[ xie lian's heading up to his leaf bed for the night when he spots hikaru at the kamidana. this is only really his second interaction with the thing, and he hesitates to interrupt anyone in prayer, but the snapping noise reveals something else entirely.
he pauses on his mission back up the stairs, and backtracks. ]
You remember what I was working on last week, right? [Her smile is warm and careful.] I really appreciated the work you did - you and Yoshizawa-chan both.
[As she talks, she carefully starts to double over the twine, then double over again, before carefully threading it through the pages.]
I haven't been able to find everyone, and a lot of people haven't wanted to talk. So I'm putting what I have somewhere for people to look at in their own time.
I've had a lot to think about, so... I felt I should do it now, before we lose anyone else. As much as I might want to, holding all of this to myself... I think, in a way, might be too big of a mistake.
that, in a way, is intensely comforting to hear. xie lian has been so worried (and, even with this, he still will be), but some of that deep concern fades a little as she speaks. this is what he was talking about, last time they spoke - and what he was talking about with someone else in relation to miss hikaru earlier today.
it's not emotion share anymore, thankfully, so she won't feel the way something small in him relaxes, to hear so, a quiet sense of relief. ]
When Cefiro doesn't have a Pillar, a new one must be born, or the world will vanish into nothing. But no one but the Pillar who died knew how to make that happen. When other countries heard that Cefiro's Pillar had vanished, they invaded. All wanted to be the Pillar, and to take Cefiro, for different reasons. They wanted Cefiro to see their strong heart, and to choose them as worthy.
All I wanted was to protect what was left, and... and to not see something so sad ever happen again under then hand of another person. And the man I was with, Eagle... he was one of those people. His heart...
[She lets out a slow breath.]
Those who would give their life, however much they have left, for everything they know and care about... they have a strength of heart that's hard to match, I think. Even if thinking like that is cruel.
xie lian's eyes widen, as he listens, and...there are still so many things he doesn't understand, but the way hikaru talks makes that slight relief disappear. ]
...Is that... what your friend did, Hikaru? Or...
[ xie lian thinks... he thinks he may already know the answer to this question. ]
Eagle was my opponent in the Test for the Pillar, chosen by the Creator. He fought because he was dying. I fought because I wanted a better future.
And I won.
[Her smile is soft, sad, eyes that ache but do not regret - eyes of someone strongest in their world.]
Those who cannot conquer the Test are bound to vanish. But I couldn't leave him behind.
The last I remember, the Road we were travelling was ripping me apart, because I refused to let Eagle die, just because he wished to live the last of his life for himself and his convictions.
If I return, I don't intend to die. I'm going to get him back to the people who love him, for himself. And I'm going to survive.
But... I know I have to do it alone. And once that's over... I'll still be the Pillar. The Pillar must be alone, no matter how cruel. If the Pillar can't keep a strong heart, then...
[Well. Yknow.
...]
I don't want what happened to Emeraude to happen again. If I give in to despair, and forget the people I'm truly caring for...
[She nods, though it's weaker, measuring out another length of twine.]
I've always had to do it alone, Chijin.
I love the people of Cefiro. But they can't help the Pillar. If I could change that... If my prayers for that would not bring the world to ruin, then I think that the burden might be easier.
But the Pillar cannot care for anything but Cefiro. It's... why I had to kill Emeraude. Because she fell in love, and her heart strayed, enough that her people suffered.
I can't repeat that. I don't... I don't want to be alone, but... [That's just how it had to be, right? No matter how hard she focuses... that's just always how it had been. Just herself.
Right?]
I don't want to fall into sorrow, and doom the world I've come to love. So... I can't go back with a heart that only feels anger or loneliness or doubt.
[ the memories are fuzzy. but if xie lian focuses, really forces himself to..
Please.... please, please don't let me forget... I... I had to kill a princess, and the man she loved, with my own hands...
he's quiet, for a long moment, doing his best to recall the memories of what she told him. people, places...it's still so confusing, in a lot of ways, but as she finishes, xie lian looks at hikaru, and searches for the right words to say. ]
[She stops what she's doing, looking at him quizzically for a long moment.]
...I... don't know, Chijin. I don't know what you're asking, I guess. Being a hero is... it's complicated.
[Her eyes drift to the shrine, to a scroll of giftwrap that's been neatly rolled up nearby.]
...Someome told me a story once, about a prince. One that loved his people and tried to do everything he could for them. But... no matter what he tried, or how good his intentions... the world swallowed him up. His people grew afraid... and then, eventually, angry. Time took him away, and they almost all forgot about him.
It... reminded me a lot of Princess Emeraude, I think, even if their despair came from different sides. I... I don't know if either of them were heroes. I don't know if I've been one, or if I could ever be one, either.
We're just... people. And people can only do so much on their own, no matter what position they take.
xie lian's expression shifts, just for a moment. there's a brief widening of his eyes, a hint of vulnerable, silent surprise -
but other than that, any reaction comes off of his face. ]
...That prince... I don't think he was a hero. [ xie lian says, quietly, looking at the altar, now. ] I think he thought he could be, and... that perhaps he learned that definition is complicated, like you said. But I don't think that, necessarily, it was wrong, for your princess or the prince to follow their hearts, either. It is as we talked about the first time we spoke here - that good intentions sometimes have bad consequences.
And I think... that ultimately, you learn lessons about what you can, or can't support on your own. No matter who you are, whether that's a young lady who wants to help an entire country, or just a simple scrap collector - even if you briefly lose sight of yourself, and the things and people that are important to you, no matter how they are important to you... those things will not always be gone.
You are right, that people can only do so much on their own. And being alone can be miserable. [ finally, xie lian turns away from the shrine to look at her properly, his hands still gently together, as if in prayer. ] But the people and things that change you are carved into you, no matter what.
[ he doesn't know how to tell hikaru - but he thinks, that she forgot. that she must have forgotten something so, so important to her, and that she can't even tell. that is the worst part about the realm; that he cannot carry the weight of loss to help these young people, that he cannot fix the realm fast enough.
...but he's not fixing it, alone.
xie lian has learned how heavy the world is, when you carry it on your shoulders by yourself. ] Someone once told me, that heroes were complicated. That sometimes, they have good intentions, and sometimes, those good intentions go wrong. But to be a hero does not mean to carry the burden of the world on your shoulders by yourself. It doesn't always mean to accept things as they are.
Sometimes, it means to take a path of your own, when you stand at a crossroads. Sometimes, you must cut your way through the dark and make a third path. And traversing that third path sometimes means that you will be alone - but it does not mean that you will set aside the lessons that you have had carved into your heart, even...even if it takes you some time to remember all the pieces of them.
[She listens quietly, with just a tinge of muddled confusion at certain parts. But otherwise, his words settle on her, keeping her silence heavy.]
Mm. I know that... if I were to go home, the chance that I would just follow the same path as Emeraude would be high. I... I don't want that. And I can't give up the world without a Pillar, or give it to someone who only wishes to have the world die a slow, sleeplike death with him forever.
I want a third way. It's... why I know I might die. But... I have to try.
...
Chijin... Hua-chan was the one who told me that story. Taizi Dianxia. The prince who pleased the gods. He said something about his god not liking people to be prostrate when they were at prayer.
You said something like that too today, out at the fire. Is... that the same god you worship, at Puji Shrine?
[ instantly, xie lian feels a quiet pull of fondness at his heart. ]
A third path is a dangerous path; but with an attitude like that, it is not one that is impossible to traverse. At least... I have never felt that way.
[ as hikaru falls silent, xie lian does too. his attention shifts back to the altar, again, and he seems to be considering saying a prayer, when hikaru says something that surprises him.
there's a beat. his mouth curls a little, at the corner. san lang... he really does know everything. it's too impressive. sometimes, xie lian wonders...
but that would be impossible.
he nods, instead, closing his eyes. ] It is. You are correct.
[She simply nods her head, keeping her gaze settled.]
...Could... I pray to him, Chijin? Even if I don't know the way to reach him, or the name of the Meishi... do you think he would still hear me from a place like this?
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he pauses on his mission back up the stairs, and backtracks. ]
...Miss Hikaru? [ what are you doing... ]
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Hi, Chijin.
[She'll carefully move her stack of papers a bit. There's been holes painstakingly stabbed into two corners of every page.]
Did you need to pray? I can move somewhere else.
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[ he's already done his wishes and rites for the dead, anyway... and there's still that whole odd memory loss that's left him feeling weird, so.
let's focus on hikaru. ] What are you doing, if you don't mind my asking?
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[As she talks, she carefully starts to double over the twine, then double over again, before carefully threading it through the pages.]
I haven't been able to find everyone, and a lot of people haven't wanted to talk. So I'm putting what I have somewhere for people to look at in their own time.
I've had a lot to think about, so... I felt I should do it now, before we lose anyone else. As much as I might want to, holding all of this to myself... I think, in a way, might be too big of a mistake.
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that, in a way, is intensely comforting to hear. xie lian has been so worried (and, even with this, he still will be), but some of that deep concern fades a little as she speaks. this is what he was talking about, last time they spoke - and what he was talking about with someone else in relation to miss hikaru earlier today.
it's not emotion share anymore, thankfully, so she won't feel the way something small in him relaxes, to hear so, a quiet sense of relief. ]
...That is a great burden to bear, indeed.
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But...
[A careful pause, testing the strength of the string.]
I don't know what will happen, if I leave this place with this much on my heart.
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Is that so...? [ he asks, gently coaxing her to continue and explain. what does that mean, hikaru. ]
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[The twine starts to tie.]
If I go home with a heart that wavers, then Cefiro will die. And so will I.
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....Miss Hikaru. You told me, once before, that Cefiro was falling apart, did you not...?
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[It's spoken calmly.]
Do you remember the first day we met, Chijin? It's a little fuzzy to me now, but... you cleaned my wounds for me.
I told you then that I got those while trying to save someone, right?
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[ those terrible gashes. he squints, for a moment, trying to recall the details. ] You said... it was some sort of test, right?
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When Cefiro doesn't have a Pillar, a new one must be born, or the world will vanish into nothing. But no one but the Pillar who died knew how to make that happen. When other countries heard that Cefiro's Pillar had vanished, they invaded. All wanted to be the Pillar, and to take Cefiro, for different reasons. They wanted Cefiro to see their strong heart, and to choose them as worthy.
All I wanted was to protect what was left, and... and to not see something so sad ever happen again under then hand of another person. And the man I was with, Eagle... he was one of those people. His heart...
[She lets out a slow breath.]
Those who would give their life, however much they have left, for everything they know and care about... they have a strength of heart that's hard to match, I think. Even if thinking like that is cruel.
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xie lian's eyes widen, as he listens, and...there are still so many things he doesn't understand, but the way hikaru talks makes that slight relief disappear. ]
...Is that... what your friend did, Hikaru? Or...
[ xie lian thinks... he thinks he may already know the answer to this question. ]
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Eagle was my opponent in the Test for the Pillar, chosen by the Creator. He fought because he was dying. I fought because I wanted a better future.
And I won.
[Her smile is soft, sad, eyes that ache but do not regret - eyes of someone strongest in their world.]
Those who cannot conquer the Test are bound to vanish. But I couldn't leave him behind.
The last I remember, the Road we were travelling was ripping me apart, because I refused to let Eagle die, just because he wished to live the last of his life for himself and his convictions.
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xie lian does not feel particularly relieved, but... there's a part of him that radiates with a quiet, familiar pride.
that's what he would have done, too. ] ...Such an act of selfless care and strength of heart could cause one to ascend to godhood, in my realm.
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If I return, I don't intend to die. I'm going to get him back to the people who love him, for himself. And I'm going to survive.
But... I know I have to do it alone. And once that's over... I'll still be the Pillar. The Pillar must be alone, no matter how cruel. If the Pillar can't keep a strong heart, then...
[Well. Yknow.
...]
I don't want what happened to Emeraude to happen again. If I give in to despair, and forget the people I'm truly caring for...
...
...I'll just need to be careful.
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...something's wrong. ]
...Miss Hikaru. [ xie lian says, gently, quietly. ] ...You have to do it alone?
[ with all of her protagonist speeches, that doesn't - that doesn't sound quite right. ]
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I've always had to do it alone, Chijin.
I love the people of Cefiro. But they can't help the Pillar. If I could change that... If my prayers for that would not bring the world to ruin, then I think that the burden might be easier.
But the Pillar cannot care for anything but Cefiro. It's... why I had to kill Emeraude. Because she fell in love, and her heart strayed, enough that her people suffered.
I can't repeat that. I don't... I don't want to be alone, but... [That's just how it had to be, right? No matter how hard she focuses... that's just always how it had been. Just herself.
Right?]
I don't want to fall into sorrow, and doom the world I've come to love. So... I can't go back with a heart that only feels anger or loneliness or doubt.
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Please.... please, please don't let me forget... I... I had to kill a princess, and the man she loved, with my own hands...
he's quiet, for a long moment, doing his best to recall the memories of what she told him. people, places...it's still so confusing, in a lot of ways, but as she finishes, xie lian looks at hikaru, and searches for the right words to say. ]
Hikaru...Is that what it means, to be a hero?
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[She stops what she's doing, looking at him quizzically for a long moment.]
...I... don't know, Chijin. I don't know what you're asking, I guess. Being a hero is... it's complicated.
[Her eyes drift to the shrine, to a scroll of giftwrap that's been neatly rolled up nearby.]
...Someome told me a story once, about a prince. One that loved his people and tried to do everything he could for them. But... no matter what he tried, or how good his intentions... the world swallowed him up. His people grew afraid... and then, eventually, angry. Time took him away, and they almost all forgot about him.
It... reminded me a lot of Princess Emeraude, I think, even if their despair came from different sides. I... I don't know if either of them were heroes. I don't know if I've been one, or if I could ever be one, either.
We're just... people. And people can only do so much on their own, no matter what position they take.
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xie lian's expression shifts, just for a moment. there's a brief widening of his eyes, a hint of vulnerable, silent surprise -
but other than that, any reaction comes off of his face. ]
...That prince... I don't think he was a hero. [ xie lian says, quietly, looking at the altar, now. ] I think he thought he could be, and... that perhaps he learned that definition is complicated, like you said. But I don't think that, necessarily, it was wrong, for your princess or the prince to follow their hearts, either. It is as we talked about the first time we spoke here - that good intentions sometimes have bad consequences.
And I think... that ultimately, you learn lessons about what you can, or can't support on your own. No matter who you are, whether that's a young lady who wants to help an entire country, or just a simple scrap collector - even if you briefly lose sight of yourself, and the things and people that are important to you, no matter how they are important to you... those things will not always be gone.
You are right, that people can only do so much on their own. And being alone can be miserable. [ finally, xie lian turns away from the shrine to look at her properly, his hands still gently together, as if in prayer. ] But the people and things that change you are carved into you, no matter what.
[ he doesn't know how to tell hikaru - but he thinks, that she forgot. that she must have forgotten something so, so important to her, and that she can't even tell. that is the worst part about the realm; that he cannot carry the weight of loss to help these young people, that he cannot fix the realm fast enough.
...but he's not fixing it, alone.
xie lian has learned how heavy the world is, when you carry it on your shoulders by yourself. ] Someone once told me, that heroes were complicated. That sometimes, they have good intentions, and sometimes, those good intentions go wrong. But to be a hero does not mean to carry the burden of the world on your shoulders by yourself. It doesn't always mean to accept things as they are.
Sometimes, it means to take a path of your own, when you stand at a crossroads. Sometimes, you must cut your way through the dark and make a third path. And traversing that third path sometimes means that you will be alone - but it does not mean that you will set aside the lessons that you have had carved into your heart, even...even if it takes you some time to remember all the pieces of them.
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Mm. I know that... if I were to go home, the chance that I would just follow the same path as Emeraude would be high. I... I don't want that. And I can't give up the world without a Pillar, or give it to someone who only wishes to have the world die a slow, sleeplike death with him forever.
I want a third way. It's... why I know I might die. But... I have to try.
...
Chijin... Hua-chan was the one who told me that story. Taizi Dianxia. The prince who pleased the gods. He said something about his god not liking people to be prostrate when they were at prayer.
You said something like that too today, out at the fire. Is... that the same god you worship, at Puji Shrine?
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A third path is a dangerous path; but with an attitude like that, it is not one that is impossible to traverse. At least... I have never felt that way.
[ as hikaru falls silent, xie lian does too. his attention shifts back to the altar, again, and he seems to be considering saying a prayer, when hikaru says something that surprises him.
there's a beat. his mouth curls a little, at the corner. san lang... he really does know everything. it's too impressive. sometimes, xie lian wonders...
but that would be impossible.
he nods, instead, closing his eyes. ] It is. You are correct.
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...Could... I pray to him, Chijin? Even if I don't know the way to reach him, or the name of the Meishi... do you think he would still hear me from a place like this?
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("the one i'm worshipping is the -- his highness of xian le."
"who's that?"
"never heard of him.")
he pushes it back as if he hadn't, though, and exhales on a soft huff, almost a laugh. ]
...I think he will hear you, if that is your intention.
Would you like me to leave? I can give you some privacy.
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