...It has to, right? It wouldn't take all of us if it's not what it needed. And I trust Wolf, and I want to trust we'll learn what to do. But...
[Her hands wring tighter, lips thinning.]
They said we might lose memories, right? Wolf said that everything will fall apart without Nova, and that's what memories are made of, but... you can't just put more water in a bowl and expect its leaks to stop, you know?
If we can't know what's wrong with the Realm, then... what happens to everyone here if we don't find a fix?
[ solemnly, xie lian considers that thought. ] ...I think you and I know the answer to that question.
[ he glances down at his hands, turning his palms over briefly to look at the callouses at his palms, at the missing red string from his finger. ] ...but... at least for myself, I want to take that as a reason why we have to figure it out quicker. Not just for myself - the memories of an old man are not so consequential - but for all of the people here, and for all of the people who don't know this is happening at all.
I can't let fear of loss be a reason not to wade forward into the darkness, for them.
[It's a good answer, and one that makes her feel warm. But with it just comes that familiar tightening in her chest, flickering back to watching out the castle windows as Cefiro shook around them.]
No... we can't. None of them deserve this. For them to have to watch everything come apart because we can't fight for them... that's not something we can allow. No matter how much we have to give.
I just...
[The worry and hurt spreads across her face almost instantly.]
[ oh, hikaru. xie lian's quiet for a moment, his heart squeezing for the young lady beside him. she is so young, and certainly doesn't deserve to handle such a terrible thing. for not the first time, he too questions the choices of this 'realm', but for now, he keeps it to himself. ]
...you know, Miss Hikaru, I am quite old. [ xie lian says this with a quiet, wise amusement, turning to look at her. ] For all of the life that I've lived, I have experienced many things - and I have forgotten many things, too. It's impossible not to, but over the years, I've done my best to hold onto little things that have kept me happy. The taste of a fresh mantou, or the air after a spring rain...things like that. Perhaps I cannot always hold onto every fact, or every detail, but that sensation always remains, and eventually, I can find my way back to the thing I may have lost. I have never found those things to be gone forever.
[ xie lian offers her a small smile. ] We have the fortune to not be in this situation on our own. Perhaps we can hold onto each other's memories, lest that we forget them. I may be no expert, but I would be happy to help you, if I could.
[Her expression wavers - a widening of the eyes, quivering of the jaw, signs that she desperately tries to keep from turning into full-blown tears again.]
There's so many happy things that I'd miss, but... I know I would find more. That's the good part about life, is that you can make more happy memories. But...
It's not the happy things I worry about forgetting...
[She stares back down at her hands for a moment.]
You look really well for being old, Chijin-san... I guess that makes sense, though. Clef is like that too.
I understand. [ heavens, doesn't he. ] Even still, if you need someone to hold the things that matter, painful or not, I am happy to help you shoulder your load.
[ at her question, xie lian gives her a little bigger smile, lighter. ] That's very kind of you. Is Clef a friend of yours?
points at that icon and cries in Yin Yu Knowledge ANYWAY 1/3
[Her tone is more controlled when she starts back up, though she's clearly some mix between shamed and embarrassed by her outburst. Clef, for the moment, is forgotten.]
I... don't want you, or anyone else, to be alone with even more burdens than you have to, even if you're okay with it. I want you to feel you can talk with me, too. I know I haven't experienced as much, but...
I don't want someone so kind to be alone.
hmmmmm!! wonder what that could mean for xie lian!
[ oh! the outburst startles him a little, too, and he blinks at hikaru, for a moment stunned...
and then lets out a laugh. what a sweet young lady. it doesn't sound remotely mean, just fond. ] I see, I see...! That's very kind of you, Miss Hikaru. I'll keep that in mind, alright? If I need help, you will be the first person that I talk to!
[ ... ] Well - the second. I can think of someone who may be quite offended were I to not find him, first.
[ hua chan... the way she says that is kind of cute. another name for san lang. ]
Mm. You know him as Hua Cheng. [ it's so odd to call him that! xie lian smiles a little in spite of himself. ] But to me, he is San Lang. He's my traveling companion. He's been speaking with you - what do you think of him?
[It's not a name for her, that much she can understand. But it's still cute to hear such a different term for a man that insisted to be called by -chan.]
Mm... He's really confident, and a little nosy, like he's curious and not afraid to ask things. But the way he speaks makes me think he knows a lot. And he's a lot gentler than her looks, especially when he speaks from his heart.
[ good!! good! xie lian has not seen san lang get along with... really, well, anyone. maybe his retainer? but he's like his employee.... so to hear hikaru talking about hua cheng in this way delights him. he knows san lang much in the way that hikaru is describing him, after all. confident, powerful, smart... and kind, too. ]
I think you've got a very good read on him, Miss Hikaru. Will you tell me a little about your brother?
[She nods, more than happy to share something nice despite what weighs down on her heart.]
I have three older brothers. Satoru is the oldest - he's nineteen and helps our mom run our family's dojo since our dad left. He's really strict sometimes and kind of quiet, but he always makes sure we're taken care of and knows what to say to help me when I have a problem. He does a lot of the cooking and helps me when I need extra practice with kendo, and he never, ever judges me for what I choose to say or keep to myself... but he encourages me to follow my decisions through to the end, no matter what I choose.
That's the part that Hua-chan reminds me of the most, I think.
San Lang can certainly be very encouraging. [ xie lian is so pleased right now. he's happy to learn a bit about his new young friend's life, and also! compliments for hua cheng! who is xie lian's favorite person in the entire universe! ] He has done much of the same for me.
[ there's a pause, and then xie lian smiles. ] I wouldn't say he's quiet or strict, though. If you can believe it, he is very cheeky - the cheekiest person I think I've ever met.
[NODDING!!!! VERY MUCH!!!] Yeah, that part is totally different from my brother. I don't think he's strict, either. I think someone might think he looks a little scary with his eyepatch, but he doesn't talk like a scary person.
He sounds like someone you definitely wouldn't want to forget, Chijin-san.
[ somewhere yin yu is like "no hes very scary please be scared"
but xie lian, who is an idiot and also the object of his affections, does not have this issue!!! so. ]
En, he is. [ and that makes his look soften, a bit more fond. ] We have not been friends very long, but San Lang is very dear to me. In that sense, I'm glad that he is here - I think, even if we were to feel as though we were complete strangers, we would be able to become friends, again just by encountering each other.
[ he hopes, anyway. ] At least, I certainly hope so.
[Any subtlety to deeper affections is lost to her - Hikaru is, at heart, a very simple girl. But fondness is something she knows well, even platonically, and it makes her heart warm to see his face look so pleased when talking about a special person.]
I'm really glad.
If you ever forget him, Chijin-san, I'll make sure to tell you how good it was to see you smile when you talked about him. Maybe you can find your way back.
You know I mentioned my friend Clef, right? He looks a lot younger than me, but he's really, really old? That's not normal where I'm from.
He's from a place called Cefiro. It's not where I live, but it's a place I've been brought to a couple times now. A whole different world, kind of... kind of like the Realm.
The first time I went there, I... thought I was doing something really important. That I was gonna be a hero, like you hear about in stories. There was a lot we had to do, but if we did it right... we were gonna rescue the princess and get to go home. [Sounds familiar. Even just talking about it makes her stomach tighten.]
The princess... she was the Pillar, so she was really important to Cefiro, and everyone thought she'd been kidnapped... her priest, Zagato, he didn't even hide it, and he fought back at us and a lot of other people in Cefiro to keep us from her, a-and...
[Her voice wavers, eyes brimming with moisture despite herself.]
I... didn't question anything. I didn't think of why anyone would do that. All I did was see us as good, and him as bad, and thought about how much I wanted to go home, and how brave I felt being a hero, and...
[The knot in her throat cuts her off, fists clenched so tight that she can feel her nails digging into her palms.]
Edited (condensed it a tiny bit gomen) 2020-10-02 17:38 (UTC)
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no subject
[Her hands wring tighter, lips thinning.]
They said we might lose memories, right? Wolf said that everything will fall apart without Nova, and that's what memories are made of, but... you can't just put more water in a bowl and expect its leaks to stop, you know?
If we can't know what's wrong with the Realm, then... what happens to everyone here if we don't find a fix?
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[ he glances down at his hands, turning his palms over briefly to look at the callouses at his palms, at the missing red string from his finger. ] ...but... at least for myself, I want to take that as a reason why we have to figure it out quicker. Not just for myself - the memories of an old man are not so consequential - but for all of the people here, and for all of the people who don't know this is happening at all.
I can't let fear of loss be a reason not to wade forward into the darkness, for them.
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No... we can't. None of them deserve this. For them to have to watch everything come apart because we can't fight for them... that's not something we can allow. No matter how much we have to give.
I just...
[The worry and hurt spreads across her face almost instantly.]
...Some things are too important to forget.
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...you know, Miss Hikaru, I am quite old. [ xie lian says this with a quiet, wise amusement, turning to look at her. ] For all of the life that I've lived, I have experienced many things - and I have forgotten many things, too. It's impossible not to, but over the years, I've done my best to hold onto little things that have kept me happy. The taste of a fresh mantou, or the air after a spring rain...things like that. Perhaps I cannot always hold onto every fact, or every detail, but that sensation always remains, and eventually, I can find my way back to the thing I may have lost. I have never found those things to be gone forever.
[ xie lian offers her a small smile. ] We have the fortune to not be in this situation on our own. Perhaps we can hold onto each other's memories, lest that we forget them. I may be no expert, but I would be happy to help you, if I could.
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You... would do that?
[Her expression wavers - a widening of the eyes, quivering of the jaw, signs that she desperately tries to keep from turning into full-blown tears again.]
There's so many happy things that I'd miss, but... I know I would find more. That's the good part about life, is that you can make more happy memories. But...
It's not the happy things I worry about forgetting...
[She stares back down at her hands for a moment.]
You look really well for being old, Chijin-san... I guess that makes sense, though. Clef is like that too.
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[ at her question, xie lian gives her a little bigger smile, lighter. ] That's very kind of you. Is Clef a friend of yours?
points at that icon and cries in Yin Yu Knowledge ANYWAY 1/3
I... I want to do that for you too, Chijin!!
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Oops. She starts for a second, slapping her hand over her mouth.]
/3 there we go
[Her tone is more controlled when she starts back up, though she's clearly some mix between shamed and embarrassed by her outburst. Clef, for the moment, is forgotten.]
I... don't want you, or anyone else, to be alone with even more burdens than you have to, even if you're okay with it. I want you to feel you can talk with me, too. I know I haven't experienced as much, but...
I don't want someone so kind to be alone.
hmmmmm!! wonder what that could mean for xie lian!
and then lets out a laugh. what a sweet young lady. it doesn't sound remotely mean, just fond. ] I see, I see...! That's very kind of you, Miss Hikaru. I'll keep that in mind, alright? If I need help, you will be the first person that I talk to!
[ ... ] Well - the second. I can think of someone who may be quite offended were I to not find him, first.
im upset and it's only week 0
[Parroted, obliviously.]
Is he a good friend of yours?
(:
You may have already met him! He is here with us.
no subject
[That's a lot of people, oof... but, hm, wait a minute... there's a couple people who had robes like Xie Lian...]
Is it Won-san?
Or, um, Hua-chan?
They both kind of wear the same clothes as you.
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Mm. You know him as Hua Cheng. [ it's so odd to call him that! xie lian smiles a little in spite of himself. ] But to me, he is San Lang. He's my traveling companion. He's been speaking with you - what do you think of him?
[
he's nosy. ]
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[It's not a name for her, that much she can understand. But it's still cute to hear such a different term for a man that insisted to be called by -chan.]
Mm... He's really confident, and a little nosy, like he's curious and not afraid to ask things. But the way he speaks makes me think he knows a lot. And he's a lot gentler than her looks, especially when he speaks from his heart.
He reminds me of my oldest brother, in that way.
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I think you've got a very good read on him, Miss Hikaru. Will you tell me a little about your brother?
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I have three older brothers. Satoru is the oldest - he's nineteen and helps our mom run our family's dojo since our dad left. He's really strict sometimes and kind of quiet, but he always makes sure we're taken care of and knows what to say to help me when I have a problem. He does a lot of the cooking and helps me when I need extra practice with kendo, and he never, ever judges me for what I choose to say or keep to myself... but he encourages me to follow my decisions through to the end, no matter what I choose.
That's the part that Hua-chan reminds me of the most, I think.
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San Lang can certainly be very encouraging. [ xie lian is so pleased right now. he's happy to learn a bit about his new young friend's life, and also! compliments for hua cheng! who is xie lian's favorite person in the entire universe! ] He has done much of the same for me.
[ there's a pause, and then xie lian smiles. ] I wouldn't say he's quiet or strict, though. If you can believe it, he is very cheeky - the cheekiest person I think I've ever met.
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He sounds like someone you definitely wouldn't want to forget, Chijin-san.
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but xie lian, who is an idiot and also the object of his affections, does not have this issue!!! so. ]
En, he is. [ and that makes his look soften, a bit more fond. ] We have not been friends very long, but San Lang is very dear to me. In that sense, I'm glad that he is here - I think, even if we were to feel as though we were complete strangers, we would be able to become friends, again just by encountering each other.
[ he hopes, anyway. ] At least, I certainly hope so.
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I'm really glad.
If you ever forget him, Chijin-san, I'll make sure to tell you how good it was to see you smile when you talked about him. Maybe you can find your way back.
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[ that's so sweet of her. it's okay - san lang is simply a very, very dear friend. she's not off base at all. ]
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[...
There's a pause, glancing back down at her hands as her mouth thins back to a neutral, serious expression.]
If I told you something that I can't forget, no matter what... could you remind me about it, Chijin-san? If something happens?
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[ he nods!!!! ] What is it?
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He's from a place called Cefiro. It's not where I live, but it's a place I've been brought to a couple times now. A whole different world, kind of... kind of like the Realm.
The first time I went there, I... thought I was doing something really important. That I was gonna be a hero, like you hear about in stories. There was a lot we had to do, but if we did it right... we were gonna rescue the princess and get to go home. [Sounds familiar. Even just talking about it makes her stomach tighten.]
The princess... she was the Pillar, so she was really important to Cefiro, and everyone thought she'd been kidnapped... her priest, Zagato, he didn't even hide it, and he fought back at us and a lot of other people in Cefiro to keep us from her, a-and...
[Her voice wavers, eyes brimming with moisture despite herself.]
I... didn't question anything. I didn't think of why anyone would do that. All I did was see us as good, and him as bad, and thought about how much I wanted to go home, and how brave I felt being a hero, and...
[The knot in her throat cuts her off, fists clenched so tight that she can feel her nails digging into her palms.]
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i cannot believe dreamwidth cucked you this hard i am so sorry
18 DAYS LATER IM IN SO MUCH PAIN
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