There's a short, broken whisper of a laugh hearing him say that. Almost relieved. Hurt. She feels stupid. Maybe she really is stupid. But something in what he says resonates, hurts in a way that she doesn't even know if he'll want to understand.]
Nothing matters unless you get results. That's what you said, right? [right?
She can feel her face going hot in an attempt not to cry again, though the smile on her face is so, so hard to read.]
I'll believe you however long it takes. I promised...
Be... be as honest as you can be, with your own heart and not... not with what I've done to you. We'll get results... you'll get your results. And no matter what, you'll get to fix things, Shuuya-kun...!
[ Kano being as honest as he can when his honesty is nonexistent, when his heart is twisted and ugly and he can't even stand to look at it. Maybe he's stupid too; maybe his stupidity comes from desperation, from being backed up against a wall and tomorrow... he will have one last chance to make a miracle happen and he will hang up all his hopes. ]
Even if it doesn't... even if everything goes wrong...
I'm going to find you. If you die and the Realm takes you away... I'm going to find you! Not to fight your battles for you, but...
Because I want to keep believing in Shuuya-kun, and want to see you smile. And you can't do that if this is where you have to say goodbye to everything!
[Even if all she can do is watch as he destroys himself... didn't it deserve to be something he could choose, after all this?]
[Wow the retcon in here. Wow he's gonna die regardless?? Red flags red flags.
She bites hard at her lip. Blood spills, but she spits it to the floor.]
No.
This isn't Earth. A lot of people are supposed to be dying. I'm supposed to be dying, Shuuya-kun.
If I can live, then so can you. And if I die... you can call me stupid for the rest of eternity, and I'll deserve every second of it. But I wanna do everything we can...
I'm not going to give up on finding how to fix this place, but... if I can find you out there, then I will! And if you don't want to come back, after all that...
[ Hikaru says fuck the universal rules of life and death. Kano would have been more inclined to agree with her if certain memories weren't yeeted, but he's making do with what he has.
Which is, gestures at execution. ]
Haha... You really are too much! You sure like chasing after the impossible, huh? Tell you what: if you can find me after I die, I'll follow.
[ He is hopeless and faithless but that just means he has nothing to lose. He lifts his hand too, pressing the side of his pinky against the barrier and letting it curl next to hers. ]
I promise. Let's see if you can find my true self, when I couldn't.
[It hurts, to keep seeing him smile like that. It hurts, to know she might never see anything else. But he's given her permission, despite everything she'd done...
...
She nods, her hands curling tighter, the taste of blood fresh and horrible in her mouth as she leans her weight into the barrier and keeps her face tucked down, so he doesn't have to watch her.
She won't say anything else. If her staying here near the barrier for even a few minutes longer can give him just a little more strength for tomorrow... maybe she can find the strength to watch it, despite the dread that settles down deep at his words.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Can't, won't, same thing. ]
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...]
I'm still going to believe in you, Shuuya-kun.
There's a lot I can ask of you, without... making you do any of that.
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... ]
Will you still believe in me? Tomorrow, when I...
[ you know, do the thing ]
You know I have my reasons for things, right? Even if I can't explain it, even if nobody can understand it.
[ He is very roundabout, very "the ends justifies the means," but his intentions lean towards good. Mostly. ]
I haven't given up on fixing everything, both here and back home, even if it has to happen after my death.
god this isnt the expression i want but its what youre getting
There's a short, broken whisper of a laugh hearing him say that. Almost relieved. Hurt. She feels stupid. Maybe she really is stupid. But something in what he says resonates, hurts in a way that she doesn't even know if he'll want to understand.]
Nothing matters unless you get results. That's what you said, right? [right?
She can feel her face going hot in an attempt not to cry again, though the smile on her face is so, so hard to read.]
I'll believe you however long it takes. I promised...
Be... be as honest as you can be, with your own heart and not... not with what I've done to you. We'll get results... you'll get your results. And no matter what, you'll get to fix things, Shuuya-kun...!
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...We'll see. I sure hope it works out.
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I'm going to find you. If you die and the Realm takes you away... I'm going to find you! Not to fight your battles for you, but...
Because I want to keep believing in Shuuya-kun, and want to see you smile. And you can't do that if this is where you have to say goodbye to everything!
[Even if all she can do is watch as he destroys himself... didn't it deserve to be something he could choose, after all this?]
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You won't find me. When I'm dead, that's it— even if tomorrow goes the way I plan. Your stupidity's gotta have some limits, Hikaru.
You won't ever see me again.
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She bites hard at her lip. Blood spills, but she spits it to the floor.]
No.
This isn't Earth. A lot of people are supposed to be dying. I'm supposed to be dying, Shuuya-kun.
If I can live, then so can you. And if I die... you can call me stupid for the rest of eternity, and I'll deserve every second of it. But I wanna do everything we can...
I'm not going to give up on finding how to fix this place, but... if I can find you out there, then I will! And if you don't want to come back, after all that...
[A swallow, her voice cracking.]
I'll let you go.
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Which is, gestures at execution. ]
Haha... You really are too much! You sure like chasing after the impossible, huh? Tell you what: if you can find me after I die, I'll follow.
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She lifts her fist higher against the barrier, enough to lift her pinky, even though it shakes. Her gaze is firm.]
Promise?
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I promise. Let's see if you can find my true self, when I couldn't.
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...
She nods, her hands curling tighter, the taste of blood fresh and horrible in her mouth as she leans her weight into the barrier and keeps her face tucked down, so he doesn't have to watch her.
She won't say anything else. If her staying here near the barrier for even a few minutes longer can give him just a little more strength for tomorrow... maybe she can find the strength to watch it, despite the dread that settles down deep at his words.]