[ It doesn't really make sense to him at all, that's true. Of the things he's forgotten- the things he's aware of having forgotten- it doesn't feel like he's lost a defining part of himself. Maybe it's because he didn't have that sort of sense to begin with. ]
...Does it matter that much to you? What's right or wrong, or what you should be doing? 'sides, I think you're noisy and pushy and suuuuuuuper annoying all the time, but other people say you're sweet and bright and strong and whatever. What your heart says and what people say are always gonna be different, 'cause we're all different.
It only matters because I... think I had a reason to do everything, when I first came here. I feel like I should have? [Her smile doesn't reach her eyes.] I just don't remember anymore. I don't remember anything outside... maybe a little less than a year, now, I guess? And even there, it's... really getting blurry. About what I ever did, why I did it, what I am even going back to when I go home...
[She exhales slowly. Her words are starting to sound a little affected, and it's written on her face. But she draws herself back up.]
Raven-san scolded me a couple weeks ago, and told me I needed to think about what it was that was really important to me. It... really hurt, at the time, because I couldn't remember most of who I was anymore. Maybe he figured it out by watching, and just wanted to warn me. I don't know.
I... don't think you're wrong. And I don't think he was wrong. I don't think other people are wrong, either. But... I don't remember enough to say one way or another. What was important to me over a month ago isn't important to me anymore. And that scares me, a little.
So I wish I had some sort of answer for you. I just don't, right now. All I can really follow is what my heart knows right this moment... which is that I've died, and I don't plan on staying this way, and that I want to make sure everyone else has a chance to come back with me.
[ "Think carefully on what's most important to you, and whether it's worth it." makes him look away guiltily, a little, but it was still worth saying. ]
Sorta like the leaders when they gave everything away, huh? No memories about their lives, nothing about their families, not even their own names and faces. But Goat enjoys being outside. Wolf is shy but is used to being around a lot of people. Rabbit likes strawberry ice cream, but has never had the baggie kind. You'll find those sorts of things too, and things won't be so dark anymore. It doesn't have to be important things?
[For the sake of not retconning later when Raven helps her spill the beans: congrats, she misses that look entirely.]
It doesn't. I know Goat-kun likes the cereal that taste like Oreo cookies, and he likes bread, and he can freeze things - he lost one of his powers from the Realm, but he's kept a bunch of them from home, even if he doesn't remember why he has them. He says that... what memories he does hold aren't good ones, and that he doesn't really think anyone should see them. But it doesn't change that he's such a kind person... and even when he didn't know anything, all he wanted was to help.
...
I have hope for him, and I have hope for myself, even if right now, it feels... bad. And I think, until we reach the end, it's going to keep feeling a little bit like this every day. Splintering... I think was the worst of it all. To feel myself losing what little I had left... but... even then... even before I was gonna die, and I couldn't even lift my own sword anymore, or recognize where I was, or what time it was, anyone I knew or had seen...
I still knew that... I liked to watch the sun rise, and to watch it set. I knew that happiness was something I wanted outside of myself. I knew it made me sad to hear somebody speak to me with an apology in their voice, and that even though I didn't recognize them, I still only wanted to understand them.
It... wasn't a lot. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard on it. But it was still something that felt like... like maybe I could still be something left of myself, no matter what. Even if all that's left is just a couple of feelings that I can't define anymore.
[ Ooh, yeah. Goat's got some real backstabby memories, Kano would bet they aren't much fun. But somebody who enjoys Oreo O's must have some bright spots in their life. ]
Hm... Say that last bit again, without all the "maybe"s.
Ehh... Living in doubt is really no good, you know? Even just a little bit, it's super tiresome! It's better if you just do what you want and think what you want, and face the consequences after.
[ It's a happier way to live. It's a way of coping, he knows, and he encourages it in others. All self-doubt does is bring you down, it's no good. ]
I promised myself I'd take those words Raven said to heart. That I'd think about what I wanted, and what it was doing to others' feelings for me to pursue that.
I can't have both, Shuuya. And doubting what you know isn't a bad thing, I don't think. People learn and get inspired to act because they need to make up their minds.
Doubt's only bad if you can't use it to learn, or if you let it eat you up. That's what I think, anyway.
[ There must be some middle ground between "fuck what other people think" and "hey, consider people's feelings, maybe" but Kano hasn't found it yet, still wanting the best of both worlds. ]
Or, like, it gets so overwhelming you gotta run away to the woods and hide so people don't see you being a crybaby?
Haha! Is that why? Look at you, goin' on about wanting to take the time away to compose yourself or whatever! But you're really just embarrassed~ Wow! Haha, how embarrassing~
[ And maybe she hates people treating her like a kid. But also, crying is embarrassing. ]
[Ugh... she scrunches in on herself a little more, letting herself slump to the ground with her arms still wrapped against herself. The dog's ears are flipped back as its eyes avert from Kano.]
I don't like seeing how people look at me when they think I'm gonna cry. I know they just care, but I don't... I don't like it. Being a burden all the time.
[ It sure sucks being a crybaby and a burden all the time, and he can remember just how hard he and his siblings worked on that, when they all used to be such crybabies who would start wailing at the drop of a hat. His brother grew up to be a fine young man able to take things in stride without getting upset. His sister... punches whoever makes her cry, which is 100% of the time Kano.
As for him, he got good at hiding, and good at smiling. ]
I got just the thing for that~ But we gotta sneak out of the trees for a bit. Be out in public! Think you can handle it, or are you gonna keep on crying?
[She just gives him a look, one of cautious suspicion through how red she is, an intense desire to trust combatting with the fact that he'd plastered another one of those smiles on his face.]
I'll... be okay. [She doesn't look it, at all. But her voice is steady.] What did you wanna do?
[ He has to take a moment and seriously contemplate on whether he wants to extend hand holding rights to anybody else besides Cater.
But, in the end, he takes it, scarred hand in scarred hand and pulling her off towards the town in with the confident stride of somebody who knows where he's going, but also the constant glancing around of somebody who does not. He hasn't been out here before, okay, there is just a general idea of where he wants to go. ]
[Her grip stays firm, but submissive, letting him take the lead without letting him go completely. It's... strange, almost, to have his hand in hers and not to have to fight for it.]
Has it been like this out here the whole time you've been here? With the castles and the forest?
[ Kano has a wet noodle grip, selfishly forcing Hikaru to hold on for as long as she wants to, but liable to slip away otherwise. He definitely isn't somebody used to hand holding, or knowing how hard to squeeze is too hard and so he doesn't. ]
Yep, sure was! Kinda obvious, isn't it? Like, the one place back there that was always there, but we could never reach it?
[You are incredibly lucky that she hasn't actually looked around the house in this thread because she'll straight up believe this until she sees what the living are doing. Congrats.
She will hold, then! She is too much of a tomboy to lace their fingers together so he is safe from that much commitment. As long as he isn't actively pulling away from her, she keeps her grip right where it is, content.]
Do you just never leave that big white house all that much? You look like you're... [lost.] --looking for something.
[ He hates leaving home; he would happily lock himself in his bedroom and lie around and do nothing all day, that really is the ideal. But there is no such rest being dead. ]
I sure am looking for something, though! Coulda sworn it was on main street. Let me know if you spot the jailhouse?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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...Does it matter that much to you? What's right or wrong, or what you should be doing? 'sides, I think you're noisy and pushy and suuuuuuuper annoying all the time, but other people say you're sweet and bright and strong and whatever. What your heart says and what people say are always gonna be different, 'cause we're all different.
[ So do what you want! fuck the system! ]
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[She exhales slowly. Her words are starting to sound a little affected, and it's written on her face. But she draws herself back up.]
Raven-san scolded me a couple weeks ago, and told me I needed to think about what it was that was really important to me. It... really hurt, at the time, because I couldn't remember most of who I was anymore. Maybe he figured it out by watching, and just wanted to warn me. I don't know.
I... don't think you're wrong. And I don't think he was wrong. I don't think other people are wrong, either. But... I don't remember enough to say one way or another. What was important to me over a month ago isn't important to me anymore. And that scares me, a little.
So I wish I had some sort of answer for you. I just don't, right now. All I can really follow is what my heart knows right this moment... which is that I've died, and I don't plan on staying this way, and that I want to make sure everyone else has a chance to come back with me.
Everything else is... dark.
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Sorta like the leaders when they gave everything away, huh? No memories about their lives, nothing about their families, not even their own names and faces. But Goat enjoys being outside. Wolf is shy but is used to being around a lot of people. Rabbit likes strawberry ice cream, but has never had the baggie kind. You'll find those sorts of things too, and things won't be so dark anymore. It doesn't have to be important things?
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It doesn't. I know Goat-kun likes the cereal that taste like Oreo cookies, and he likes bread, and he can freeze things - he lost one of his powers from the Realm, but he's kept a bunch of them from home, even if he doesn't remember why he has them. He says that... what memories he does hold aren't good ones, and that he doesn't really think anyone should see them. But it doesn't change that he's such a kind person... and even when he didn't know anything, all he wanted was to help.
...
I have hope for him, and I have hope for myself, even if right now, it feels... bad. And I think, until we reach the end, it's going to keep feeling a little bit like this every day. Splintering... I think was the worst of it all. To feel myself losing what little I had left... but... even then... even before I was gonna die, and I couldn't even lift my own sword anymore, or recognize where I was, or what time it was, anyone I knew or had seen...
I still knew that... I liked to watch the sun rise, and to watch it set. I knew that happiness was something I wanted outside of myself. I knew it made me sad to hear somebody speak to me with an apology in their voice, and that even though I didn't recognize them, I still only wanted to understand them.
It... wasn't a lot. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard on it. But it was still something that felt like... like maybe I could still be something left of myself, no matter what. Even if all that's left is just a couple of feelings that I can't define anymore.
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Hm... Say that last bit again, without all the "maybe"s.
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Um... [/jeopardy music since she has to recall what exactly she said???
...]
I, uh...
I felt like... I could still be something, no matter what. Even if all that was left was just a couple of feelings.
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[ Maybe this will also help her stop forgetting literally everything? memory exercises ]
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She just. stares at him for a moment, her expression softening just a little.]
Are...you trying to make me feel better, or something?
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[ Wow! How dare she imply anything of the sort ]
You already put a lot of thought into this sorta stuff, right? So, like, you don't need those maybes.
[ Kano is all about cutting out frivolous filler words, don't you know... ]
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Her mouth quirks up a little, but she folds her hands in front of her, shaking her head.]
The last time I told myself what I felt was absolute, I made a bad mistake and got somebody I really liked in trouble.
I'd rather address my feelings as something that can be changed. It doesn't mean they will. It doesn't mean I won't have hope.
But there's a lot I don't know, especially about something like... being emptied of everything you are. All I can do is guess.
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[ It's a happier way to live. It's a way of coping, he knows, and he encourages it in others. All self-doubt does is bring you down, it's no good. ]
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I promised myself I'd take those words Raven said to heart. That I'd think about what I wanted, and what it was doing to others' feelings for me to pursue that.
I can't have both, Shuuya. And doubting what you know isn't a bad thing, I don't think. People learn and get inspired to act because they need to make up their minds.
Doubt's only bad if you can't use it to learn, or if you let it eat you up. That's what I think, anyway.
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Or, like, it gets so overwhelming you gotta run away to the woods and hide so people don't see you being a crybaby?
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She goes red almost instantly, crossing her arms tight.]
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[ And maybe she hates people treating her like a kid. But also, crying is embarrassing. ]
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[Ugh... she scrunches in on herself a little more, letting herself slump to the ground with her arms still wrapped against herself. The dog's ears are flipped back as its eyes avert from Kano.]
I don't like seeing how people look at me when they think I'm gonna cry. I know they just care, but I don't... I don't like it. Being a burden all the time.
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As for him, he got good at hiding, and good at smiling. ]
I got just the thing for that~ But we gotta sneak out of the trees for a bit. Be out in public! Think you can handle it, or are you gonna keep on crying?
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I'll... be okay. [She doesn't look it, at all. But her voice is steady.] What did you wanna do?
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Secret~ It's no fun if you know everything beforehand- it ruins the surprise! Now, are we going or not?
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She looks down at her lap, before her expression grows firm, nodding ...
...and holding out that same scarred hand for him to take.]
Show me, then?
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But, in the end, he takes it, scarred hand in scarred hand and pulling her off towards the town in with the confident stride of somebody who knows where he's going, but also the constant glancing around of somebody who does not. He hasn't been out here before, okay, there is just a general idea of where he wants to go. ]
me going WEHHH into the microphone
Has it been like this out here the whole time you've been here? With the castles and the forest?
the microphone wehs back
Yep, sure was! Kinda obvious, isn't it? Like, the one place back there that was always there, but we could never reach it?
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She will hold, then! She is too much of a tomboy to lace their fingers together so he is safe from that much commitment. As long as he isn't actively pulling away from her, she keeps her grip right where it is, content.]
Do you just never leave that big white house all that much? You look like you're... [lost.] --looking for something.
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[ He hates leaving home; he would happily lock himself in his bedroom and lie around and do nothing all day, that really is the ideal. But there is no such rest being dead. ]
I sure am looking for something, though! Coulda sworn it was on main street. Let me know if you spot the jailhouse?
(no subject)