Throwing away your life at all isn't right, though, Schwann-san. And it... it isn't brave.
[It hits a nerve, a painful one, one she'd never truly gotten to speak of with Raven completely. With how he doted on her... to think of ever bringing it up felt a little cruel.]
Would Canary-san have wanted you to do that? Or would she have told you what being brave really meant? Would it mean just waiting to die, and thinking of yourself horribly?
[The answer to that is obvious. Canary wouldn't approve of him at all. She'd remind him of what it meant to be a true knight. What she aspired to be, and she had hoped he did too. The man he is now... Well.]
Canary's wishes were for a man who's dead now. I can't be the person she wanted me to be. And I don't need you to tell me that I'm a coward, Hikaru. [He's well aware.]
I didn't ever call you that, Schwann-san. Being a coward and just being afraid or tired or burdened... they are all really different things, I think.
...
[Her tone softens, regarding him with nothing but a simple curiosity and an undercurrent of fond concern, even if this man wasn't entirely the one she'd been considering a friend.]
Could... you tell me what happened? How you died?
If you came back as somebody else somehow, then... why did it make you change your mind about the thoughts of somebody who meant a whole lot to you?
[This is the point where Raven would close up, not wanting to burden Hikaru with his darker thoughts. But Raven's not here, and most of Schwann's thoughts are dark. If she's going to be so persistent, at this point, he might as well be honest. Who knows, maybe they'll all have forgotten this by next week.]
Even Canary's strongest attack couldn't stop the monster we were fleeing from. After she was gone, it pierced through my heart.
When I woke up, everyone I'd ever known or cared about was dead. I thought, what was the point of being separated from them? So I decided I'd died too. I couldn't be convinced otherwise. And the dead want nothing.
[A soft sigh.]
So the Commandant gave me a new identity, and told me to live as that person instead. And Schwann Oltorain can't be the sort of knight Canary would want. [How many names does this guy have.]
[It takes a moment for it to all sink in, for her anger at his circumstance to die down to a level where she feels she can speak respectfully. She doesn't want this man in front of her to hurt so, so badly for something like this. If she had been in his place - if her knights had died doing what they needed, and she had been the only one left... what kind of despair would that have brought?]
...I'm... so sorry, Schwann-san. To carry that kind of hurt with you, and to have no one left to bear it with, is... it's unfair.
...
Was it not worth it to you, to try to find happiness again? Your Commandant... were they the ones who brought you back somehow, from being dead? But... you said they told you to do things. They gave you things, told you things...
Was... it something you thought you owed them, instead of from your own heart? Or... [Or was he forced?]
Commandant Alexei was a good man once. He wanted to fix things. reform the knights and change a broken system. I suppose you could say I owed him, but it wasn't a life I really wanted in the first place [so what's there to owe, really.] But I admired him once. By the time I realized how far down a dark path he'd gone, it was already too late for me as well. My hands were as dirty as his were.
[He frowns a little, trying to remember things, but he just can't.] I think that's what "Raven" was, Hikaru. Someone trying to be happy again. I think there were people who cared about him. I just can't remember, besides you and Claude. And maybe by next week I'll have forgotten that too, I suspect.
I think it's why we really have to rely on each other. For times like this, when... when we're the only ones who can carry those kinds of memories. [Her smile is gentle.] At least, for now... I'm glad you remember that much. I hope you don't think poorly of me for asking.
[A beat, something resolving within her.]
...I don't think it's necessarily bad, to put trust in someone or something that... sees that change needs to happen. Even if they don't do it the right way. Even if... the worst has to happen, before anyone can see what was going wrong.
It falls on us who've had to carry that kind of weight on our hands to remember that kind of stuff. But... it's not something we can do from a grave.
... No, it isn't. But the grave is something that's hard to crawl back out of. [At least... it was for him.]
What I don't understand is what exactly is being asked of someone like you, Hikaru. [He's not truly surprised... he just wish he could be, that such weight is being placed on the shoulders of someone so young. Give me the lore, Nik.]
It's not quite the same, maybe. I... didn't know a war with soldiers or anything.
I was brought with two of my best friends to a world called Cefiro. We knew nothing about it, but we were told we'd been summoned by the person who kept Cefiro together through her prayers... Princess Emeraude. We were her Legendary Magic Knights, and we had to save her from where she'd been taken away, or Cefiro would vanish, and we would never be able to leave.
I... thought it was the best, at first. The thought of being a knight, of saving a princess and a world... It was doing what I thought was always the right thing, the just thing... and everyone around us thought the same. But...
[She exhales slowly.]
Sometimes you... don't find things out until it's too late. Until your hands are dirtied.
[WELL THIS IS... A LOT? Well. Hikaru does have a sword, but the whole setup... Unexpected.]
So... this isn't your first time traveling to another world, then. [That's the weirdest part of it all for him, actually. But then he leans back, slightly, looking up at the sky. The appeal of being a knight, doing heroic acts, that's normal for a teenager to aspire to. And then learn that things aren't that simple at all.]
I'm sorry you had to learn that lesson already, Hikaru.
Yeah. When I first came here, it felt... similar. Maybe it's why I made such foolish choices to start, thinking it might be more of the same.
[She stares down at her hands, at the blades of glass she's plucked, now just fodder for her fingers.]
We were brought to Cefiro to save the world... and until we found Princess Emeraude, we thought that saving the world meant saving her, you know? Cefiro is a land of belief, and Emeraude was the Pillar of that land, with a heart strong enough to pray for endless protection and prosperity.
But... she fell in love. And when her heart wavered, her people suffered. She hid away, and her lover tried to protect her, but soon became a villain in the eyes of everybody else.
So Emeraude summoned us, not to save her... but to kill her. And it wasn't something we knew, that anyone knew... until we'd already killed her love.
[Wow this is some high fantasy drama, and just hearing it makes him tired. Difficult, tragic situation aside, why would you pick Hikaru for this? Why would you put something like this on the shoulders of someone so young, naive, and kind?]
... Being a knight is hard. You're sent off on some crusade, and you think you understand what you're in for, but once you're out there... Things are far worse and more complicated than anyone knew going in. [That's war. Or at least, his experience of it.]
It makes you wonder why you even bothered in the first place. Whether any of it was worth it. [Thanks for the pep talk, Schwann.]
...I don't think you're a poor excuse for an adult. You're very sad, and you have a lot that you've lost, and a lot done to you that you didn't deserve, even if some of it was consequences for choices.
You're not pitiable, Schwann-san. You're just a person.
[He's quiet for a long moment, looking back at the flowers in his hands. Thinking about Canary. Would she have given him the same clemency Hikaru was? Maybe. But if she knew-]
I'm not a person. I'm just a tool used to kill. Commandant Alexei would point and I'd act. It wasn't that I didn't know it was wrong. I just couldn't be bothered to care.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[It hits a nerve, a painful one, one she'd never truly gotten to speak of with Raven completely. With how he doted on her... to think of ever bringing it up felt a little cruel.]
Would Canary-san have wanted you to do that? Or would she have told you what being brave really meant? Would it mean just waiting to die, and thinking of yourself horribly?
Or would she want you to do something else?
no subject
Canary's wishes were for a man who's dead now. I can't be the person she wanted me to be. And I don't need you to tell me that I'm a coward, Hikaru.
[He's well aware.]
no subject
...
[Her tone softens, regarding him with nothing but a simple curiosity and an undercurrent of fond concern, even if this man wasn't entirely the one she'd been considering a friend.]
Could... you tell me what happened? How you died?
If you came back as somebody else somehow, then... why did it make you change your mind about the thoughts of somebody who meant a whole lot to you?
no subject
Even Canary's strongest attack couldn't stop the monster we were fleeing from. After she was gone, it pierced through my heart.
When I woke up, everyone I'd ever known or cared about was dead. I thought, what was the point of being separated from them? So I decided I'd died too. I couldn't be convinced otherwise. And the dead want nothing.
[A soft sigh.]
So the Commandant gave me a new identity, and told me to live as that person instead. And Schwann Oltorain can't be the sort of knight Canary would want.
[How many names does this guy have.]
no subject
[It takes a moment for it to all sink in, for her anger at his circumstance to die down to a level where she feels she can speak respectfully. She doesn't want this man in front of her to hurt so, so badly for something like this. If she had been in his place - if her knights had died doing what they needed, and she had been the only one left... what kind of despair would that have brought?]
...I'm... so sorry, Schwann-san. To carry that kind of hurt with you, and to have no one left to bear it with, is... it's unfair.
...
Was it not worth it to you, to try to find happiness again? Your Commandant... were they the ones who brought you back somehow, from being dead? But... you said they told you to do things. They gave you things, told you things...
Was... it something you thought you owed them, instead of from your own heart? Or... [Or was he forced?]
no subject
[He frowns a little, trying to remember things, but he just can't.]
I think that's what "Raven" was, Hikaru. Someone trying to be happy again. I think there were people who cared about him. I just can't remember, besides you and Claude. And maybe by next week I'll have forgotten that too, I suspect.
no subject
I think it's why we really have to rely on each other. For times like this, when... when we're the only ones who can carry those kinds of memories. [Her smile is gentle.] At least, for now... I'm glad you remember that much. I hope you don't think poorly of me for asking.
[A beat, something resolving within her.]
...I don't think it's necessarily bad, to put trust in someone or something that... sees that change needs to happen. Even if they don't do it the right way. Even if... the worst has to happen, before anyone can see what was going wrong.
It falls on us who've had to carry that kind of weight on our hands to remember that kind of stuff. But... it's not something we can do from a grave.
no subject
[At least... it was for him.]
What I don't understand is what exactly is being asked of someone like you, Hikaru.
[He's not truly surprised... he just wish he could be, that such weight is being placed on the shoulders of someone so young. Give me the lore, Nik.]
no subject
I was brought with two of my best friends to a world called Cefiro. We knew nothing about it, but we were told we'd been summoned by the person who kept Cefiro together through her prayers... Princess Emeraude. We were her Legendary Magic Knights, and we had to save her from where she'd been taken away, or Cefiro would vanish, and we would never be able to leave.
I... thought it was the best, at first. The thought of being a knight, of saving a princess and a world... It was doing what I thought was always the right thing, the just thing... and everyone around us thought the same. But...
[She exhales slowly.]
Sometimes you... don't find things out until it's too late. Until your hands are dirtied.
no subject
So... this isn't your first time traveling to another world, then.
[That's the weirdest part of it all for him, actually. But then he leans back, slightly, looking up at the sky. The appeal of being a knight, doing heroic acts, that's normal for a teenager to aspire to. And then learn that things aren't that simple at all.]
I'm sorry you had to learn that lesson already, Hikaru.
no subject
[She stares down at her hands, at the blades of glass she's plucked, now just fodder for her fingers.]
We were brought to Cefiro to save the world... and until we found Princess Emeraude, we thought that saving the world meant saving her, you know? Cefiro is a land of belief, and Emeraude was the Pillar of that land, with a heart strong enough to pray for endless protection and prosperity.
But... she fell in love. And when her heart wavered, her people suffered. She hid away, and her lover tried to protect her, but soon became a villain in the eyes of everybody else.
So Emeraude summoned us, not to save her... but to kill her. And it wasn't something we knew, that anyone knew... until we'd already killed her love.
no subject
... Being a knight is hard. You're sent off on some crusade, and you think you understand what you're in for, but once you're out there... Things are far worse and more complicated than anyone knew going in.
[That's war. Or at least, his experience of it.]
It makes you wonder why you even bothered in the first place. Whether any of it was worth it.
[Thanks for the pep talk, Schwann.]
no subject
It doesn't mean we have to accept it as good or bad. It... just is. And it's the living's responsibility to not repeat those mistakes.
no subject
[Hm.]
But I agree with that. It doesn't help, or make things easier, but that's what life is, for some people.
[Hard and miserable.]
no subject
...I don't think you're a poor excuse for an adult. You're very sad, and you have a lot that you've lost, and a lot done to you that you didn't deserve, even if some of it was consequences for choices.
You're not pitiable, Schwann-san. You're just a person.
no subject
[He's quiet for a long moment, looking back at the flowers in his hands. Thinking about Canary. Would she have given him the same clemency Hikaru was? Maybe. But if she knew-]
I'm not a person. I'm just a tool used to kill. Commandant Alexei would point and I'd act. It wasn't that I didn't know it was wrong. I just couldn't be bothered to care.