the matching one.
[ xie lian laughs, a little fondly. ] Of all of the many, many, many things San Lang owns, I thought it was quite funny that we both received the same item.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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....Miss Hikaru.... did you cut your hair?
[ why have you given him so many concerns this week. ]
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hi chijin
hua chan did it for me
im sorry if it looks funny
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he'll have to ask him about that later. ] No! Not at all. I think it looks very nice! San Lang's very good at that sort of thing.
[ ...unlike xie lian... ] How nice of him to help you. Was there a reason why...?
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She'll nod, though it's hesitant.]
i forgot something important
[A beat, and then:]
ive forgotten a lot
im losing myself chijin
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xie lian's brow knits, concern flashing across his expression. he... he knows, that she lost something major, just earlier this week. ]
...en. [ he agrees, quietly.
hikaru has such a short life. she is so, so very young. and the realm takes from her so much - more than many others. how cruel. ] ... I wish that there was a way I could take the burden from you of it, Miss Hikaru. For the Realm to siphon from you as if you were a bottomless well...
[ it is almost excruciating to watch. ]
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all of us are suffering chijin. i just wish i could have realized how bad it had gotten
i cant read most of my memory page. i checked after the dinosaurs because people were calling me something i couldnt understand. i know there used to be stuff there but its almost all gone now
the stuff that i wrote myself i remember is true but i realized that i can't remember why anymore
im scared chijin
how long has all of this been gone and i just havent realized
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this is the second time he's heard of this. xie lian frowns to himself, deeply, and moves to come and plop down next to her, on the floor, to offer a slightly comforting presence the moment he reads "i'm scared".
he wants to be something to lean on. ] ...I know. It's alright to be scared. I think... I think even the strongest of us are, here.
[ xie lian has done well at holding onto his own memories. there are just so many, that it is only this week that he's started to worry, and talks with others have helped to dissuade the scariest ones. but ultimately, xie lian can lose his own name - he has, before. he can lose everything, but he thinks he will still be xie lian. there is nothing that the realm can take from him that cannot already have been taken away.
so, if he needs to be a strong shoulder to rely on for others, he will. that is the best thing he can do. ]
...The fact that you were able to write it - that means you remembered it once, and that it is still a part of you. Those things have not gone missing forever. [ he's quiet as he says so, because it is the same reminder he wants to give everyone - the same one he has to give himself. ] I know them, and many others do, and even that paper is simply holding onto them, until you are able to restore them yourself.
It is okay, to be frightened, in such a terrifying situation. [ xie lian pauses, there, though, and turns to look at her, his eyes gentle, sad. ]
...Would you like to talk about what to do next? Or...if you'd like, we can simply sit for a while, too. If there is a way I can support you, I will do my best to, my young friend.
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id like to talk. i want your advice.
i need time to be alone today once i can eat something because i need to think about how i feel about everything
but i dont want to keep being depressed when we still have a really important job to do together
i want to apologize for ever saying i need to do things alone .i still remember it being like that. but i realized yesterday that trusting my memory now might be dangerous. i think thats what scares me the most.
its why i asked hua chan to remove my braid
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xie lian's quiet for a moment, shifting to move his arm so hikaru can lean against him more solidly as he reads, and just feels...
...he feels proud, for a moment. it's been a bit of a rollercoaster the past week with this young lady, but this is growth. and growing is hard, especially if you're young, especially in a situation like this, when you've had the world on your shoulders, and had so many parts of you taken away.
as he speaks, his voice is soft, but there's a steely determination to it, a strength that calls to his experience, and his own convictions. ] ...I'm glad to hear that. All of it. It is as I said before - you can rely on all of us here to support you, as you have been so supportive to many of us. The best way to find our way through this situation is together.
You may not remember all the parts of you - the whys, and the hows - but that doesn't mean that they have left you forever. That's why we're here, to save the Realm, isn't it? To restore everything.
...When I went on that strange adventure, a few weeks back, and sat in that chair, the last thing that I remembered before I lost consciousness was the system telling me "Your heart is your only defense." I've tried to think about this entire place in that same context since; that perhaps my head may not be the same as it was when I entered, and I may have lost parts of me, but... [ he pauses, and then reaches over, to gently tap his index and pointer finger at hikaru's sternum. ] -- This is strong. And this does not change. If you can rely on it, then it will guide you to the right place.
That is what I believe.
[ this is like the third iroh speech i've written in like two days i'm so tired
anyway. ] My young friend, we will be able to move forward, with that sort of attitude. Tell me - have you picked a name to call yourself, until yours returns to you?
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i didnt realize how much was gone or how much people have been trying to tell me is missing. i caught a couple things but didnt question others.
ive also gotten at least one back chijin. i dont know how.
im scared about having nothing left. but i told hua chan that i dont want to have to choose between being scared for what i have left and just letting myself disappear without even trying
who i was will come back to me through the people i care about here and the things ive told them. they hold who i was. who i will be wont be just a memory.
who i am now cant be either of those things or my heart wont make it. so i wont. even if it takes time or doesnt leave me the same person as i was my self will still grow back. just like a lock of my hair. im the one who needs to accept what it changes.
i cant see it clearly yet chijin and theres still a lot i need to think about
but its the path i want to take.
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hikaru really does remind xie lian of himself, sometimes, in ways both good and bad. the determination that she carries is one of the best things that they share, though - that desire to take on that third path. even now, years later, xie lian does not regret it. ]
...I'm glad to hear that, my young friend. If there is anything I can do to support you along that path, then I am happy to do so. The way that you approach it - I have faith, that you will be able to see it to its end.
Though, I suppose I know there is one thing. [ xie lian tilts his head to look at her properly, and gives hikaru a small nudge with his shoulder. ] I promised that I would share something with you, do you remember?
My suspicions about you were correct. I am also on Brother Goat's team.
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She IMMEDIATELY scrambles up with her eyes wide and her arms crossed in an X across her chest as she rapidly shakes her head --- no no no you're not supposed to talk about that!!!!!]
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[ xie lian waves his hand as she does!! hikaru. you're so cute. he appreciates the concern, but... ] I checked with Brother Goat after you and I spoke - we are able to share our team with up to three people each week who are not on the same team as us, and we are able to speak to people on our team about our shared Leader without limit.
It is only that we cannot speak of others - for instance, were I to tell you San Lang's team - as that can destabilize the Realm immediately.
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ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE XIE LIAN.....
She is gonna just.... check her pot while she's up..... she totally didnt forget about it oops]
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xie lian's calm as he explains, staying settled on the floor where he was and watching her. if he goes up to the pot.... he will probably ruin it somehow, so. ]
Brother Goat has tasked me with gathering together the members of our team. It will be easier for us to generate nova if we are aware of each other, and if we're working together to do so - which will be easier on them in the long run, as this competition carries on.
I was the first to stop you last week, do you remember? I would not be sharing this information if I did not know it was completely safe.
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This sucks. :(
She is grabbing for a pair of chopsticks she had set aside, opening the pot and tasting whatever is inside... looks like rice? She'll let out a sigh of relief as she turns the oven off and moves the pot over, though, nodding for Xie Lian to take a look.
Would you like some??]
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he hops up, reaching above her head to grab a couple bowls.]
How about I serve it, and you write? You look like you have questions... and, I can't say that I'll eat much, because I can't really taste much right now. Go ahead.
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she hesitates for a second, but will concede with a quiet nod, picking her PHS back up and starting to type. She will leave it for him to read while she goes and looks for something in the fridge.]
have you had any luck finding them besides me
you dont need to tell me if you cant cause i dont want to make this situation worse but it would be really nice to know who we can talk to about goat san
did goat san tell you about what happened with the phs that one day and did you get one of your memories back too
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as he scoops out the rice, he sets out two bowls, and then leans over to read, eyebrows raising as he's packing it nicely into the bowl for them. ]
First - I have found four of us so far. I think there are seven, so I am moving at a decent pace, but I'd like to find them faster. Brother Goat can only share so much information at a time. I don't think I can tell you their names - at least, I am not entirely sure - but, I think it will be best if we can wait until all of us are gathered together, so we can meet as a group.
Secondly, as for the PHS, it flashes to indicate that Brother Goat has remembered something.
And finally -- yes, I did get a memory back. Was that the only thing you received?
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ill try to talk to them about it. i was really worried last week when the rules got broken because it harmed all of them a lot i think and i wanted to do everything by myself when i woke up after that. i still do cause it feels like its all i know but its hard to ignore.
if goat san remember then that means whoever killed cater chan or sharon san was from our team then right [wow! Hate that!
She'll shake her head to the last thing.]
its under my pillow. i wore it for a couple days but after the decision i made yesterday it felt like i need to keep it apart from me for right now
it doesnt really work here anyway
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[ xie lian warns when it comes to the bit about cater and sharon, shaking his head, though it's a gentle warning. he watches her get the eggs, moving to lean against the counter so he doesn't poison anything with his bad cooking hands. ]
Brother Goat can only give it one hint a week in total for us to all find each other, so, if you would like to be the one to get a hint from them, that is fine - just please tell me if you are planning to ask, alright? They have already given me one hint this week, so they will not be able to help again until Monday. I am worried that if the information changes hands, it may overlap, and since we have precious few of the hints, I want to make sure we use them well.
That being said, there is still a little bit of time yet, this week. If you have someone that you trust very much, and you would like to share your team with them, you have time to do so - but please guard the information very carefully. Just to be safe, it may be best to only share with one other person - besides myself, since I don't count.
[ nod nod. he's looking out for your safety, here, hikaru!! at the last part, xie lian makes a quiet noise. ] I also received an item from home. [ and, turning his hand, he shows her a little red string tied around his right ring finger. ]
That came from gathering nova. Since our team was in fourth place, it's safe to assume that everyone on a team ahead of us also received the same thing.
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i havent told anybody yet this week. i told only you last week and i told somebody else the week before but i dont think theyre on our team
i dont need the hints chijin i trust you and so does goat san or they wouldnt have asked you to do important things. ill just do what i can.
[she'll take a second to crack that raw egg fully into her little rice moat before taking her chopsticks and murdering the egg dead, stirring it all up, tossing a look at the red string while she does so. ???? What is it?]
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[ xie lian is watching her do her little egg moat thing, and curiously going to imitate it when he realizes something. ] ....We need to come up with a name to call you... how about for now, we can call you "meimei"? It's a bit like San Lang calling me "gege", but for young ladies, instead of old men.
[ because he's old. haha. ]
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But she'll nod. Putting the bowl down, time to type again.]
make sure to stir it all in while the rice is still real hot cause itll cook and get really good that way
what is the string chijin is it like a reminder or something
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[ and, as for her question, xie lian hums. ] Mm, kind of. San Lang gave it to me, not long before we arrived here. In our realm, it has some magical power imbued into it, but I think here, it is merely decoration; at home, it is tied directly to San Lang's life. That is to say, as long as this string is present on my finger, I know that his existence still remains in this world - so even if we are apart, I know he is safe, and vice versa, as he has the matching one.
[ xie lian laughs, a little fondly. ] Of all of the many, many, many things San Lang owns, I thought it was quite funny that we both received the same item.
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