[Her expression wavers - a widening of the eyes, quivering of the jaw, signs that she desperately tries to keep from turning into full-blown tears again.]
There's so many happy things that I'd miss, but... I know I would find more. That's the good part about life, is that you can make more happy memories. But...
It's not the happy things I worry about forgetting...
[She stares back down at her hands for a moment.]
You look really well for being old, Chijin-san... I guess that makes sense, though. Clef is like that too.
I understand. [ heavens, doesn't he. ] Even still, if you need someone to hold the things that matter, painful or not, I am happy to help you shoulder your load.
[ at her question, xie lian gives her a little bigger smile, lighter. ] That's very kind of you. Is Clef a friend of yours?
points at that icon and cries in Yin Yu Knowledge ANYWAY 1/3
[Her tone is more controlled when she starts back up, though she's clearly some mix between shamed and embarrassed by her outburst. Clef, for the moment, is forgotten.]
I... don't want you, or anyone else, to be alone with even more burdens than you have to, even if you're okay with it. I want you to feel you can talk with me, too. I know I haven't experienced as much, but...
I don't want someone so kind to be alone.
hmmmmm!! wonder what that could mean for xie lian!
[ oh! the outburst startles him a little, too, and he blinks at hikaru, for a moment stunned...
and then lets out a laugh. what a sweet young lady. it doesn't sound remotely mean, just fond. ] I see, I see...! That's very kind of you, Miss Hikaru. I'll keep that in mind, alright? If I need help, you will be the first person that I talk to!
[ ... ] Well - the second. I can think of someone who may be quite offended were I to not find him, first.
[ hua chan... the way she says that is kind of cute. another name for san lang. ]
Mm. You know him as Hua Cheng. [ it's so odd to call him that! xie lian smiles a little in spite of himself. ] But to me, he is San Lang. He's my traveling companion. He's been speaking with you - what do you think of him?
[It's not a name for her, that much she can understand. But it's still cute to hear such a different term for a man that insisted to be called by -chan.]
Mm... He's really confident, and a little nosy, like he's curious and not afraid to ask things. But the way he speaks makes me think he knows a lot. And he's a lot gentler than her looks, especially when he speaks from his heart.
[ good!! good! xie lian has not seen san lang get along with... really, well, anyone. maybe his retainer? but he's like his employee.... so to hear hikaru talking about hua cheng in this way delights him. he knows san lang much in the way that hikaru is describing him, after all. confident, powerful, smart... and kind, too. ]
I think you've got a very good read on him, Miss Hikaru. Will you tell me a little about your brother?
[She nods, more than happy to share something nice despite what weighs down on her heart.]
I have three older brothers. Satoru is the oldest - he's nineteen and helps our mom run our family's dojo since our dad left. He's really strict sometimes and kind of quiet, but he always makes sure we're taken care of and knows what to say to help me when I have a problem. He does a lot of the cooking and helps me when I need extra practice with kendo, and he never, ever judges me for what I choose to say or keep to myself... but he encourages me to follow my decisions through to the end, no matter what I choose.
That's the part that Hua-chan reminds me of the most, I think.
San Lang can certainly be very encouraging. [ xie lian is so pleased right now. he's happy to learn a bit about his new young friend's life, and also! compliments for hua cheng! who is xie lian's favorite person in the entire universe! ] He has done much of the same for me.
[ there's a pause, and then xie lian smiles. ] I wouldn't say he's quiet or strict, though. If you can believe it, he is very cheeky - the cheekiest person I think I've ever met.
[NODDING!!!! VERY MUCH!!!] Yeah, that part is totally different from my brother. I don't think he's strict, either. I think someone might think he looks a little scary with his eyepatch, but he doesn't talk like a scary person.
He sounds like someone you definitely wouldn't want to forget, Chijin-san.
[ somewhere yin yu is like "no hes very scary please be scared"
but xie lian, who is an idiot and also the object of his affections, does not have this issue!!! so. ]
En, he is. [ and that makes his look soften, a bit more fond. ] We have not been friends very long, but San Lang is very dear to me. In that sense, I'm glad that he is here - I think, even if we were to feel as though we were complete strangers, we would be able to become friends, again just by encountering each other.
[ he hopes, anyway. ] At least, I certainly hope so.
[Any subtlety to deeper affections is lost to her - Hikaru is, at heart, a very simple girl. But fondness is something she knows well, even platonically, and it makes her heart warm to see his face look so pleased when talking about a special person.]
I'm really glad.
If you ever forget him, Chijin-san, I'll make sure to tell you how good it was to see you smile when you talked about him. Maybe you can find your way back.
You know I mentioned my friend Clef, right? He looks a lot younger than me, but he's really, really old? That's not normal where I'm from.
He's from a place called Cefiro. It's not where I live, but it's a place I've been brought to a couple times now. A whole different world, kind of... kind of like the Realm.
The first time I went there, I... thought I was doing something really important. That I was gonna be a hero, like you hear about in stories. There was a lot we had to do, but if we did it right... we were gonna rescue the princess and get to go home. [Sounds familiar. Even just talking about it makes her stomach tighten.]
The princess... she was the Pillar, so she was really important to Cefiro, and everyone thought she'd been kidnapped... her priest, Zagato, he didn't even hide it, and he fought back at us and a lot of other people in Cefiro to keep us from her, a-and...
[Her voice wavers, eyes brimming with moisture despite herself.]
I... didn't question anything. I didn't think of why anyone would do that. All I did was see us as good, and him as bad, and thought about how much I wanted to go home, and how brave I felt being a hero, and...
[The knot in her throat cuts her off, fists clenched so tight that she can feel her nails digging into her palms.]
Edited (condensed it a tiny bit gomen) 2020-10-02 17:38 (UTC)
this is the second time now that xie lian's felt a familiar sense of empathy with this young lady - a deep feeling of worry and loss. there are some parts of her story that he's not sure he understands (what a pillar is, for instance), but the meaning of it is not at all lost on him.
he's quiet, when he speaks, listening carefully to her story. as hikaru finishes, he reaches out - and gently, places his calloused hand on top of her tightly curled fist. xie lian's voice is gentle and quiet, not judgmental - only filled with the soft vulnerability that comes with empathy. ]
...Let me ask you something, Miss Hikaru: did this just happen when you awoke in this place, or has it been some time, since?
[Her fist trembles under his touch, fighting the urge to cry again. This already kept her up so many nights, making everyone around her worry... but she'd long given up on getting used to it. She didn't want to.
Her voice is quiet when she responds.]
It was almost a year ago.
I... I got to go back before I woke up here, but because of what we did... Cefiro's falling apart now. It needs a Pillar to stay together, and...
...
We're... I'm... the reason it doesn't have one anymore.
[ feeling her hand tremble under his aches, too. hikaru is so small, and so young. she has had the entire world on her shoulders, it seems, and not for the first time, he's reminded of a younger version of himself, who had been so unbelievably sure that he had done the right thing, who always wanted to do the right thing - even when it continued to go so, so wrong.
he gives that small hand a squeeze, and then shifts to kneel down in front of her to negate some of their height difference. if hikaru will let him, xie lian very gently starts to try and pry her fingers out of that tight fist as he talks, in a gentle, calm voice. ]
...sometimes, no matter how badly we want to do the right thing, we don't always have sight of what the right thing is. Our perspectives can feel narrow, especially when you're in a situation that feels desperate, and you want to make sure that you find the best case scenario, where the least amount of people are hurt. We all think, "if I could just go back", or "if I had known better" as we look to such events with hindsight - but ultimately, there is no changing the things that have already happened.
[ this advice comes from somewhere personal, for xie lian - his xian le and the entire world on his shoulders, the people of yong'an, the refugees, the guoshi stir in the back of his mind, old and never once forgotten. even so, he keeps his gaze on hikaru's small hands, his touch exceedingly gentle and careful. ]
What you did in the past, unknowingly or otherwise, is not what makes you the person that you are, but rather... what you do after, is what matters. As you grow and change, it is important not to forget the loss in its entirety--not just the pain and the consequences, but the lessons that you have learned from the aftermath, too.
How you approach it, how you try to fix it... these are things it sounds like you still may yet be able to do, when we finish in the Realm. The world here seems only to have taken a brief pause. [ tilting his head up to look at her properly, xie lian pats her hand, a small, warm smile on his face that's all sincere. ]
I would be happy to hold onto this memory for you, Miss Hikaru, so that you do not lose sight of something so important. It would be an honor.
[She holds her composure as best as she can until the bitter end, tears rolling down her face as she grips weakly againt his gentle hold.]
Please.... please, please don't let me forget... I... I had to kill a princess, and the man she loved, with my own hands... All they wanted was to just be together, and be able to love, in a world that wouldn't let them... and now...
[She shakes her head, over and over.]
I can't forget. I can't let something like that ever happen again. I don't want to fight without knowing. I don't want someone to have to suffer when they only want to be with a loved one...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
You... would do that?
[Her expression wavers - a widening of the eyes, quivering of the jaw, signs that she desperately tries to keep from turning into full-blown tears again.]
There's so many happy things that I'd miss, but... I know I would find more. That's the good part about life, is that you can make more happy memories. But...
It's not the happy things I worry about forgetting...
[She stares back down at her hands for a moment.]
You look really well for being old, Chijin-san... I guess that makes sense, though. Clef is like that too.
no subject
[ at her question, xie lian gives her a little bigger smile, lighter. ] That's very kind of you. Is Clef a friend of yours?
points at that icon and cries in Yin Yu Knowledge ANYWAY 1/3
I... I want to do that for you too, Chijin!!
no subject
Oops. She starts for a second, slapping her hand over her mouth.]
/3 there we go
[Her tone is more controlled when she starts back up, though she's clearly some mix between shamed and embarrassed by her outburst. Clef, for the moment, is forgotten.]
I... don't want you, or anyone else, to be alone with even more burdens than you have to, even if you're okay with it. I want you to feel you can talk with me, too. I know I haven't experienced as much, but...
I don't want someone so kind to be alone.
hmmmmm!! wonder what that could mean for xie lian!
and then lets out a laugh. what a sweet young lady. it doesn't sound remotely mean, just fond. ] I see, I see...! That's very kind of you, Miss Hikaru. I'll keep that in mind, alright? If I need help, you will be the first person that I talk to!
[ ... ] Well - the second. I can think of someone who may be quite offended were I to not find him, first.
im upset and it's only week 0
[Parroted, obliviously.]
Is he a good friend of yours?
(:
You may have already met him! He is here with us.
no subject
[That's a lot of people, oof... but, hm, wait a minute... there's a couple people who had robes like Xie Lian...]
Is it Won-san?
Or, um, Hua-chan?
They both kind of wear the same clothes as you.
no subject
Mm. You know him as Hua Cheng. [ it's so odd to call him that! xie lian smiles a little in spite of himself. ] But to me, he is San Lang. He's my traveling companion. He's been speaking with you - what do you think of him?
[
he's nosy. ]
no subject
[It's not a name for her, that much she can understand. But it's still cute to hear such a different term for a man that insisted to be called by -chan.]
Mm... He's really confident, and a little nosy, like he's curious and not afraid to ask things. But the way he speaks makes me think he knows a lot. And he's a lot gentler than her looks, especially when he speaks from his heart.
He reminds me of my oldest brother, in that way.
no subject
I think you've got a very good read on him, Miss Hikaru. Will you tell me a little about your brother?
no subject
I have three older brothers. Satoru is the oldest - he's nineteen and helps our mom run our family's dojo since our dad left. He's really strict sometimes and kind of quiet, but he always makes sure we're taken care of and knows what to say to help me when I have a problem. He does a lot of the cooking and helps me when I need extra practice with kendo, and he never, ever judges me for what I choose to say or keep to myself... but he encourages me to follow my decisions through to the end, no matter what I choose.
That's the part that Hua-chan reminds me of the most, I think.
no subject
San Lang can certainly be very encouraging. [ xie lian is so pleased right now. he's happy to learn a bit about his new young friend's life, and also! compliments for hua cheng! who is xie lian's favorite person in the entire universe! ] He has done much of the same for me.
[ there's a pause, and then xie lian smiles. ] I wouldn't say he's quiet or strict, though. If you can believe it, he is very cheeky - the cheekiest person I think I've ever met.
no subject
He sounds like someone you definitely wouldn't want to forget, Chijin-san.
no subject
but xie lian, who is an idiot and also the object of his affections, does not have this issue!!! so. ]
En, he is. [ and that makes his look soften, a bit more fond. ] We have not been friends very long, but San Lang is very dear to me. In that sense, I'm glad that he is here - I think, even if we were to feel as though we were complete strangers, we would be able to become friends, again just by encountering each other.
[ he hopes, anyway. ] At least, I certainly hope so.
no subject
I'm really glad.
If you ever forget him, Chijin-san, I'll make sure to tell you how good it was to see you smile when you talked about him. Maybe you can find your way back.
no subject
[ that's so sweet of her. it's okay - san lang is simply a very, very dear friend. she's not off base at all. ]
no subject
[...
There's a pause, glancing back down at her hands as her mouth thins back to a neutral, serious expression.]
If I told you something that I can't forget, no matter what... could you remind me about it, Chijin-san? If something happens?
no subject
[ he nods!!!! ] What is it?
no subject
He's from a place called Cefiro. It's not where I live, but it's a place I've been brought to a couple times now. A whole different world, kind of... kind of like the Realm.
The first time I went there, I... thought I was doing something really important. That I was gonna be a hero, like you hear about in stories. There was a lot we had to do, but if we did it right... we were gonna rescue the princess and get to go home. [Sounds familiar. Even just talking about it makes her stomach tighten.]
The princess... she was the Pillar, so she was really important to Cefiro, and everyone thought she'd been kidnapped... her priest, Zagato, he didn't even hide it, and he fought back at us and a lot of other people in Cefiro to keep us from her, a-and...
[Her voice wavers, eyes brimming with moisture despite herself.]
I... didn't question anything. I didn't think of why anyone would do that. All I did was see us as good, and him as bad, and thought about how much I wanted to go home, and how brave I felt being a hero, and...
[The knot in her throat cuts her off, fists clenched so tight that she can feel her nails digging into her palms.]
no subject
this is the second time now that xie lian's felt a familiar sense of empathy with this young lady - a deep feeling of worry and loss. there are some parts of her story that he's not sure he understands (what a pillar is, for instance), but the meaning of it is not at all lost on him.
he's quiet, when he speaks, listening carefully to her story. as hikaru finishes, he reaches out - and gently, places his calloused hand on top of her tightly curled fist. xie lian's voice is gentle and quiet, not judgmental - only filled with the soft vulnerability that comes with empathy. ]
...Let me ask you something, Miss Hikaru: did this just happen when you awoke in this place, or has it been some time, since?
no subject
Her voice is quiet when she responds.]
It was almost a year ago.
I... I got to go back before I woke up here, but because of what we did... Cefiro's falling apart now. It needs a Pillar to stay together, and...
...
We're... I'm... the reason it doesn't have one anymore.
no subject
he gives that small hand a squeeze, and then shifts to kneel down in front of her to negate some of their height difference. if hikaru will let him, xie lian very gently starts to try and pry her fingers out of that tight fist as he talks, in a gentle, calm voice. ]
...sometimes, no matter how badly we want to do the right thing, we don't always have sight of what the right thing is. Our perspectives can feel narrow, especially when you're in a situation that feels desperate, and you want to make sure that you find the best case scenario, where the least amount of people are hurt. We all think, "if I could just go back", or "if I had known better" as we look to such events with hindsight - but ultimately, there is no changing the things that have already happened.
[ this advice comes from somewhere personal, for xie lian - his xian le and the entire world on his shoulders, the people of yong'an, the refugees, the guoshi stir in the back of his mind, old and never once forgotten. even so, he keeps his gaze on hikaru's small hands, his touch exceedingly gentle and careful. ]
What you did in the past, unknowingly or otherwise, is not what makes you the person that you are, but rather... what you do after, is what matters. As you grow and change, it is important not to forget the loss in its entirety--not just the pain and the consequences, but the lessons that you have learned from the aftermath, too.
How you approach it, how you try to fix it... these are things it sounds like you still may yet be able to do, when we finish in the Realm. The world here seems only to have taken a brief pause. [ tilting his head up to look at her properly, xie lian pats her hand, a small, warm smile on his face that's all sincere. ]
I would be happy to hold onto this memory for you, Miss Hikaru, so that you do not lose sight of something so important. It would be an honor.
no subject
[She holds her composure as best as she can until the bitter end, tears rolling down her face as she grips weakly againt his gentle hold.]
Please.... please, please don't let me forget... I... I had to kill a princess, and the man she loved, with my own hands... All they wanted was to just be together, and be able to love, in a world that wouldn't let them... and now...
[She shakes her head, over and over.]
I can't forget. I can't let something like that ever happen again. I don't want to fight without knowing. I don't want someone to have to suffer when they only want to be with a loved one...
I can't forget...
i cannot believe dreamwidth cucked you this hard i am so sorry
18 DAYS LATER IM IN SO MUCH PAIN
(no subject)