[If this was only a few weeks ago the answer would probably be no, but sometimes jrpg parties happen to you and you change a bit.]
I guess I just don't wanna weigh ya down with adult problems any more than you already have, y'know? [But he's not saying he won't tell her if she wants.]
I... don't think it's a matter of it being an adult problem or not. Somebody can hurt badly no matter what age they are, can't it? When a kid hurts... at least we have a lotta life left to live, and we can do our best as we grow up. When an adult hurts, though...
[...]
I just... always wonder how long they keep it to themselves, because they think they gotta be the strong ones. Wouldn't your heart just fall apart without somebody to talk to?
[This is a hot take. Kids shouldn't have to suffer at all, he thinks, but it's so rare they actually get to escape unscathed... and they certainly are more resilient. Still. His heart fall apart, huh? That's an interesting thing to say.]
I wouldn't worry about that. My heart's sturdier than most.
[Still, he sighs, because he sees her point. Having the rest of the group know, to worry after him, it felt weird, but it certainly felt a lot less heavy than it did before.] Ten years ago, there was a war. Everyone I was with died, and I really ought to have died with them. That's the long and short of it.
[Hm. The topic of war isn't an unfamiliar one, but there was a difference between what she knew and what she'd learned in things like history books. To have everyone around you die... that was horrible enough. But to say you should also be dead, too...???]
...Why do you think you should have died? Did... something happen?
[Hm he should correct that, but soldier and knight are different so it's fine probably.]
Well... it's just that what's the point of livin' if everyone you knew is gone? And besides that... why should you get ta live when no one else did? Our Captain's life was more important than mine, so why did she... [His voice cracks slightly, and he just shakes his head. Conceal, don't feel.]
Like I said, stuff you shouldn't have ta trouble yerself with.
cw: suicidal ideation for the rest of this thread?????? damn idk what to tag this with
[It's quiet at first. The idea of someone being so blatantly against living is foreign to her, but the weight that comes with it is, unfortunately, a recent friend. It aches, to see a man that tried to be so jovial only days before now flatten out under his regrets.]
I think your life's important. You're here, aren't you? You're getting to help save the world, and save your friends, and I got to meet you and learn what kind of person you are... And the Realm wouldn't choose any of us for no reason at all. I don't think that, anyway.
[A beat.
She quietly starts to pick at the grass.]
It... hurts a lot, to have to think of somebody dying, when you didn't want it to happen. When maybe you could have changed it or chosen better... you play it in your head so often that you can't sleep anymore, and you hear their voices like they're ghosts sometimes...
But... you know that... part of the best thing about life is that it changes, right? That you get to meet new people? And that maybe, stuff that you couldn't do before, or mistakes that got made, or things you really, really regret... maybe, when you meet new people, that gives you the strength to keep going?
[Honestly, he's a little horrified by how much she understands. The number of times it's all played in his head... Hysum had asked him to protect their Captain. It was the only thing he needed to do. But in the end he'd frozen. Would it really have mattered? That monster would have just killed him first and then her. But still... at least he would have died doing what was right. Maybe then Alexei would have put the blastia heart in Canary instead. He'd have probably preferred that. But then, would it really have been any better to condemn her to this cursed existence? What should he have done? What could he have done differently? Was there something he could have done that would have really resulted in a better outcome?
Thank you, for staying by me til the end. That's why I like you.
She'd probably smack him now, if she could. Tell him to listen to everything Hikaru is saying. New people. He thinks of Yuri, of Karol and Judith, all of them. Well, he's certainly continuing on for their sake, one way or another. That said.]
Yeah, yeah, you're not the first kid to come along and yell at me that I ain't allowed to lay down and die again. It was only intended as a last resort, y'know?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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...Why did you say what you said, Raven-san? About sacrificing yourself.
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... Do you want an easy answer or the real answer?
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That... hurts more than she thought it would, though she's happy he's giving her the option.]
Do... you not want to give the real one?
Nobody just says stuff like that, Raven-san. Nobody says they want to give themselves up just cause they wanna be a hero.
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I guess I just don't wanna weigh ya down with adult problems any more than you already have, y'know?
[But he's not saying he won't tell her if she wants.]
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[...]
I just... always wonder how long they keep it to themselves, because they think they gotta be the strong ones. Wouldn't your heart just fall apart without somebody to talk to?
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I wouldn't worry about that. My heart's sturdier than most.
[Still, he sighs, because he sees her point. Having the rest of the group know, to worry after him, it felt weird, but it certainly felt a lot less heavy than it did before.]
Ten years ago, there was a war. Everyone I was with died, and I really ought to have died with them. That's the long and short of it.
no subject
You were a soldier, Raven-san?
[Hm. The topic of war isn't an unfamiliar one, but there was a difference between what she knew and what she'd learned in things like history books. To have everyone around you die... that was horrible enough. But to say you should also be dead, too...???]
...Why do you think you should have died? Did... something happen?
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Well... it's just that what's the point of livin' if everyone you knew is gone? And besides that... why should you get ta live when no one else did? Our Captain's life was more important than mine, so why did she...
[His voice cracks slightly, and he just shakes his head. Conceal, don't feel.]
Like I said, stuff you shouldn't have ta trouble yerself with.
cw: suicidal ideation for the rest of this thread?????? damn idk what to tag this with
[It's quiet at first. The idea of someone being so blatantly against living is foreign to her, but the weight that comes with it is, unfortunately, a recent friend. It aches, to see a man that tried to be so jovial only days before now flatten out under his regrets.]
I think your life's important. You're here, aren't you? You're getting to help save the world, and save your friends, and I got to meet you and learn what kind of person you are... And the Realm wouldn't choose any of us for no reason at all. I don't think that, anyway.
[A beat.
She quietly starts to pick at the grass.]
It... hurts a lot, to have to think of somebody dying, when you didn't want it to happen. When maybe you could have changed it or chosen better... you play it in your head so often that you can't sleep anymore, and you hear their voices like they're ghosts sometimes...
But... you know that... part of the best thing about life is that it changes, right? That you get to meet new people? And that maybe, stuff that you couldn't do before, or mistakes that got made, or things you really, really regret... maybe, when you meet new people, that gives you the strength to keep going?
no subject
Thank you, for staying by me til the end. That's why I like you.
She'd probably smack him now, if she could. Tell him to listen to everything Hikaru is saying. New people. He thinks of Yuri, of Karol and Judith, all of them. Well, he's certainly continuing on for their sake, one way or another. That said.]
Yeah, yeah, you're not the first kid to come along and yell at me that I ain't allowed to lay down and die again. It was only intended as a last resort, y'know?
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She looks at him carefully, silent for a long, long moment.]
"Again"?
[Did she hear that right?]
Does... that mean you've died before, Raven-san?
1/2
He's so unused to talking about this with anyone he lost track of what he had and hadn't divluged!?]
2/2
Ah, nah, just a slip of my tongue!
1/2
[It is unclear whether she believed that or not, but unfortunately: while Hikaru is observant, she is not smart.]
/2
I... don't want you to die like that, Raven-san. Even as a last resort.
Even if things have hurt you, and you've lost a lot... I... want you to be able to find something happy again.
this thread is now hilarious in retrospect
Hey, what do ya mean? Ain't I plenty lively and upbeat fer my age?
:unamused:
I think you deserve something happier than that, you know?
:knifecat:
I'm just sayin' ya ain't got a reason ta worry over me, Hikaru.