xie lian's eyes widen, as he listens, and...there are still so many things he doesn't understand, but the way hikaru talks makes that slight relief disappear. ]
...Is that... what your friend did, Hikaru? Or...
[ xie lian thinks... he thinks he may already know the answer to this question. ]
Eagle was my opponent in the Test for the Pillar, chosen by the Creator. He fought because he was dying. I fought because I wanted a better future.
And I won.
[Her smile is soft, sad, eyes that ache but do not regret - eyes of someone strongest in their world.]
Those who cannot conquer the Test are bound to vanish. But I couldn't leave him behind.
The last I remember, the Road we were travelling was ripping me apart, because I refused to let Eagle die, just because he wished to live the last of his life for himself and his convictions.
If I return, I don't intend to die. I'm going to get him back to the people who love him, for himself. And I'm going to survive.
But... I know I have to do it alone. And once that's over... I'll still be the Pillar. The Pillar must be alone, no matter how cruel. If the Pillar can't keep a strong heart, then...
[Well. Yknow.
...]
I don't want what happened to Emeraude to happen again. If I give in to despair, and forget the people I'm truly caring for...
[She nods, though it's weaker, measuring out another length of twine.]
I've always had to do it alone, Chijin.
I love the people of Cefiro. But they can't help the Pillar. If I could change that... If my prayers for that would not bring the world to ruin, then I think that the burden might be easier.
But the Pillar cannot care for anything but Cefiro. It's... why I had to kill Emeraude. Because she fell in love, and her heart strayed, enough that her people suffered.
I can't repeat that. I don't... I don't want to be alone, but... [That's just how it had to be, right? No matter how hard she focuses... that's just always how it had been. Just herself.
Right?]
I don't want to fall into sorrow, and doom the world I've come to love. So... I can't go back with a heart that only feels anger or loneliness or doubt.
[ the memories are fuzzy. but if xie lian focuses, really forces himself to..
Please.... please, please don't let me forget... I... I had to kill a princess, and the man she loved, with my own hands...
he's quiet, for a long moment, doing his best to recall the memories of what she told him. people, places...it's still so confusing, in a lot of ways, but as she finishes, xie lian looks at hikaru, and searches for the right words to say. ]
[She stops what she's doing, looking at him quizzically for a long moment.]
...I... don't know, Chijin. I don't know what you're asking, I guess. Being a hero is... it's complicated.
[Her eyes drift to the shrine, to a scroll of giftwrap that's been neatly rolled up nearby.]
...Someome told me a story once, about a prince. One that loved his people and tried to do everything he could for them. But... no matter what he tried, or how good his intentions... the world swallowed him up. His people grew afraid... and then, eventually, angry. Time took him away, and they almost all forgot about him.
It... reminded me a lot of Princess Emeraude, I think, even if their despair came from different sides. I... I don't know if either of them were heroes. I don't know if I've been one, or if I could ever be one, either.
We're just... people. And people can only do so much on their own, no matter what position they take.
xie lian's expression shifts, just for a moment. there's a brief widening of his eyes, a hint of vulnerable, silent surprise -
but other than that, any reaction comes off of his face. ]
...That prince... I don't think he was a hero. [ xie lian says, quietly, looking at the altar, now. ] I think he thought he could be, and... that perhaps he learned that definition is complicated, like you said. But I don't think that, necessarily, it was wrong, for your princess or the prince to follow their hearts, either. It is as we talked about the first time we spoke here - that good intentions sometimes have bad consequences.
And I think... that ultimately, you learn lessons about what you can, or can't support on your own. No matter who you are, whether that's a young lady who wants to help an entire country, or just a simple scrap collector - even if you briefly lose sight of yourself, and the things and people that are important to you, no matter how they are important to you... those things will not always be gone.
You are right, that people can only do so much on their own. And being alone can be miserable. [ finally, xie lian turns away from the shrine to look at her properly, his hands still gently together, as if in prayer. ] But the people and things that change you are carved into you, no matter what.
[ he doesn't know how to tell hikaru - but he thinks, that she forgot. that she must have forgotten something so, so important to her, and that she can't even tell. that is the worst part about the realm; that he cannot carry the weight of loss to help these young people, that he cannot fix the realm fast enough.
...but he's not fixing it, alone.
xie lian has learned how heavy the world is, when you carry it on your shoulders by yourself. ] Someone once told me, that heroes were complicated. That sometimes, they have good intentions, and sometimes, those good intentions go wrong. But to be a hero does not mean to carry the burden of the world on your shoulders by yourself. It doesn't always mean to accept things as they are.
Sometimes, it means to take a path of your own, when you stand at a crossroads. Sometimes, you must cut your way through the dark and make a third path. And traversing that third path sometimes means that you will be alone - but it does not mean that you will set aside the lessons that you have had carved into your heart, even...even if it takes you some time to remember all the pieces of them.
[She listens quietly, with just a tinge of muddled confusion at certain parts. But otherwise, his words settle on her, keeping her silence heavy.]
Mm. I know that... if I were to go home, the chance that I would just follow the same path as Emeraude would be high. I... I don't want that. And I can't give up the world without a Pillar, or give it to someone who only wishes to have the world die a slow, sleeplike death with him forever.
I want a third way. It's... why I know I might die. But... I have to try.
...
Chijin... Hua-chan was the one who told me that story. Taizi Dianxia. The prince who pleased the gods. He said something about his god not liking people to be prostrate when they were at prayer.
You said something like that too today, out at the fire. Is... that the same god you worship, at Puji Shrine?
[ instantly, xie lian feels a quiet pull of fondness at his heart. ]
A third path is a dangerous path; but with an attitude like that, it is not one that is impossible to traverse. At least... I have never felt that way.
[ as hikaru falls silent, xie lian does too. his attention shifts back to the altar, again, and he seems to be considering saying a prayer, when hikaru says something that surprises him.
there's a beat. his mouth curls a little, at the corner. san lang... he really does know everything. it's too impressive. sometimes, xie lian wonders...
but that would be impossible.
he nods, instead, closing his eyes. ] It is. You are correct.
[She simply nods her head, keeping her gaze settled.]
...Could... I pray to him, Chijin? Even if I don't know the way to reach him, or the name of the Meishi... do you think he would still hear me from a place like this?
[It will take her a few minutes, as she has to run all the way out to the fucking woods and back. But she will return, nodding her head apologetically with something in her hands.]
Thanks, Chijin.
[She walks to the altar, and quietly places three white flowers at its base, before taking a quiet step back. She nearly kneels - it feels right - but Hua Cheng's words float into her mind, and she straightens herself up, folding her hands below her chin, closing her eyes and falling very silent, just as reverent as any other prayer she's made.]
he doesn't know what hikaru is asking for. he doesn't know what she wants to protect, or what she wants to keep safe. but he stares, at that little white flower, that he feels like he's seen a hundred times, before.
...it isn't unlike san lang, to do things that affect xie lian. he knows, that he must have told her the story - the flower crowned martial god; flower in one hand, sword in the other. but when was the last time he ever saw someone pray at his altar?
the majority of artwork that depicts the crown prince of xian le now is of him in misery and agony. you step on his back, bowed over, and hope that he will absorb your bad luck. you kick him when he is down. or, you leave scraps, for the trash god, for the heavenly laughingstock. the "flower crowned martial god" has been gone for centuries.
but watching hikaru set down her offering gives him a flashback, to the tiny, dirty hands of a child, pressing a perfect, snow white flower into the left hands of a statue. the memory is so vivid and bright that he almost doesn't know what to do with it, and he finds himself blinking back tears.
he doesn't pray. it would be silly.
but, instead, xie lian quietly presses his hands together, and bows his head.
thank you. he thinks, fervently. i'll do my best to grant your prayers. ]
[She stays like that for a good couple minutes, before lowering her hands and opening her eyes. For a moment, she just stays silent... but she inclines her head - not the formal bow to a god, but the polite one from person to person.]
Watch over us, and teach us to learn from our mistakes... Dianxia-sama.
[ xie lian says, quietly, as she finishes. that's the only way he really acknowledges it, first, and there's a soft, almost faraway tone to his voice. nostalgic, maybe. sad. touched. somewhere in between. his heart aches with it, as compassionate as he has always been. ]
...In other languages, I believe it simply translates as "your highness"; "His Highness, the Crown Prince of Xian Le."
[ to talk about himself as a stranger doesn't feel all that wrong. he isn't even sure who "his highness the crown prince of xian le" is anymore, either. ] His tale is very... [ a pause, as he tries to word it. ] ...it is infamous, in many ways, in our land. Cautionary. Sometimes a comedy, but most often a tragedy. He made many, many mistakes in his life - more than any tale could really encapsulate.
So to ask him to teach you to learn... I think that is a very good prayer to make.
[ i'm trying, he thinks, of hikaru and her actions and her huge, bright heart. of what we can learn. of waves, of ripples, of riptides.
Mmn. Hua-chan told me a little about it... "Sama" is what you use to address someone of higher status. Like Elsa-sama, or Ojii-sama. To address a god... to speak to Kami-sama... deserves at least a little reverence, to show their hard work and power. I don't think Dianxia-sama is any different.
For the world to judge someone for doing whatever they could... for taking paths they chose were right, no matter what, and trying to do what was best for their people, even against things that should have been impossible... to have everyone think that Dianxia-sama should be perfect, and be miraculous, and not remember that he too was a person, and that people make mistakes...
[She lifts her hands to her chest, letting her eyes drift shut.]
I hope... he can teach. And I hope he can watch, and know that... people don't want to see his story as something foolish. I think, in the end, he is like Princess Emeraude. Even if his mistakes turned a way he did not want, and he thought he failed, and his people suffered... he still deserves to be remembered for his joys and praises, and for his kindness, and for the wisdom that he might hold. I... just hope that his heart, even as a god, hasn't been suffocated by despair.
I hope he can see us, that pray to him, and for him, and see a little light for himself to follow.
a long moment passes. it might seem that he's simply reflective, or that he's perhaps repeating her prayer, but in honesty: xie lian doesn't know what to say.
reverence? devotion? all of these concepts are things lost to the crown prince of xian le. he's broken statues and broken kingdoms, the collapse of an entire world, physically and metaphorically, on his very shoulders. he is the plague, he is bad luck incarnate, the laughingstock of the three realms. a man made of his mistakes and every costly piece of suffering that came with them. once a god, then an immortal, doomed to walk the earth in suffering.
he's reminded, not for the first time since coming to the realm, of an event a long, long time ago. a village, the sky black with the agonized, screaming souls of the dead, desperate for a target for their rage.
the pouring rain, laying there with a sword stabbed into his stomach. and a single figure all in white, standing before him. the mask, that haunted his dreams, staring him down from across the clearing.
and the way the rain had suddenly stopped, because someone pressed a hat onto his head.
stand up! go home now. ]
...It hasn't. [ xie lian says, softly. he mirrors hikaru, for a moment, reaching up to touch his own heart, letting his eyes close. ] I know many things about The Crown Prince Who Pleased the Gods. The world has tried to suffocate him, many times, Miss Hikaru. Do you know what he learned, over all those years of mistakes?
[ and xie lian. screaming, at the top of his lungs, as all of his vigor came back to him in one gasp.
fuck you! who do you think you are to talk to me like that?! i am the crown prince!
one person had been enough. ]
He learned that a simple act of kindness can change anyone's life. That is the little light that that foolish prince has always learned to follow.
I hope, then, that he can see the kindness that someone wants to show him, even from worlds away. I don't think someone who has so much to share, no matter where it came from, should have to disappear. I... know that it's hard to be alone with no one, and nothing but your mistakes.
[She'll take her step away, finally returning to her seat on the floor, if only to give a shallow bow to Xie Lian.]
If it isn't a disrespect, Chijin... I'd like to remember him. Even if the people here who have taught me about him can't speak his name anymore, or tell his story.
I don't want Taizi Dianxia to have no one at all to pray for him.
[ xie lian smiles, then. it's softer, and warmer than before, genuine, as he steps back from the altar, too. ]
It is no disrespect. The Crown Prince of Xian Le is a god who looks after blessings of peace and protection, and... I've heard that once, he was quite meddlesome in the affairs of mortals, when they were in danger.
[ "once". ] He does not like to let people suffer as he has. I think he will be happy, to know that you feel the same way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xie lian's eyes widen, as he listens, and...there are still so many things he doesn't understand, but the way hikaru talks makes that slight relief disappear. ]
...Is that... what your friend did, Hikaru? Or...
[ xie lian thinks... he thinks he may already know the answer to this question. ]
no subject
Eagle was my opponent in the Test for the Pillar, chosen by the Creator. He fought because he was dying. I fought because I wanted a better future.
And I won.
[Her smile is soft, sad, eyes that ache but do not regret - eyes of someone strongest in their world.]
Those who cannot conquer the Test are bound to vanish. But I couldn't leave him behind.
The last I remember, the Road we were travelling was ripping me apart, because I refused to let Eagle die, just because he wished to live the last of his life for himself and his convictions.
no subject
xie lian does not feel particularly relieved, but... there's a part of him that radiates with a quiet, familiar pride.
that's what he would have done, too. ] ...Such an act of selfless care and strength of heart could cause one to ascend to godhood, in my realm.
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If I return, I don't intend to die. I'm going to get him back to the people who love him, for himself. And I'm going to survive.
But... I know I have to do it alone. And once that's over... I'll still be the Pillar. The Pillar must be alone, no matter how cruel. If the Pillar can't keep a strong heart, then...
[Well. Yknow.
...]
I don't want what happened to Emeraude to happen again. If I give in to despair, and forget the people I'm truly caring for...
...
...I'll just need to be careful.
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...something's wrong. ]
...Miss Hikaru. [ xie lian says, gently, quietly. ] ...You have to do it alone?
[ with all of her protagonist speeches, that doesn't - that doesn't sound quite right. ]
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I've always had to do it alone, Chijin.
I love the people of Cefiro. But they can't help the Pillar. If I could change that... If my prayers for that would not bring the world to ruin, then I think that the burden might be easier.
But the Pillar cannot care for anything but Cefiro. It's... why I had to kill Emeraude. Because she fell in love, and her heart strayed, enough that her people suffered.
I can't repeat that. I don't... I don't want to be alone, but... [That's just how it had to be, right? No matter how hard she focuses... that's just always how it had been. Just herself.
Right?]
I don't want to fall into sorrow, and doom the world I've come to love. So... I can't go back with a heart that only feels anger or loneliness or doubt.
no subject
Please.... please, please don't let me forget... I... I had to kill a princess, and the man she loved, with my own hands...
he's quiet, for a long moment, doing his best to recall the memories of what she told him. people, places...it's still so confusing, in a lot of ways, but as she finishes, xie lian looks at hikaru, and searches for the right words to say. ]
Hikaru...Is that what it means, to be a hero?
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[She stops what she's doing, looking at him quizzically for a long moment.]
...I... don't know, Chijin. I don't know what you're asking, I guess. Being a hero is... it's complicated.
[Her eyes drift to the shrine, to a scroll of giftwrap that's been neatly rolled up nearby.]
...Someome told me a story once, about a prince. One that loved his people and tried to do everything he could for them. But... no matter what he tried, or how good his intentions... the world swallowed him up. His people grew afraid... and then, eventually, angry. Time took him away, and they almost all forgot about him.
It... reminded me a lot of Princess Emeraude, I think, even if their despair came from different sides. I... I don't know if either of them were heroes. I don't know if I've been one, or if I could ever be one, either.
We're just... people. And people can only do so much on their own, no matter what position they take.
no subject
xie lian's expression shifts, just for a moment. there's a brief widening of his eyes, a hint of vulnerable, silent surprise -
but other than that, any reaction comes off of his face. ]
...That prince... I don't think he was a hero. [ xie lian says, quietly, looking at the altar, now. ] I think he thought he could be, and... that perhaps he learned that definition is complicated, like you said. But I don't think that, necessarily, it was wrong, for your princess or the prince to follow their hearts, either. It is as we talked about the first time we spoke here - that good intentions sometimes have bad consequences.
And I think... that ultimately, you learn lessons about what you can, or can't support on your own. No matter who you are, whether that's a young lady who wants to help an entire country, or just a simple scrap collector - even if you briefly lose sight of yourself, and the things and people that are important to you, no matter how they are important to you... those things will not always be gone.
You are right, that people can only do so much on their own. And being alone can be miserable. [ finally, xie lian turns away from the shrine to look at her properly, his hands still gently together, as if in prayer. ] But the people and things that change you are carved into you, no matter what.
[ he doesn't know how to tell hikaru - but he thinks, that she forgot. that she must have forgotten something so, so important to her, and that she can't even tell. that is the worst part about the realm; that he cannot carry the weight of loss to help these young people, that he cannot fix the realm fast enough.
...but he's not fixing it, alone.
xie lian has learned how heavy the world is, when you carry it on your shoulders by yourself. ] Someone once told me, that heroes were complicated. That sometimes, they have good intentions, and sometimes, those good intentions go wrong. But to be a hero does not mean to carry the burden of the world on your shoulders by yourself. It doesn't always mean to accept things as they are.
Sometimes, it means to take a path of your own, when you stand at a crossroads. Sometimes, you must cut your way through the dark and make a third path. And traversing that third path sometimes means that you will be alone - but it does not mean that you will set aside the lessons that you have had carved into your heart, even...even if it takes you some time to remember all the pieces of them.
no subject
Mm. I know that... if I were to go home, the chance that I would just follow the same path as Emeraude would be high. I... I don't want that. And I can't give up the world without a Pillar, or give it to someone who only wishes to have the world die a slow, sleeplike death with him forever.
I want a third way. It's... why I know I might die. But... I have to try.
...
Chijin... Hua-chan was the one who told me that story. Taizi Dianxia. The prince who pleased the gods. He said something about his god not liking people to be prostrate when they were at prayer.
You said something like that too today, out at the fire. Is... that the same god you worship, at Puji Shrine?
no subject
A third path is a dangerous path; but with an attitude like that, it is not one that is impossible to traverse. At least... I have never felt that way.
[ as hikaru falls silent, xie lian does too. his attention shifts back to the altar, again, and he seems to be considering saying a prayer, when hikaru says something that surprises him.
there's a beat. his mouth curls a little, at the corner. san lang... he really does know everything. it's too impressive. sometimes, xie lian wonders...
but that would be impossible.
he nods, instead, closing his eyes. ] It is. You are correct.
no subject
...Could... I pray to him, Chijin? Even if I don't know the way to reach him, or the name of the Meishi... do you think he would still hear me from a place like this?
no subject
("the one i'm worshipping is the -- his highness of xian le."
"who's that?"
"never heard of him.")
he pushes it back as if he hadn't, though, and exhales on a soft huff, almost a laugh. ]
...I think he will hear you, if that is your intention.
Would you like me to leave? I can give you some privacy.
no subject
[A soft smile, sad, but genuine enough that her face dimples to the sides.
Quietly, she starts to rise.]
Could you watch my things for a second, though? I need to go get something.
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[ he would, even without the request thing in place!
onward, hikaru. xie lian will quietly tend to the altar, while she's gone, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. ]
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Thanks, Chijin.
[She walks to the altar, and quietly places three white flowers at its base, before taking a quiet step back. She nearly kneels - it feels right - but Hua Cheng's words float into her mind, and she straightens herself up, folding her hands below her chin, closing her eyes and falling very silent, just as reverent as any other prayer she's made.]
no subject
he doesn't know what hikaru is asking for. he doesn't know what she wants to protect, or what she wants to keep safe. but he stares, at that little white flower, that he feels like he's seen a hundred times, before.
...it isn't unlike san lang, to do things that affect xie lian. he knows, that he must have told her the story - the flower crowned martial god; flower in one hand, sword in the other. but when was the last time he ever saw someone pray at his altar?
the majority of artwork that depicts the crown prince of xian le now is of him in misery and agony. you step on his back, bowed over, and hope that he will absorb your bad luck. you kick him when he is down. or, you leave scraps, for the trash god, for the heavenly laughingstock. the "flower crowned martial god" has been gone for centuries.
but watching hikaru set down her offering gives him a flashback, to the tiny, dirty hands of a child, pressing a perfect, snow white flower into the left hands of a statue. the memory is so vivid and bright that he almost doesn't know what to do with it, and he finds himself blinking back tears.
he doesn't pray. it would be silly.
but, instead, xie lian quietly presses his hands together, and bows his head.
thank you. he thinks, fervently. i'll do my best to grant your prayers. ]
no subject
Watch over us, and teach us to learn from our mistakes... Dianxia-sama.
no subject
[ xie lian says, quietly, as she finishes. that's the only way he really acknowledges it, first, and there's a soft, almost faraway tone to his voice. nostalgic, maybe. sad. touched. somewhere in between. his heart aches with it, as compassionate as he has always been. ]
...In other languages, I believe it simply translates as "your highness"; "His Highness, the Crown Prince of Xian Le."
[ to talk about himself as a stranger doesn't feel all that wrong. he isn't even sure who "his highness the crown prince of xian le" is anymore, either. ] His tale is very... [ a pause, as he tries to word it. ] ...it is infamous, in many ways, in our land. Cautionary. Sometimes a comedy, but most often a tragedy. He made many, many mistakes in his life - more than any tale could really encapsulate.
So to ask him to teach you to learn... I think that is a very good prayer to make.
[ i'm trying, he thinks, of hikaru and her actions and her huge, bright heart. of what we can learn. of waves, of ripples, of riptides.
i am trying. ]
no subject
For the world to judge someone for doing whatever they could... for taking paths they chose were right, no matter what, and trying to do what was best for their people, even against things that should have been impossible... to have everyone think that Dianxia-sama should be perfect, and be miraculous, and not remember that he too was a person, and that people make mistakes...
[She lifts her hands to her chest, letting her eyes drift shut.]
I hope... he can teach. And I hope he can watch, and know that... people don't want to see his story as something foolish. I think, in the end, he is like Princess Emeraude. Even if his mistakes turned a way he did not want, and he thought he failed, and his people suffered... he still deserves to be remembered for his joys and praises, and for his kindness, and for the wisdom that he might hold. I... just hope that his heart, even as a god, hasn't been suffocated by despair.
I hope he can see us, that pray to him, and for him, and see a little light for himself to follow.
no subject
a long moment passes. it might seem that he's simply reflective, or that he's perhaps repeating her prayer, but in honesty: xie lian doesn't know what to say.
reverence? devotion? all of these concepts are things lost to the crown prince of xian le. he's broken statues and broken kingdoms, the collapse of an entire world, physically and metaphorically, on his very shoulders. he is the plague, he is bad luck incarnate, the laughingstock of the three realms. a man made of his mistakes and every costly piece of suffering that came with them. once a god, then an immortal, doomed to walk the earth in suffering.
he's reminded, not for the first time since coming to the realm, of an event a long, long time ago. a village, the sky black with the agonized, screaming souls of the dead, desperate for a target for their rage.
the pouring rain, laying there with a sword stabbed into his stomach. and a single figure all in white, standing before him. the mask, that haunted his dreams, staring him down from across the clearing.
and the way the rain had suddenly stopped, because someone pressed a hat onto his head.
stand up! go home now. ]
...It hasn't. [ xie lian says, softly. he mirrors hikaru, for a moment, reaching up to touch his own heart, letting his eyes close. ] I know many things about The Crown Prince Who Pleased the Gods. The world has tried to suffocate him, many times, Miss Hikaru. Do you know what he learned, over all those years of mistakes?
[ and xie lian. screaming, at the top of his lungs, as all of his vigor came back to him in one gasp.
fuck you! who do you think you are to talk to me like that?! i am the crown prince!
one person had been enough. ]
He learned that a simple act of kindness can change anyone's life. That is the little light that that foolish prince has always learned to follow.
no subject
I hope, then, that he can see the kindness that someone wants to show him, even from worlds away. I don't think someone who has so much to share, no matter where it came from, should have to disappear. I... know that it's hard to be alone with no one, and nothing but your mistakes.
[She'll take her step away, finally returning to her seat on the floor, if only to give a shallow bow to Xie Lian.]
If it isn't a disrespect, Chijin... I'd like to remember him. Even if the people here who have taught me about him can't speak his name anymore, or tell his story.
I don't want Taizi Dianxia to have no one at all to pray for him.
no subject
It is no disrespect. The Crown Prince of Xian Le is a god who looks after blessings of peace and protection, and... I've heard that once, he was quite meddlesome in the affairs of mortals, when they were in danger.
[ "once". ] He does not like to let people suffer as he has. I think he will be happy, to know that you feel the same way.
no subject
[she quietly returns to her twine.]
Don't let me keep you up or anything, okay? I'm just gonna finish this before I go to bed.