[ Terrible idea!! It's impossible to make somebody feel a certain way, especially with somebody who is so deliberate with the way he expresses himself. ]
What's wrong with treating you like a kid, anyways? You're a kid. You're stupid, and you make a whole bunch of mistakes, but you learn and you get better. Isn't that fine?
[It hits a little bit of a nerve, but after how much they'd talked at trial, Hikaru knows better than to get offended.]
...Not when people treat me like there's things I haven't seen or done, just because I'm young or because I choose to think a certain way. I'm fine being who I am, but... I can't grow up and get any better if people won't give me the chance, and I have to be able to make that decision for myself.
...
Shuuya-kun... [Her face still twists a bit, still embarrassed, but he's going to die why is she hesitating...!!!] ...You're not much older than I am, right?
[ He doesn't really blame them for it, because little kids shouldn't have to see everything that they see. Kano's gotten a rough enough start that there's no helping it, but with others... ]
Like, a couple years. A lot can happen in that much time.
[ He's still older than you, Hikaru! He won't have the "you're a kid too" argument pointed back at him. ]
Mn. A lot can happen in just a couple weeks. A couple years is a lot of time. [She's not a fan of that argument so we won't have any of it in this wendy's.]
I meant more... do you know how it's like, to be talked to like that, even when you're older? Being treated like you don't know how things feel, just cause of how you look or how old you are, when that's not the case?
[ All the time. Look at him, Hikaru. He practically invites it, all the scolding and the lectures that he gets, when all he does is laugh and play it up. ]
I mean more like... like trying to hide you away from the idea of ever having to kill someone, even though you've done it before. Or of knowing what it might be like to be dying.
Mn. Adults do it here. I get why, because they can't read minds or anything, but...
[It still sucks? It still really sucks.
At the question, she just shakes her head.]
Nobody did.
I was brought into something like this place and told I was needed for something important, and I didn't know any better. I made a choice that made me think I was gonna be a hero... and instead, I killed multiple people with my own hands, not knowing who they really were or what they wanted, and only led to an entire world completely, literally, falling apart. All because I couldn't bother to learn for myself until I'd already gone too far.
I'm not gonna judge people for patting me on the head and shielding me from having to see death here... but it still makes me angry, because I already have enough blood on my hands for not keeping my eyes open.
[ I am so sorry that Kano listens to how much this is and his gut reaction is just "what a chuunibyou" HE COMES FROM A NORMAL WORLD WITH NORMAL THINGS ]
...you were really really stupid.
[ Like holy shit? Wow! ]
You can really only get better from here, and, like, people protect people who are important to them, right? It's not 'cause you're a kid that they want to shield you, it's 'cause you're important.
[ It's the same with him, that twist in his gut that makes him want to physically repel the words, but at things like protecting and importance. ]
Nnnnno. It'd be better if I weren't important to anybody here. Like, the only person who really tried today was Shiro, but, like, offering to take the blame for everything? That's the opposite of what I want.
[It makes her stomach crawl with guilt, if only because she had done so little simply for the fact that she trusted Kano was telling the truth as best as he could.]
...Is it because doing something like that just makes you seem like you can't take responsibility for your own choices?
[ Closes my eyes at how much of anything Kano ever said has truth in them. But maybe for somebody incapable of it, that was his best. ]
No?
[ He can't really say he takes responsibility for his actions all the time, but he's capable of it- there's nobody else who would pick up the slack, anyways. ]
Isn't it 'cause it's not his responsibility to bear? He's not involved at all. [ he's not Kano's dad!! even if, gestures at things, ]
It's sorta like that. It'd be better if you guys just stayed uninvolved.
[Her eyes soften. There's a lot more pauses happening now which means, congratulations, she is trying to use her uno braincell instead of friendshipping him fo death.]
That's kind of what I meant. Like... he was making something involving you his problem, and thinking he was doing something good, but it really was just... not. That's what I meant, about, um... "taking responsibility" from you.
It feels like you just want to do what you need to do, by yourself. That's it.
[god, but that smile makes her heart break, and the kneejerk panic flutters over her expression... but she'll exhale, letting her heart stop clenching so hard over what's important to her.
She can't lie for shit so her emotions can likely be read like a book, but like many thing, she's unaware.
There's a short, broken whisper of a laugh hearing him say that. Almost relieved. Hurt. She feels stupid. Maybe she really is stupid. But something in what he says resonates, hurts in a way that she doesn't even know if he'll want to understand.]
Nothing matters unless you get results. That's what you said, right? [right?
She can feel her face going hot in an attempt not to cry again, though the smile on her face is so, so hard to read.]
I'll believe you however long it takes. I promised...
Be... be as honest as you can be, with your own heart and not... not with what I've done to you. We'll get results... you'll get your results. And no matter what, you'll get to fix things, Shuuya-kun...!
[ Kano being as honest as he can when his honesty is nonexistent, when his heart is twisted and ugly and he can't even stand to look at it. Maybe he's stupid too; maybe his stupidity comes from desperation, from being backed up against a wall and tomorrow... he will have one last chance to make a miracle happen and he will hang up all his hopes. ]
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[ Terrible idea!! It's impossible to make somebody feel a certain way, especially with somebody who is so deliberate with the way he expresses himself. ]
What's wrong with treating you like a kid, anyways? You're a kid. You're stupid, and you make a whole bunch of mistakes, but you learn and you get better. Isn't that fine?
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...Not when people treat me like there's things I haven't seen or done, just because I'm young or because I choose to think a certain way. I'm fine being who I am, but... I can't grow up and get any better if people won't give me the chance, and I have to be able to make that decision for myself.
...
Shuuya-kun... [Her face still twists a bit, still embarrassed, but he's going to die why is she hesitating...!!!] ...You're not much older than I am, right?
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Like, a couple years. A lot can happen in that much time.
[ He's still older than you, Hikaru! He won't have the "you're a kid too" argument pointed back at him. ]
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I meant more... do you know how it's like, to be talked to like that, even when you're older? Being treated like you don't know how things feel, just cause of how you look or how old you are, when that's not the case?
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[ All the time. Look at him, Hikaru. He practically invites it, all the scolding and the lectures that he gets, when all he does is laugh and play it up. ]
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I mean more like... like trying to hide you away from the idea of ever having to kill someone, even though you've done it before. Or of knowing what it might be like to be dying.
...Stuff like that.
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Uh. No. That's the sorta thing good parents or responsible adults do for kids, right?
[ There was nobody to protect him from that sort of thing, but also, ]
Who made you kill?
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[It still sucks? It still really sucks.
At the question, she just shakes her head.]
Nobody did.
I was brought into something like this place and told I was needed for something important, and I didn't know any better. I made a choice that made me think I was gonna be a hero... and instead, I killed multiple people with my own hands, not knowing who they really were or what they wanted, and only led to an entire world completely, literally, falling apart. All because I couldn't bother to learn for myself until I'd already gone too far.
I'm not gonna judge people for patting me on the head and shielding me from having to see death here... but it still makes me angry, because I already have enough blood on my hands for not keeping my eyes open.
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[ I am so sorry that Kano listens to how much this is and his gut reaction is just "what a chuunibyou" HE COMES FROM A NORMAL WORLD WITH NORMAL THINGS ]
...you were really really stupid.
[ Like holy shit? Wow! ]
You can really only get better from here, and, like, people protect people who are important to them, right? It's not 'cause you're a kid that they want to shield you, it's 'cause you're important.
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Unlike the other times he's just outright called her a dumbass, this time she flinches visibly, curling up on herself for a bit.]
Yeah. I know.
[And she sounds like she wants to throw up about that so MOVING ON]
You know people could probably say the same thing for you, right?
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[ It's the same with him, that twist in his gut that makes him want to physically repel the words, but at things like protecting and importance. ]
Nnnnno. It'd be better if I weren't important to anybody here. Like, the only person who really tried today was Shiro, but, like, offering to take the blame for everything? That's the opposite of what I want.
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...Is it because doing something like that just makes you seem like you can't take responsibility for your own choices?
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No?
[ He can't really say he takes responsibility for his actions all the time, but he's capable of it- there's nobody else who would pick up the slack, anyways. ]
Isn't it 'cause it's not his responsibility to bear? He's not involved at all. [ he's not Kano's dad!! even if, gestures at things, ]
It's sorta like that. It'd be better if you guys just stayed uninvolved.
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That's kind of what I meant. Like... he was making something involving you his problem, and thinking he was doing something good, but it really was just... not. That's what I meant, about, um... "taking responsibility" from you.
It feels like you just want to do what you need to do, by yourself. That's it.
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[ gently links this here bc I had to look through all our threads twice to find it, can you believe it hasn't even been a week
His problems are his own! His pain is his own. He's not sharing /: ]
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[this week has lasted 84 years its fine i dont remember jack shit and this is why hikaru was a zombie for 5 days
Her hand drifts back to the barrier because touch compulsion is still a thing in this thread oops]
...You keep saying you have to do all this alone, Shuuya-kun. Not that you want to. You have to.
Will... something bad happen if you don't?
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He places a finger in front of his lips. ]
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She can't lie for shit so her emotions can likely be read like a book, but like many thing, she's unaware.
...]
You won't tell? Or you can't?
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Take a guess~
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Both. Even if you couldn't, I think you wouldn't anyway, you know? Not if that's the kind of look you give.
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[ Can't, won't, same thing. ]
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...]
I'm still going to believe in you, Shuuya-kun.
There's a lot I can ask of you, without... making you do any of that.
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... ]
Will you still believe in me? Tomorrow, when I...
[ you know, do the thing ]
You know I have my reasons for things, right? Even if I can't explain it, even if nobody can understand it.
[ He is very roundabout, very "the ends justifies the means," but his intentions lean towards good. Mostly. ]
I haven't given up on fixing everything, both here and back home, even if it has to happen after my death.
god this isnt the expression i want but its what youre getting
There's a short, broken whisper of a laugh hearing him say that. Almost relieved. Hurt. She feels stupid. Maybe she really is stupid. But something in what he says resonates, hurts in a way that she doesn't even know if he'll want to understand.]
Nothing matters unless you get results. That's what you said, right? [right?
She can feel her face going hot in an attempt not to cry again, though the smile on her face is so, so hard to read.]
I'll believe you however long it takes. I promised...
Be... be as honest as you can be, with your own heart and not... not with what I've done to you. We'll get results... you'll get your results. And no matter what, you'll get to fix things, Shuuya-kun...!
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...We'll see. I sure hope it works out.
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