[Her name earns a full-body flinch, Hikaru's eyes unfocused for a moment.
But she nods.]
...Yes.
[Her voice is... surprisingly even, her hands staying still in her lap.]
I... don't remember why. Why she asked me to do any of that. But I didn't know until then, how long she'd been feeling such horrible things. I don't think anyone truly knew.
[Something about it makes something twist inside his chest. To put three young girls into a situation like that, to....to help kill yourself...]
Hikaru. [His voice sounds neutral, but its as if there's an effort to keeping it that way.] You should have never been put in that position. It isn't your fault.
[Another flinch. His mouth opens and it's the familiar sound of static.]
Please don't say that, Hansa-san.
[Her voice doesn't raise in the slightest.]
Even if I didn't ask for it... even if my intentions had always been good, regardless of whether or not I should have been there... it doesn't change that I was there, and that it happened... that she died by my hands.
I owe Princess Emeraude more than that, to just... pretend I didn't have a part in it. All I can do is take care of what she left behind in her pain.
[What Emeraude was, after all, is what she will be stepping into herself if she ever leaves.]
I'm not saying you should pretend it didn't happen. Of course it happened. Of course you did it. But...you can still be upset that you were essentially forced into that position.
[Its a certain form of cruelty, to be told one thing and then have it be swept away t reveal something else entirely.]
She'll quietly reach to put a hand against his arm.]
All I can do is keep moving, Hansa-san.
Even I don't have anyone who knows what I felt... [Because she'd been alone. She'd done that on her own, hadn't she?] ... I still have to keep going, or I'll never be able to understand why it couldn't have been different. I'll... never understand why her heart was filled with hatred, if I don't keep looking for answers.
I don't want anyone to suffer the same way she suffered.
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heartablaze) wrote2020-09-09 11:59 pm
no subject
But she nods.]
...Yes.
[Her voice is... surprisingly even, her hands staying still in her lap.]
I... don't remember why. Why she asked me to do any of that. But I didn't know until then, how long she'd been feeling such horrible things. I don't think anyone truly knew.
no subject
[Something about it makes something twist inside his chest. To put three young girls into a situation like that, to....to help kill yourself...]
Hikaru. [His voice sounds neutral, but its as if there's an effort to keeping it that way.] You should have never been put in that position. It isn't your fault.
no subject
Please don't say that, Hansa-san.
[Her voice doesn't raise in the slightest.]
Even if I didn't ask for it... even if my intentions had always been good, regardless of whether or not I should have been there... it doesn't change that I was there, and that it happened... that she died by my hands.
I owe Princess Emeraude more than that, to just... pretend I didn't have a part in it. All I can do is take care of what she left behind in her pain.
[What Emeraude was, after all, is what she will be stepping into herself if she ever leaves.]
no subject
[Its a certain form of cruelty, to be told one thing and then have it be swept away t reveal something else entirely.]
...You've been through so much.
no subject
She'll quietly reach to put a hand against his arm.]
All I can do is keep moving, Hansa-san.
Even I don't have anyone who knows what I felt... [Because she'd been alone. She'd done that on her own, hadn't she?] ... I still have to keep going, or I'll never be able to understand why it couldn't have been different. I'll... never understand why her heart was filled with hatred, if I don't keep looking for answers.
I don't want anyone to suffer the same way she suffered.