[A soft sound in the back of her throat, almost a laugh, but not quite.]
Maybe.
[...]
I passed the Test. And when the Creator told me that my opponent, Eagle, couldn't come back with me - that the loser of the Test had to disappear... I defied them. I tried to bring him back anyway. I wanted him to have a chance to live for himself, instead of just dying alone, because to be thrown into that position for the people he loved to be happy... he didn't deserve to die.
Eagle was fine, so long as I held him by the hand. It started just like... like walking through a horrible storm filled with ice, but so sharp that every blow cuts you open, and every step forward only made it worse. By the time I blacked out and woke up here... it felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out. I remember... looking down at my arms, and they were just disappearing into spirals of nothing. Like I was vanishing.
[...
Her hands wring a little harder, leaving raw red lines against her skin from her nails.]
If I do die... then so will Eagle, and someone else will need to be the Pillar. And if I don't, then I don't know if I will remember enough, to make the choices I need. I don't... remember how I won, or what I told Eagle. And if I can't remember what my heart yearned for so much that the Creator thought I could support the whole world...
[Then she was doomed. A dragon in the making under the eyes of an almost impassive Creator, bound to a heart that could well falter and bring her to misery.]
[ What about any of this is there even to laugh at? Maybe it's how stupid it all is, how incomprehensible, how could any of this be real? If he laughed here, it would be in the face of despair, the same reason he always...
Either way. She's doomed, isn't she? Nothing short of a miracle could fix this. A miracle isn't impossible, but they're running out of time. ]
It's not over yet. You're not on your own here either. Our team could still win. You could still get a wish.
[ It's not impossible???? Who knows, Kano isn't doing any math, but maybe if the last two teams make their kills and Goat Team somehow pulls together and, idk, murders everybody else afterwards and comes out as the last people standing, the dead could come back and the Goats could win and Hikaru could wish all of this away?
It's stupid, and desperate, and the irony isn't lost on Kano that the only thing he can think of to make this any better is a prayer to some cruel, nonexistent God whose fault it was in the first place. ]
I don't. But sometimes you have to make choices without knowing what to do. I know what I want. I know neither option I'll have will give me what I want.
So... I'll just have to make my own path, even if I have to let myself be torn apart to do it. I don't need a wish to give me the strength to do that.
[ What else can he say? He can't imagine living like that, walking forward in the darkness not knowing anything of what's out there- it's too much like being beholden to a prayer ]
[Mmm. It's becoming a quick tell now that Shuuya's growing upset when all he can throw out is that single insult and nothing else. She stares at the single word, holding the paper in her lap for a long while.
...]
Once there was a girl who climbed all the way to the top of a tower, at the risk of giving up her entire self, to make sure someone she loved dearly could have a chance to be happy, so that she could have a chance to be alive, and that they wouldn't be alone. She could turn away, or she could fight, but both would lead into anguish.
[She lifts her head to just barely face him, her eyes tired but hopeful.]
Remind me again how we decided that story would end, Shuuya?
[ It's just a story. One he'd woven so he could... he doesn't even know anymore. To prove a point, or to get her to consider something, or just because, for all the lies that he tells, he's never been good at making things up completely from scratch without dipping into his own life.
It's just a story, and they don't get to dictate how things work in real life- they're not gods. Just a kid, who picks up his crayon, and finishes the story. ]
The girl decided to fight, and approached the boy who had isolated himself in that tower, as he would destroy everything that he touches. Such is a dragon's curse, but the little girl paid no heed and took him by the hand all the same, both knowing that if they stayed together, she would have gotten torn apart. He would have torn her apart, for he is a dragon, and she is a little girl.
Neither could find happiness in a world that needed a dragon. So they decided
[ ... ]
that the world did not need a dragon. They decided to destroy the tower that held calamity at bay, and in doing so, fire and brimstone fell upon the land which they loved so. The little girl and the stupid boy were weak and hurt, but they got to their feet nevertheless, and once more they took up arms to fight.
Suffering spread across the world, divine retribution for their defiance against the world's order. God does not love the world. Not like they do. God who is merciless, who punishes instead of forgives, who only knows how to shift happiness and not how to create it—
The world does not need such a God. The world does not need a dragon.
All a world needs is its people.
And so the girl would die for the world, and the boy would die for its people, hand in hand, turned to face God and walk backwards into Hell.
[She waits as he writes, and stays quiet as she reads. It's a bleak and almost horrific side of things... but it isn't entirely untrue. What would Mokona do, if she were to be torn apart? What would they do, if she were to become the pillar and fail? Would they approve? Or would they do what they had always done and only observe, no matter how much she thought of them as a friend?
It's a question she's never bothered to ask herself, a dark path she's never bothered to let her mind wander down, and even stepping foot on it makes something inside her revolt immediately.
...]
Stories can have all sorts of endings for a reason, you know?
What if the girl and boy could have a chance to live, regardless of what their god decided? That they could take their fate into their own hands, so long as they had another by their side.
That's the ending I'd like to see. Not to die in spite of God, or to abandon everything they love to wrath and destruction, but... to live in defiance.
[ It's telling how hopeless Kano's story is, how he sees his own story, but he wouldn't have ever gotten out of the tower on his own. The chance to live was never on his mind, just the determination to live long enough to see his wish come true: a world of peace and happiness, and if he cannot be part of that world, so be it.
But he's not alone anymore, and he realizes he was never alone back home either, and maybe, given the chance, ]
Stupid. That's not an ending. To live in defiance is every day.
That's how they write sequels, you know? It doesn't have to have an end. Not a true one, anyway.
[Her smile is gentle, unwavering as her eyes run back over his writing.]
I'd like that. To find an end to the pointless hurt. To face God and change what God intended, despite everything, despite the odds, despite how horribly it might hurt... And to live, and write another story with the path I choose to walk, with a happier world. One I can still be able to look over, with everyone I care about. All the people of my world, and the people I've come to know here.
[ UGH. Kano in the face of genuine compassion is just "ugh" and it makes his skin crawl, heat flushing from his neck to his ears as he quickly turns to look away. He doesn't deserve any of this, least of all to be cared about, especially when the "he" people care about... well.
Where is that "stupid" paper? He pulls that one close to him again. ]
"Stupid" paper is taken, and she just blinks as he holds it up, before giggling quietly. Gee how did she know he was gonna say that.]
We're in this together, you dummy. Remember?
What did you think I was gonna say? That I want you to be all by yourself for the rest of your life, or that I wanna see you have to hurt for everybody you care about and never be able to actually have your own happy ending?
If you think it's a stupid option for me to give up and walk into my own fate, then I can think it's a stupid option for you, too.
[ Yeah! That's what she was supposed to say! He thought he'd made that pretty obvious the day he died here, but it's been so long he can no longer remember what he'd said to who, just that he said a lot more than he would have normally said because of Hikaru's stupid kindness item. ]
I don't mind being alone if it means the people I care about are safe and happy. It's alright if my story ends here too, as long as I can guarantee that for them.
[A beat, before she gently takes up one of his hands.]
That's your fate, right?? Just like my fate is an unclear and lonely one.
What happens to the people you leave behind, Shuuya, when you're no longer there? If you can't bear the thought of a life without them... then don't you think they'll feel just as sad, to not have you, either?
Can't you do more together, trusting your loved ones, than having to bear that all by yourself? If you could fight God with your own hands, and give yourself a better future where you didn't have to choose between your happiness and your loved ones... would you want that chance?
[ WOW. But it's true; Hikaru is stupid but Kano is even more so— he says it himself, calls himself stupid all the time, knows so much of what he does is stupid stupid stupid. Useless. No good. It's still something hearing it, though. ]
Impossible.
[ He is! really stupid! But at least he smiles a little at that, self-depreciating as it is. ]
Of course I want that chance. But I wouldn't know what to do with myself after all of this is over. What sort of life am I supposed to lead? At least when I die, I die knowing my siblings are safe and alive. And I get to see my mother, and my mom, and my sister again. I'm already very tired.
To say what kind of life you could have... the only way to know is to live.
[But he's tired, he's losing hope, and his words read of a loss he's never mentioned. Her grip squeezes against his palm as her voice grows a little gentler.]
...Have they been gone a really long time? Your family?
[ HE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE.............. he's got this one thing he wants to do and after that he wants to sleep forever, that's been the mood for the past few years already ]
Around ten years since my mother died. Five since my mom died. Two years ago, my sister.
[ And soon the rest of his family! Everything just keeps happening. ]
[ To that second question. He absolutely does not want to forget any of them, even if he subconsciously rubs the scars on the back of his hands when he pulls away after writing. ]
[ His fist tighten around his crayon, because his entire being is a reminder, isn't it? Everything that he is, is because of these people in his life. ]
In this place, we can't forget. Right?
[ And then later they have the monster convo and Hikaru brings up the monster eating their memories and he will be "hm" ]
At least she still has her name. She still has something left of a story, with the details falling out. It was something.
...
But she slowly nods.]
Just in case, I guess.
I think it's the easiest way to remember people, that's all. To tell others about what made them so special. It makes them a bigger memory than just what's in your own head, cause people can see how those special memories turned you into you, too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Not looking up.]
Will you promise not to laugh?
no subject
If I laugh, you can punch me in the throat.
no subject
Maybe.
[...]
I passed the Test. And when the Creator told me that my opponent, Eagle, couldn't come back with me - that the loser of the Test had to disappear... I defied them. I tried to bring him back anyway. I wanted him to have a chance to live for himself, instead of just dying alone, because to be thrown into that position for the people he loved to be happy... he didn't deserve to die.
Eagle was fine, so long as I held him by the hand. It started just like... like walking through a horrible storm filled with ice, but so sharp that every blow cuts you open, and every step forward only made it worse. By the time I blacked out and woke up here... it felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out. I remember... looking down at my arms, and they were just disappearing into spirals of nothing. Like I was vanishing.
[...
Her hands wring a little harder, leaving raw red lines against her skin from her nails.]
If I do die... then so will Eagle, and someone else will need to be the Pillar. And if I don't, then I don't know if I will remember enough, to make the choices I need. I don't... remember how I won, or what I told Eagle. And if I can't remember what my heart yearned for so much that the Creator thought I could support the whole world...
[Then she was doomed. A dragon in the making under the eyes of an almost impassive Creator, bound to a heart that could well falter and bring her to misery.]
no subject
Either way. She's doomed, isn't she? Nothing short of a miracle could fix this. A miracle isn't impossible, but they're running out of time. ]
It's not over yet.
You're not on your own here either.
Our team could still win.
You could still get a wish.
[ It's not impossible???? Who knows, Kano isn't doing any math, but maybe if the last two teams make their kills and Goat Team somehow pulls together and, idk, murders everybody else afterwards and comes out as the last people standing, the dead could come back and the Goats could win and Hikaru could wish all of this away?
It's stupid, and desperate, and the irony isn't lost on Kano that the only thing he can think of to make this any better is a prayer to some cruel, nonexistent God whose fault it was in the first place. ]
no subject
I'll do whatever I can. But even if we win... I don't need a wish.
This is just something I have to do.
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[ Stop refusing help! There's no reason to be stubborn over it, is how he sees it. If she has a wish and it's legit, then use it. ]
no subject
I don't. But sometimes you have to make choices without knowing what to do. I know what I want. I know neither option I'll have will give me what I want.
So... I'll just have to make my own path, even if I have to let myself be torn apart to do it. I don't need a wish to give me the strength to do that.
no subject
[ What else can he say? He can't imagine living like that, walking forward in the darkness not knowing anything of what's out there- it's too much like being beholden to a prayer ]
no subject
...]
Once there was a girl who climbed all the way to the top of a tower, at the risk of giving up her entire self, to make sure someone she loved dearly could have a chance to be happy, so that she could have a chance to be alive, and that they wouldn't be alone. She could turn away, or she could fight, but both would lead into anguish.
[She lifts her head to just barely face him, her eyes tired but hopeful.]
Remind me again how we decided that story would end, Shuuya?
no subject
It's just a story, and they don't get to dictate how things work in real life- they're not gods. Just a kid, who picks up his crayon, and finishes the story. ]
The girl decided to fight, and approached the boy who had isolated himself in that tower, as he would destroy everything that he touches. Such is a dragon's curse, but the little girl paid no heed and took him by the hand all the same, both knowing that if they stayed together, she would have gotten torn apart. He would have torn her apart, for he is a dragon, and she is a little girl.
Neither could find happiness in a world that needed a dragon. So they decided
[ ... ]
that the world did not need a dragon. They decided to destroy the tower that held calamity at bay, and in doing so, fire and brimstone fell upon the land which they loved so. The little girl and the stupid boy were weak and hurt, but they got to their feet nevertheless, and once more they took up arms to fight.
Suffering spread across the world, divine retribution for their defiance against the world's order. God does not love the world. Not like they do. God who is merciless, who punishes instead of forgives, who only knows how to shift happiness and not how to create it—
The world does not need such a God. The world does not need a dragon.
All a world needs is its people.
And so the girl would die for the world, and the boy would die for its people, hand in hand, turned to face God and walk backwards into Hell.
no subject
It's a question she's never bothered to ask herself, a dark path she's never bothered to let her mind wander down, and even stepping foot on it makes something inside her revolt immediately.
...]
Stories can have all sorts of endings for a reason, you know?
What if the girl and boy could have a chance to live, regardless of what their god decided? That they could take their fate into their own hands, so long as they had another by their side.
That's the ending I'd like to see. Not to die in spite of God, or to abandon everything they love to wrath and destruction, but... to live in defiance.
no subject
But he's not alone anymore, and he realizes he was never alone back home either, and maybe, given the chance, ]
Stupid. That's not an ending.
To live in defiance is every day.
no subject
That's how they write sequels, you know? It doesn't have to have an end. Not a true one, anyway.
[Her smile is gentle, unwavering as her eyes run back over his writing.]
I'd like that. To find an end to the pointless hurt. To face God and change what God intended, despite everything, despite the odds, despite how horribly it might hurt... And to live, and write another story with the path I choose to walk, with a happier world. One I can still be able to look over, with everyone I care about. All the people of my world, and the people I've come to know here.
[Her eyes flick up, genuine and compassionate.]
Like you.
no subject
Where is that "stupid" paper? He pulls that one close to him again. ]
no subject
"Stupid" paper is taken, and she just blinks as he holds it up, before giggling quietly. Gee how did she know he was gonna say that.]
We're in this together, you dummy. Remember?
What did you think I was gonna say? That I want you to be all by yourself for the rest of your life, or that I wanna see you have to hurt for everybody you care about and never be able to actually have your own happy ending?
If you think it's a stupid option for me to give up and walk into my own fate, then I can think it's a stupid option for you, too.
no subject
I don't mind being alone if it means the people I care about are safe and happy.
It's alright if my story ends here too, as long as I can guarantee that for them.
no subject
That's your fate, right?? Just like my fate is an unclear and lonely one.
What happens to the people you leave behind, Shuuya, when you're no longer there? If you can't bear the thought of a life without them... then don't you think they'll feel just as sad, to not have you, either?
Can't you do more together, trusting your loved ones, than having to bear that all by yourself? If you could fight God with your own hands, and give yourself a better future where you didn't have to choose between your happiness and your loved ones... would you want that chance?
[A smile, brief.]
Can't you try to be a little less stupid than me?
no subject
Impossible.
[ He is! really stupid! But at least he smiles a little at that, self-depreciating as it is. ]
Of course I want that chance.
But I wouldn't know what to do with myself after all of this is over.
What sort of life am I supposed to lead?
At least when I die, I die knowing my siblings are safe and alive.
And I get to see my mother, and my mom, and my sister again.
I'm already very tired.
no subject
To say what kind of life you could have... the only way to know is to live.
[But he's tired, he's losing hope, and his words read of a loss he's never mentioned. Her grip squeezes against his palm as her voice grows a little gentler.]
...Have they been gone a really long time? Your family?
no subject
Around ten years since my mother died.
Five since my mom died.
Two years ago, my sister.
[ And soon the rest of his family! Everything just keeps happening. ]
no subject
...]
You miss them an awful lot, don't you?
...
Were they kind people, Shuuya? Your mother, your mom, your sister...
Were they people you want to always remember?
no subject
Yes.
[ To that second question. He absolutely does not want to forget any of them, even if he subconsciously rubs the scars on the back of his hands when he pulls away after writing. ]
no subject
Could I help you remember?
Just until we make it out of this place, and you can make whatever choices you need to make, and get that chance you deserve.
no subject
[ His fist tighten around his crayon, because his entire being is a reminder, isn't it? Everything that he is, is because of these people in his life. ]
In this place, we can't forget.
Right?
[ And then later they have the monster convo and Hikaru brings up the monster eating their memories and he will be "hm" ]
no subject
deeply, deeply pains.
At least she still has her name. She still has something left of a story, with the details falling out. It was something.
...
But she slowly nods.]
Just in case, I guess.
I think it's the easiest way to remember people, that's all. To tell others about what made them so special. It makes them a bigger memory than just what's in your own head, cause people can see how those special memories turned you into you, too.
...
That's what I think, anyway.