heartablaze | REDACTABLE

Says you. If you're gonna be proud than practical, life's gonna be real hard, you know?

[ Go ahead and cheat? It's part of the system, not going against it. ]

I'm earning it so you can trust that I'll keep my word, Nico-kun, not to make my life easier. If I give up and beg you to teach me, you'll just make fun of me for it and never ask me anything again. That's not what I want to happen.

If you wanna teach me, you can say so! But I'm gonna ask you for something else to do for your name. [She knows it already. She's seen it plenty of times. But that's not hers to use right now.]

[ I mean, yeah. He would do exactly that. ]

Ooh, we can do it like that? I can teach you the worm, and you can do another stupid thing, and we'll just keep going!

[ And she'll never learn his name!!! Please, she can't think Kano is as serious about this as she is. ]

[...That sour feeling just tightens.]

Do you think I'm stupid?

Yeah.

Why?

Do you want me to leave you alone that bad?

[ He just laughs, as if Hikaru has to ask that question. She just wants to hear it from him personally, and he isn't kind enough to indulge her. ]

Is stupid such a bad thing? Most people are! I am.

[Her fists tighten at her sides. The urge to go over and take him by the hand is strong, but even she has a feeling that might not go well.]

I told you, I don't think you're stupid, Nico-kun. Mean, maybe. But not stupid.

Is that hard to believe?

[ He might have to chop off his hand if she touches him. ]

Haha, you're so earnest, I don't doubt at all that you think that! Doesn't change the truth, though, does it?

...

You... really think that badly of yourself?

Nico-kun... you're meaner to yourself than you are to me.

I dunno, I'm pretty mean to you!

[ Could still be meaner. Definitely meaner to himself, though he doesn't think of it that way, laughing it off as he does and shaking his head. ]

But what's wrong with being dumb and weak and useless?

You are, and it's... it's not something I like... but at least I don't think of myself as dumb, or weak, or useless. Just hurt.

[cue the jaws music cause she's walking towards him]

Why do you think of yourself like that? You already showed me that you were really smart, and that you could listen, and that you did some really clever things. Why would you do that if you thought you were so horrible?

[ He hates that, every time somebody calls him clever or resourceful or thinks more of him than he does himself, because he knows what he shows people and he knows the truth. Hikaru steps forward and he steps back, tense. ]

What do you mean "why"? Does a cat think about why they're a cat? It's just what it is.

[It's like a game of red-light, green-light, Hikaru only gaining a little distance before freezing up again.

guess we're still yelling at each other from a distance minus a few feet or so]

You're not an animal, though! An animal doesn't have to think about those sorts of things.

But you're a person! And knowing your worth as a person is more important than anything else! Why else do you think I want to know your name?

[ Why does a person have to think about any of this stuff? It's never mattered- his worth, his lack of, it makes him try sometimes but that trying is brittle. ]

Isn't it just so you can be proud of yourself for winning this little game of ours?

[ It's that to him: a game. Where he makes the rules and controls the board and entertains himself watching Hikaru scurry around and figure things out. But in the end, it doesn't matter. ]

That has nothing to do with me.

[

congratulations she is running full sprint right towards him

and she is FAST]

[ no!!!!!

Kano whips around and bolts, but he is slow. ]

[yeah she's grabbing for his wrist the second that she's able]

Don't run away from me!

[ Where is his saw, this wrist has to go. ]

I can if I want to!! What do you want?!

[ Though, he does freeze in place the moment Hikaru touches him. ]

[She drags his wrist up

and hooks her pinky against his]

I'm not gonna give up on you.

I don't care if you think I'm stupid for wanting you to have a friend. I don't care if I have to hurt so you can feel you can trust me. But this isn't a game. And even if you think you're all these horrible things, that's something I have to decide if I agree with. Otherwise? You aren't. And I don't ever, ever say things that I don't mean.

I'm not going to do your dance for you if you want it to just be a game. I'm sorry. But I'm not going to leave you to be all by yourself, thinking the way you do, if all you can do is say cruel things about yourself and then run away.

I'm not giving up on you, Nico-kun. And someday, I will get your name.

I promise that.

[ A forced pinky promise shouldn't count, but he doesn't pull away— can't, with Hikaru touching him and every cell in his body screaming at him to leave. ]

Then stop being so stubborn and just read it. You think you gotta earn the right to knowing it or something? This is why you're stupid. It's just a name; don't make it out to more than it is. It's not important.

[ He's not important!! All this stupid amount of effort going into something like this, it's very much the opposite of earing any points from him. ]

I have read it. I've known what's marked on the PHS for over a week now.

[She knows this is Kano Shuuya.

His hand feels so warm in hers, even with how tense he is... but she'll lift her grip, taking his hand to rest between both of hers.]

It's just not mine to use yet. Okay? If it hadn't been important... you would have told me when we first met.

If none of this matters, then I want to learn what is important to you. I... want to know what it is you hate so bad that your smiles all hurt so much. Maybe then I'll know well enough that you can decide I'm not stupid anymore.

[ There's no way she can't not be stupid, with the way she is. Bright and earnest and soooo stubborn. His hand shifts in hers, not to hold back, but because like this, he can't make a fist. ]

...I think you already know, don't you? What's important to me? [ is there anything? ] What do I hate so bad? [ who? ]

[That this seems to be the expression that is the most open, the most horrifying, makes her heart clench tight.

kano is gonna probably drop dead in 5 seconds because, while she doesn't let go of that hand, hikaru does lace her fingers against it... but stops herself from hugging him, instead resting her forehead against his shoulder. Why? She's not sure. It feels like she should. Like this is better.]

I think I know.

But that's not something that's mine to say, either. Just like your name.

All I know for certain is that... something about you makes me really, really hurt. And I don't want you to hurt by yourself.

Not even people who say they are stupid, or weak, or useless deserve to be alone.

[ tfw default Kano is just deadeyes.

Also dead, inside, when Hikaru holds his hand and that weight and warmth drops down on his shoulder, burning and mortifying and he wants to shove her off onto the ground but he cannot move.

Like if he moves, something will shatter, and he doesn't dare.

Instead, he looks away, speaking to the empty space to his other side. ]

That's why I'm saying you're stupid. What's there to gain by hurting with me? Nothing at all.

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