this is the second time now that xie lian's felt a familiar sense of empathy with this young lady - a deep feeling of worry and loss. there are some parts of her story that he's not sure he understands (what a pillar is, for instance), but the meaning of it is not at all lost on him.
he's quiet, when he speaks, listening carefully to her story. as hikaru finishes, he reaches out - and gently, places his calloused hand on top of her tightly curled fist. xie lian's voice is gentle and quiet, not judgmental - only filled with the soft vulnerability that comes with empathy. ]
...Let me ask you something, Miss Hikaru: did this just happen when you awoke in this place, or has it been some time, since?
[Her fist trembles under his touch, fighting the urge to cry again. This already kept her up so many nights, making everyone around her worry... but she'd long given up on getting used to it. She didn't want to.
Her voice is quiet when she responds.]
It was almost a year ago.
I... I got to go back before I woke up here, but because of what we did... Cefiro's falling apart now. It needs a Pillar to stay together, and...
...
We're... I'm... the reason it doesn't have one anymore.
[ feeling her hand tremble under his aches, too. hikaru is so small, and so young. she has had the entire world on her shoulders, it seems, and not for the first time, he's reminded of a younger version of himself, who had been so unbelievably sure that he had done the right thing, who always wanted to do the right thing - even when it continued to go so, so wrong.
he gives that small hand a squeeze, and then shifts to kneel down in front of her to negate some of their height difference. if hikaru will let him, xie lian very gently starts to try and pry her fingers out of that tight fist as he talks, in a gentle, calm voice. ]
...sometimes, no matter how badly we want to do the right thing, we don't always have sight of what the right thing is. Our perspectives can feel narrow, especially when you're in a situation that feels desperate, and you want to make sure that you find the best case scenario, where the least amount of people are hurt. We all think, "if I could just go back", or "if I had known better" as we look to such events with hindsight - but ultimately, there is no changing the things that have already happened.
[ this advice comes from somewhere personal, for xie lian - his xian le and the entire world on his shoulders, the people of yong'an, the refugees, the guoshi stir in the back of his mind, old and never once forgotten. even so, he keeps his gaze on hikaru's small hands, his touch exceedingly gentle and careful. ]
What you did in the past, unknowingly or otherwise, is not what makes you the person that you are, but rather... what you do after, is what matters. As you grow and change, it is important not to forget the loss in its entirety--not just the pain and the consequences, but the lessons that you have learned from the aftermath, too.
How you approach it, how you try to fix it... these are things it sounds like you still may yet be able to do, when we finish in the Realm. The world here seems only to have taken a brief pause. [ tilting his head up to look at her properly, xie lian pats her hand, a small, warm smile on his face that's all sincere. ]
I would be happy to hold onto this memory for you, Miss Hikaru, so that you do not lose sight of something so important. It would be an honor.
[She holds her composure as best as she can until the bitter end, tears rolling down her face as she grips weakly againt his gentle hold.]
Please.... please, please don't let me forget... I... I had to kill a princess, and the man she loved, with my own hands... All they wanted was to just be together, and be able to love, in a world that wouldn't let them... and now...
[She shakes her head, over and over.]
I can't forget. I can't let something like that ever happen again. I don't want to fight without knowing. I don't want someone to have to suffer when they only want to be with a loved one...
I can't forget...
i cannot believe dreamwidth cucked you this hard i am so sorry
[ xie lian holds her hand tight, lets her grip on as much as she feels like she needs, but after she trails off, he lifts his hand to gently wipe away some of the tears at on her cheeks with his long sleeve.
how awful, for her to have experienced such a thing. how cruel the world is - xie lian has always wished it wasn't, but he has been so, so aware of its nature for far too long.
he takes the duty of holding this memory with all of the somber seriousness it requires, and feels i don't want someone to have to suffer when they only want to be with a loved one deep, deep in his core. it reminds him of a little ghost fire, all those years ago. ]
If you forget, I will remember. I will find ways to remind you, even if the event disappears from your mind, Miss Hikaru, I swear it.
[She doesn't push him away, even as he wiped at her face, even as she pulls her composure back as desperately as she can with a shaking breath.]
Even if everything else disappears...
To... to forget that I led a world to suffer because I was ignorant... and to forget that I... I can only do anything that I can, cause of the people I love who I have by my side...
...I don't... want to go back to how I thought before. I don't want to be a hero, Chijin-san, if I don't remember what it means anymore.
[ xie lian considers, for a moment, what it means to be a hero, to him. he considers his own life. he considers the moment when he lost sight of himself, a long, long time ago.
and he nods, giving her hand a squeeze. ] ...Then, we won't forget, Miss Hikaru. Let us engrave such a memory on our souls, so it can never be taken away, even if the context disappears for a while.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
this is the second time now that xie lian's felt a familiar sense of empathy with this young lady - a deep feeling of worry and loss. there are some parts of her story that he's not sure he understands (what a pillar is, for instance), but the meaning of it is not at all lost on him.
he's quiet, when he speaks, listening carefully to her story. as hikaru finishes, he reaches out - and gently, places his calloused hand on top of her tightly curled fist. xie lian's voice is gentle and quiet, not judgmental - only filled with the soft vulnerability that comes with empathy. ]
...Let me ask you something, Miss Hikaru: did this just happen when you awoke in this place, or has it been some time, since?
no subject
Her voice is quiet when she responds.]
It was almost a year ago.
I... I got to go back before I woke up here, but because of what we did... Cefiro's falling apart now. It needs a Pillar to stay together, and...
...
We're... I'm... the reason it doesn't have one anymore.
no subject
he gives that small hand a squeeze, and then shifts to kneel down in front of her to negate some of their height difference. if hikaru will let him, xie lian very gently starts to try and pry her fingers out of that tight fist as he talks, in a gentle, calm voice. ]
...sometimes, no matter how badly we want to do the right thing, we don't always have sight of what the right thing is. Our perspectives can feel narrow, especially when you're in a situation that feels desperate, and you want to make sure that you find the best case scenario, where the least amount of people are hurt. We all think, "if I could just go back", or "if I had known better" as we look to such events with hindsight - but ultimately, there is no changing the things that have already happened.
[ this advice comes from somewhere personal, for xie lian - his xian le and the entire world on his shoulders, the people of yong'an, the refugees, the guoshi stir in the back of his mind, old and never once forgotten. even so, he keeps his gaze on hikaru's small hands, his touch exceedingly gentle and careful. ]
What you did in the past, unknowingly or otherwise, is not what makes you the person that you are, but rather... what you do after, is what matters. As you grow and change, it is important not to forget the loss in its entirety--not just the pain and the consequences, but the lessons that you have learned from the aftermath, too.
How you approach it, how you try to fix it... these are things it sounds like you still may yet be able to do, when we finish in the Realm. The world here seems only to have taken a brief pause. [ tilting his head up to look at her properly, xie lian pats her hand, a small, warm smile on his face that's all sincere. ]
I would be happy to hold onto this memory for you, Miss Hikaru, so that you do not lose sight of something so important. It would be an honor.
no subject
[She holds her composure as best as she can until the bitter end, tears rolling down her face as she grips weakly againt his gentle hold.]
Please.... please, please don't let me forget... I... I had to kill a princess, and the man she loved, with my own hands... All they wanted was to just be together, and be able to love, in a world that wouldn't let them... and now...
[She shakes her head, over and over.]
I can't forget. I can't let something like that ever happen again. I don't want to fight without knowing. I don't want someone to have to suffer when they only want to be with a loved one...
I can't forget...
i cannot believe dreamwidth cucked you this hard i am so sorry
how awful, for her to have experienced such a thing. how cruel the world is - xie lian has always wished it wasn't, but he has been so, so aware of its nature for far too long.
he takes the duty of holding this memory with all of the somber seriousness it requires, and feels i don't want someone to have to suffer when they only want to be with a loved one deep, deep in his core. it reminds him of a little ghost fire, all those years ago. ]
If you forget, I will remember. I will find ways to remind you, even if the event disappears from your mind, Miss Hikaru, I swear it.
18 DAYS LATER IM IN SO MUCH PAIN
Even if everything else disappears...
To... to forget that I led a world to suffer because I was ignorant... and to forget that I... I can only do anything that I can, cause of the people I love who I have by my side...
...I don't... want to go back to how I thought before. I don't want to be a hero, Chijin-san, if I don't remember what it means anymore.
no subject
and he nods, giving her hand a squeeze. ] ...Then, we won't forget, Miss Hikaru. Let us engrave such a memory on our souls, so it can never be taken away, even if the context disappears for a while.