[ If he's ever died this way, he doesn't remember! A blessing that is, too, because it's something he never wants to feel, drawing back away from Hikaru immediately and sitting down hard enough to make everything hurt, though it's overwhelmingly his shoulder that's on fire, white hot and feeling like his entire body is disintegrating with the way his nerves fire and splutter and spread.
And then the pain becomes ice cold, numbness and drowning— it's the feeling of dying, and it feels just the same as it did ten years ago, as he curls in on himself and squeezes his eyes shut and stares hard at the darkness behind his eyelids. ]
[It's not unfamiliar, entirely. She remembers this, remembers the shock of it like it was yesterday, and the pain still nearly knocks her flat. Ten seconds seems like an eternity.
She's panting for breath by the time the pain subsides, tears in her eyes as she shakily crawls back over to him, dropping her forehead on his shoulder as adrenaline makes her body run cold.]
[ HIKARU WAS OBVIOUSLY IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN FROM A SMALL LITTLE SHOULDER POKE WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD SHE COME OVER TO KANO WHERE HE COULD SO EASILY BUMP HER SHOULDER ON ACCIDENT AGAIN WHY IS THIS!!!!! ]
Kano can't move for fear of bumping that shoulder again, and he barely nods because what if that slight motion sets it off too? He can't shove her away?? What if a poorly timed charades accidentally brushes her shoulder.
[ He nods, because he sure did feel it- doesn't question it, because something very similar happened the very first week he was here, when it was just him and Cater and Sharon and touching each other made them feel what the others were feeling, not in their bodies but in their hearts. Sadness, loneliness, hope too.
Nothing good comes out of this one, though.
He points at his neck and points at Hikaru and shakes his head. Maybe let's not do the sewing thing, actually. ]
[ Why is she getting attacked by dogs!! Having experienced worse doesn't make experiencing other sorts of pain any better, and Kano knows this from experience even though he has to shake his head about this too.
We've arrived at writing phrases now instead of words: "not again" "first time"
He doesn't remember it happening in the first place, after all. How could it have? Nobody could survive that, and he had arrived here alive and well. ]
[ He doesn't really want to talk about it, mostly because he can't charades this and writing out word by word on Hikaru's hand will be such a pain. So, paper and crayon. ]
They're all things that happened to us. Just because I don't remember doesn't mean it didn't happen. We all forget things. Important things. This must be the last thing that happened.
She can't argue against it, even though the thought of him going home to just have his head ripped from his body makes her face feel hot and nauseous with how much the thought hurts.]
Do you know why? Even with what you have to do for the world... why would you have to die so horribly?
Is it part of what you said before? With the dragon, and the gods?
[ He shrugs, though the answer is on the tip of his tongue- like it's always been on the tip of his tongue ready to be spat out in scorn every time he and his brother sit down to talk about this very thing. ]
God must hate us.
[ Kano is not doing anything for the world. It's always just been him and his family and nobody else- they're all he's able to hold onto, and still they slip through his fingers one by one. ]
[Her hands tighten into fists. It's not enough of an answer, but she gets an idea between those four words and the way his eyes grow dead.]
Why you? What did you ever do to any god that made them think that you needed to suffer for the rest of your life? All you wanted was to live when you had it taken away from you, right? And you gave up so much to do it...
What kind of god is that, that would allow something so cruel?
What sort of God is not cruel? Look at the state of the world. Look at what's going on here.
[ There can only be a cruel God, who would allow His children to live such an existence as Kano's. He was born into suffering, and every day there is suffering. He has done nothing except be born, and maybe that's enough. ]
...I don't know the state of your world, Shuuya. All I know is Cefiro, and that's... that's falling apart in a way only I can fix right now, because the Creator decided it just had to be that way.
[Which she sounds a little bitter about, but, not the point.]
It doesn't change that you don't deserve it. Even if we want to help and tear down this place and make things right, none of us deserve this.
It makes me wish that maybe there weren't a Creator, or a God, or anything, if they can't show any kind of mercy. What kind of life could you even live without it?
[ Both their creators suck, but the sounds of it. He feels like such a child, sometimes, scorning God just because he isn't getting his way, but then he feels justified in it. All he ever asks of God is to let him and his family be happy for once, and his prayers go unanswered. ]
A life where everything is controlled isn't a life.
Whether it's by a cruel god or another person or by something that you can't even explain... it's not a life if it can't be yours. It would be nicer, if people could just talk things out, but... if people are complicated, then whatever made them... is it any better or worse?
...
Is that how your life is, Shuuya? Just being controlled by those gods you hate?
[ Things are complicated and sometimes can't be talked out, especially when whatever made them is something very simple, with very simple wants, and that goes against everything you stand for. ]
I guess.
[ If by god she means a snake demon who is set on ruining his life and those of every person in his family. Then yeah. ]
This is the first time he's actually asked her something like that, and she has to take a second, as though she expects him to throw some sort of joke or insult with the question. But no, he just looks tired, dead, the face of a boy too incredibly sad.
...
Her hands fold in her lap, wringing together as her words come carefully.]
It's hard to say. I don't remember a lot anymore. Maybe, um... a year, maybe a little more... that's all I have left. [She just taps her head for emphasis. The Realm's been ripping her apart, and she wishes she weren't so vividly aware.]
My life before was just being a Magic Knight. It was making a lot of choices to protect a world I really I cared about, but for prices I didn't really understand until it was too late. And I had to deal with the consequences of that.
Now... I guess it depends what I still remember if I go home, but... [Her hands drift against the fading scars against her neck, the ones that mirror the scars all over her hands, her limbs, a ghost of something horrible.]
I might die, I suppose. Or I might not, but... have to bear the burden of it, by being the Pillar. I know what I'd like, but... I don't know what will truly happen.
[ A year of memories... Though, a lot happens in a year. Look at everything that happened in this past month. And back home, where everything got kicked into motion in the span of two or three days... ]
As a Knight, who are you sworn to protect? The world? The world's turned its back. Why can't you?
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And then the pain becomes ice cold, numbness and drowning— it's the feeling of dying, and it feels just the same as it did ten years ago, as he curls in on himself and squeezes his eyes shut and stares hard at the darkness behind his eyelids. ]
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She's panting for breath by the time the pain subsides, tears in her eyes as she shakily crawls back over to him, dropping her forehead on his shoulder as adrenaline makes her body run cold.]
Don't... d-don't do that a-again... please...
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we are going to sit like this in pain for a bit]
...
A-are you okay?
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Kano can't move for fear of bumping that shoulder again, and he barely nods because what if that slight motion sets it off too? He can't shove her away?? What if a poorly timed charades accidentally brushes her shoulder.
We are statues for the rest of this thread. ]
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Shuuya...?
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There is paper scattered on the floor all around them, but, no. ]
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She draws her legs in a little despite the blood on the floor, keeping herself nudged against him while handing him her right hand.]
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You didn't know that was gonna happen. It's okay. [She's still trembling quite a bit because adrenaline is a bitch, but she knows it will fade.]
Are you sure you're alright? You felt it too, didn't you?
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Nothing good comes out of this one, though.
He points at his neck and points at Hikaru and shakes his head. Maybe let's not do the sewing thing, actually. ]
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I... You're sure?
I don't mind, Shuuya. I've had my neck bit through by a dog before, and been torn apart, so... I...
[She swallows thickly.]
If I can help you, I don't mind what I have to feel... but I don't want you to live through that again, either.
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We've arrived at writing phrases now instead of words: "not again" "first time"
He doesn't remember it happening in the first place, after all. How could it have? Nobody could survive that, and he had arrived here alive and well. ]
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But you still called it your fate. You looked so sure.
[It's an invitation to talk, but one he can easily dismiss.]
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They're all things that happened to us.
Just because I don't remember doesn't mean it didn't happen.
We all forget things. Important things.
This must be the last thing that happened.
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She can't argue against it, even though the thought of him going home to just have his head ripped from his body makes her face feel hot and nauseous with how much the thought hurts.]
Do you know why? Even with what you have to do for the world... why would you have to die so horribly?
Is it part of what you said before? With the dragon, and the gods?
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God must hate us.
[ Kano is not doing anything for the world. It's always just been him and his family and nobody else- they're all he's able to hold onto, and still they slip through his fingers one by one. ]
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Why you? What did you ever do to any god that made them think that you needed to suffer for the rest of your life? All you wanted was to live when you had it taken away from you, right? And you gave up so much to do it...
What kind of god is that, that would allow something so cruel?
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Look at the state of the world.
Look at what's going on here.
[ There can only be a cruel God, who would allow His children to live such an existence as Kano's. He was born into suffering, and every day there is suffering. He has done nothing except be born, and maybe that's enough. ]
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[Which she sounds a little bitter about, but, not the point.]
It doesn't change that you don't deserve it. Even if we want to help and tear down this place and make things right, none of us deserve this.
It makes me wish that maybe there weren't a Creator, or a God, or anything, if they can't show any kind of mercy. What kind of life could you even live without it?
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A life where everything is controlled isn't a life.
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Whether it's by a cruel god or another person or by something that you can't even explain... it's not a life if it can't be yours. It would be nicer, if people could just talk things out, but... if people are complicated, then whatever made them... is it any better or worse?
...
Is that how your life is, Shuuya? Just being controlled by those gods you hate?
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I guess.
[ If by god she means a snake demon who is set on ruining his life and those of every person in his family. Then yeah. ]
What about yours?
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This is the first time he's actually asked her something like that, and she has to take a second, as though she expects him to throw some sort of joke or insult with the question. But no, he just looks tired, dead, the face of a boy too incredibly sad.
...
Her hands fold in her lap, wringing together as her words come carefully.]
It's hard to say. I don't remember a lot anymore. Maybe, um... a year, maybe a little more... that's all I have left. [She just taps her head for emphasis. The Realm's been ripping her apart, and she wishes she weren't so vividly aware.]
My life before was just being a Magic Knight. It was making a lot of choices to protect a world I really I cared about, but for prices I didn't really understand until it was too late. And I had to deal with the consequences of that.
Now... I guess it depends what I still remember if I go home, but... [Her hands drift against the fading scars against her neck, the ones that mirror the scars all over her hands, her limbs, a ghost of something horrible.]
I might die, I suppose. Or I might not, but... have to bear the burden of it, by being the Pillar. I know what I'd like, but... I don't know what will truly happen.
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As a Knight, who are you sworn to protect? The world?
The world's turned its back.
Why can't you?
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