[MMMMMMMFF she kicks at the ground, but her temper settles a bit]
...Chiron-sensei told me a while ago that there were people with special abilities trying to help. He was the one who told me he'd found a few of you, though he didn't tell us who you were until he knew you were all safe.
He told us you were the one that saved the people getting executed, but... he didn't say anything else, other than that.
Bucky-san got really mean about it because I think he thought it meant you wanted him and Shuuya to die. It was a dumb decision, but he's been angry for a long time.
[ his expression softens, a little, and xie lian glances down at the ground. hikaru will probably be able to see it - how easily he carries his sadness, how sometimes, it just seems to break through the careful wall he's put around it all this time. there's just a flicker in his expression. ]
...Of course not. The weeks that I didn't save them were the weeks that I failed at guessing - I had to pick the specific person who was going to be executed and killed the Monday evening prior. And it... no matter how much I asked around, I could not always find out fast enough what was going to happen. That early, it is hard to find potential innocents who may be scapegoated - compared to killers with the intent to attack others.
It is the two of them, along with Miss Dorothy, that I owed the largest apology to, and why I am not upset or even hurt that Bucky was angry enough to attack me.
Without a word at first, she is stomping right up into his space to take his hand in her own, to press the flower into his palm before gripping his hand in both of hers.]
Please don't ever say that again, Chijin.
You saved so many people. You tried to save Dorothy-chan. You could have never known about Shuuya-kun, or Bucky-san, and blaming yourself for not getting an impossible question right when you still got so many impossible questions right, and you still helped so many people come back so that we could all be together...
You didn't fail anyone, Chijin. You didn't. You got put into a horrible dark corner and you did things nobody else could do, and you saved someone.
The only person you are failing when you say things so horrible and untrue... the only one you are failing is yourself, Chijin. Aren't you?
[ hikaru is, as ever, a force of nature. he barely has a minute to look at the flower (and it makes his heart squeeze with warm fondness, for this young lady and for the kindnesses the people of the realm have shown him) before she's taking his hand.
xie lian lets her speak, processing every word. and... logically, hikaru is right, but old habits die hard. some of the regret of it faded when someone got to take it out on him, but he'll live with the burdens of his mistakes and his choices until the end.
hikaru's was especially painful. he and goat panicked over it, trying to figure out what was wrong, but ultimately, the influence of someone else's position similar to his own made it so he was left powerless. everyone matters to xie lian, but hikaru's life was inordinately special, and losing her (especially when she'd prayed to him like that) left its mark on him.
...still. he's not the type to live in the past, and hikaru stands in front of him, now. that is what matters - every sacrifice was worth it.
he lifts his hand and covers her small one with a squeeze. ] ...Thank you, Miss Hikaru.
[ ultimately, he did his best. his best hasn't been good enough in a while, but... he did the best he could do.
there's a pause, and xie lian's mouth twitches into a small, wistful smile, gaze flicking down. ] ....I would be ignoring your prayers were I to not try and think that way.
[ she'd prayed for someone to learn to forgive themselves, after all.
he doesn't think hikaru's killer feels any remorse, knowing who it is. but the person who needed to forgive themselves the most, even if hikaru didn't know it, was the one who was sitting with her all along. ]
[Her expression tightens, jaw quivering, before she lets go of his grip and throws her arms around him, burrowing her face against his chest. Reverence could wait.]
Every day.
Every day I prayed as hard as I could. I... I asked Goat to bring you my offerings, and I...
I prayed every day that you wouldn't blame yourself, and that you would keep trying, and that you wouldn't hold despair so hard in your heart that you'd fall to pieces, Chijin...
I prayed, and I... I couldn't stand it, Chijin, to have to see you force a smile like you did with Shiro-san... when everyone you loved so much was leaving you...
[ the flowers... that's right. the ones that are still alive are still in his room, in a glass jar in water. for the second time, he's affected by hikaru's kindness - and when she hugs him, he returns the favor, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing tight.
(he couldn't, the week she was dying. she was so scared, and xie lian couldn't answer her prayers, couldn't take her pain, couldn't even hug her and comfort her - he could do nothing.)
there's quiet before he responds, really, just taking that in. ]
...It takes much more than that to break me, Miss Hikaru. I have seen much worse. [ THE NORMAL AMOUNT OF (EMOTIONAL) PAIN IS ZERO, XIE LIAN,
anyway. it was a little funny - the realm took many of xie lian's memories, comparatively more when it comes to other participants - but the tragedies that he experienced never left him. only the little successes did. only the important information, that he now holds onto tightly, clinging to every shred of hope he has.
but what he says is true. the world has broken xie lian once, to the point of almost no repair, and here, he still stands. ]
....It is the kindnesses of others that I have always been able to remember. Even when the ones from my own world disappeared along with my memories -- [ a festival with three thousand lanterns shining. a ride on an ox cart. his mother's smile. ] -- I had many little kindnesses shown to me that lit the way along the path to where we have arrived.
Kindnesses like yours. [ xie lian pulls back a little to look at her properly. his expression is soft, a little far away, but it's genuine, too, and he squeezes her shoulders. ] Thank you.
[Her eyes cloud a little, with understanding and just a little bit of hurt as she lifts her hands to rest against the sides of his face very loosely, a gentle attempt to keep his attention off the ground.]
Pain is pain, Chijin. Even if it's pain you felt before... when you love someone dearly, it doesn't matter. Nobody in the entire world wants to see the people they love bearing so much, even if they now they can do it.
To want to spare someone from pain, to want to support them, to want to let them not be alone through what they have to do, even if it's impossible... that's not the same as calling them incapable. That's just love.
he lets hikaru take his face like that, though, and he smiles at her when she does, touched by her kindness and sweetness, even now. ]
...If that is the lesson that I've taught you, then I'm glad, Miss Hikaru. You are truly a one of a kind young lady - it has been an honor to get to know you the way that I have.
I don't mean to say that it was not painful. Rather, I am glad that the task I had fell to me - I am thankful for the people that I was able to save. It meant a lot to many people. And...it meant a lot to Lessa, too.
[Still, she lets her smile settle, looking over her beloved friend with fondness.]
Please don't forget about that feeling, Chijin. To be thankful, and to know how much people care about your triumphs, regardless of the mistakes. All of it is Chijin. All of it is worth remembering exactly how it should be - as a god, as a good man, who only wanted to help the people.
Even if those people don't always understand or agree with you... I don't think anyone here could truly feel regret, or feel unheard, or feel alone, for having someone as kind as you watching over us all this time. [She brings her hands to her chest.] Believe in us until the end.
[ and being able to be the one to help him, with the others - that meant the world to xie lian. to finally be able to pay back all of the kindnesses that lessa gave him, to finally be able to help him, too.
but! he listens to hikaru's little protagonist speech, small smile remaining on his face, and nods into her hands. xie lian takes the words to heart. ]
...I really don't have any believers of my own, besides San Lang. So... it is nice, to hear such things. It's been a long time.
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no subject
...Chiron-sensei told me a while ago that there were people with special abilities trying to help. He was the one who told me he'd found a few of you, though he didn't tell us who you were until he knew you were all safe.
He told us you were the one that saved the people getting executed, but... he didn't say anything else, other than that.
Bucky-san got really mean about it because I think he thought it meant you wanted him and Shuuya to die. It was a dumb decision, but he's been angry for a long time.
[Her frown deepens, glancing at the ground.]
He shouldn't have taken it out on you.
no subject
[ his expression softens, a little, and xie lian glances down at the ground. hikaru will probably be able to see it - how easily he carries his sadness, how sometimes, it just seems to break through the careful wall he's put around it all this time. there's just a flicker in his expression. ]
...Of course not. The weeks that I didn't save them were the weeks that I failed at guessing - I had to pick the specific person who was going to be executed and killed the Monday evening prior. And it... no matter how much I asked around, I could not always find out fast enough what was going to happen. That early, it is hard to find potential innocents who may be scapegoated - compared to killers with the intent to attack others.
It is the two of them, along with Miss Dorothy, that I owed the largest apology to, and why I am not upset or even hurt that Bucky was angry enough to attack me.
I failed him. I failed Kano.
[ .... ]
...And I failed you, too.
no subject
Without a word at first, she is stomping right up into his space to take his hand in her own, to press the flower into his palm before gripping his hand in both of hers.]
Please don't ever say that again, Chijin.
You saved so many people. You tried to save Dorothy-chan. You could have never known about Shuuya-kun, or Bucky-san, and blaming yourself for not getting an impossible question right when you still got so many impossible questions right, and you still helped so many people come back so that we could all be together...
You didn't fail anyone, Chijin. You didn't. You got put into a horrible dark corner and you did things nobody else could do, and you saved someone.
The only person you are failing when you say things so horrible and untrue... the only one you are failing is yourself, Chijin. Aren't you?
no subject
xie lian lets her speak, processing every word. and... logically, hikaru is right, but old habits die hard. some of the regret of it faded when someone got to take it out on him, but he'll live with the burdens of his mistakes and his choices until the end.
hikaru's was especially painful. he and goat panicked over it, trying to figure out what was wrong, but ultimately, the influence of someone else's position similar to his own made it so he was left powerless. everyone matters to xie lian, but hikaru's life was inordinately special, and losing her (especially when she'd prayed to him like that) left its mark on him.
...still. he's not the type to live in the past, and hikaru stands in front of him, now. that is what matters - every sacrifice was worth it.
he lifts his hand and covers her small one with a squeeze. ] ...Thank you, Miss Hikaru.
[ ultimately, he did his best. his best hasn't been good enough in a while, but... he did the best he could do.
there's a pause, and xie lian's mouth twitches into a small, wistful smile, gaze flicking down. ] ....I would be ignoring your prayers were I to not try and think that way.
[ she'd prayed for someone to learn to forgive themselves, after all.
he doesn't think hikaru's killer feels any remorse, knowing who it is. but the person who needed to forgive themselves the most, even if hikaru didn't know it, was the one who was sitting with her all along. ]
no subject
Every day.
Every day I prayed as hard as I could. I... I asked Goat to bring you my offerings, and I...
I prayed every day that you wouldn't blame yourself, and that you would keep trying, and that you wouldn't hold despair so hard in your heart that you'd fall to pieces, Chijin...
I prayed, and I... I couldn't stand it, Chijin, to have to see you force a smile like you did with Shiro-san... when everyone you loved so much was leaving you...
[Her grip tightens against his robes.]
It wasn't your fault. It wasn't. It wasn't.
no subject
(he couldn't, the week she was dying. she was so scared, and xie lian couldn't answer her prayers, couldn't take her pain, couldn't even hug her and comfort her - he could do nothing.)
there's quiet before he responds, really, just taking that in. ]
...It takes much more than that to break me, Miss Hikaru. I have seen much worse. [ THE NORMAL AMOUNT OF (EMOTIONAL) PAIN IS ZERO, XIE LIAN,
anyway. it was a little funny - the realm took many of xie lian's memories, comparatively more when it comes to other participants - but the tragedies that he experienced never left him. only the little successes did. only the important information, that he now holds onto tightly, clinging to every shred of hope he has.
but what he says is true. the world has broken xie lian once, to the point of almost no repair, and here, he still stands. ]
....It is the kindnesses of others that I have always been able to remember. Even when the ones from my own world disappeared along with my memories -- [ a festival with three thousand lanterns shining. a ride on an ox cart. his mother's smile. ] -- I had many little kindnesses shown to me that lit the way along the path to where we have arrived.
Kindnesses like yours. [ xie lian pulls back a little to look at her properly. his expression is soft, a little far away, but it's genuine, too, and he squeezes her shoulders. ] Thank you.
no subject
Pain is pain, Chijin. Even if it's pain you felt before... when you love someone dearly, it doesn't matter. Nobody in the entire world wants to see the people they love bearing so much, even if they now they can do it.
To want to spare someone from pain, to want to support them, to want to let them not be alone through what they have to do, even if it's impossible... that's not the same as calling them incapable. That's just love.
You taught me as much, didn't you?
no subject
he lets hikaru take his face like that, though, and he smiles at her when she does, touched by her kindness and sweetness, even now. ]
...If that is the lesson that I've taught you, then I'm glad, Miss Hikaru. You are truly a one of a kind young lady - it has been an honor to get to know you the way that I have.
I don't mean to say that it was not painful. Rather, I am glad that the task I had fell to me - I am thankful for the people that I was able to save. It meant a lot to many people. And...it meant a lot to Lessa, too.
no subject
"Lessa"?
[She just kind of blinks.
whomst]
no subject
he smiles, now, soft and happy. ]
That's Brother Goat's true name. I learned it this week.
1/2
/2
Please don't forget about that feeling, Chijin. To be thankful, and to know how much people care about your triumphs, regardless of the mistakes. All of it is Chijin. All of it is worth remembering exactly how it should be - as a god, as a good man, who only wanted to help the people.
Even if those people don't always understand or agree with you... I don't think anyone here could truly feel regret, or feel unheard, or feel alone, for having someone as kind as you watching over us all this time. [She brings her hands to her chest.] Believe in us until the end.
no subject
[ and being able to be the one to help him, with the others - that meant the world to xie lian. to finally be able to pay back all of the kindnesses that lessa gave him, to finally be able to help him, too.
but! he listens to hikaru's little protagonist speech, small smile remaining on his face, and nods into her hands. xie lian takes the words to heart. ]
...I really don't have any believers of my own, besides San Lang. So... it is nice, to hear such things. It's been a long time.