Revenge isn't what I want. And people looking at me with sad eyes... they're already gonna be upset enough that I died. I don't intend to lie about it or anything, but... I don't want somebody doing something stupid on my behalf, you know?
[she is so tired]
I don't know who it was. I just... felt different, and it lasted the whole week. Everybody thought something was wrong with me, because I couldn't, um... react to anything, I guess. My emotions were still there. I saw a lot of things, a lot of memories, that I... I felt really angry about. Things that hurt or made me sad. And if people asked, I could sort of talk about it.
But I couldn't... I couldn't say anything, or do anything, with those feelings. It's like somebody took a pillow and smothered everything I actually felt, so all I could do was just be calm. I couldn't even tell them anything was wrong, because I didn't feel it was unusual...
[Her face tightens in very palatable, sour hurt.]
It felt... different, than the splintering. Chijin said once that there were roles with special abilities, things that worked different than an item.
But... all I could think about, in the couple moments I ever thought it might be wrong... all I could think about was you.
[ Him, huh? He knows why she thought of him, considering the last time they met and what came of it, but he can't help but laugh anyways, quiet, humorless, bitter. ]
You've never felt that way before? After everything you were forced to do? The emptiness, the disconnect...
[ The way you have to force yourself just to appear normal, so nobody notices and nobody knows. Little things like a smile or a frown. Knowing this is how you're supposed to feel and this is how you're supposed to act, but you can't feel and acting feels like acting.
He laughs because it's supposed to be funny. If somebody had done that to him, he wouldn't have felt any different at all. ]
At least it wore off, even if it took a whole week. You can yell and cry now, with nothing holding you back.
At least before, after I killed Emeraude, I still... felt something. I'd pretend I was okay, but people could usually tell I was pretending sometimes. I guess cause I wasn't very good at it. It just made me want to try harder, though, because I didn't wanna upset them. When everybody around you hurts, you don't want to make it worse just cause you feel depressed, you know? And I was a Knight. I couldn't let anybody see me like that.
This just... [She inhales firmly through her nose as her jaw shudders for a moment.] Watching everybody be concerned and angry, watching even the person who killed me look at me strangely because I didn't seem to care at all that I was gonna die, even though I was really, really angry and frightened...
[ He sure does know it, more than most. Smiling and laughing and pretending so nobody will see your hurt, so you don't bring anybody down with you when they have enough worries of their own. He knows how much it hurts to keep it all inside, unable to scream or cry even when the world crumbles beneath your feet. ]
Mm. It's terrible, isn't it? Going through the actions. The disconnect. The emptiness. [ There's nothing inside ]
Can you imagine the other way around? Suddenly being able to feel, the way the heart stirs and lifts and yearns? When you opened your eyes here, and all of that was behind you, weren't you a little bit relieved?
I... just wanted to throw up, if I were honest. [Her hands cling to the warmth of her chest, to where her heart still aches and burns.]
Even if I was relieved, even a little... I still remember everything that I had to experience, and all the ways people looked at me, and spoke to me, and all the things I wish I could have said, and I...
[Her hands clench harder, the skin underneath her shirt burning from the force.]
I'm... I'm glad to have it back, but... I hate that I had to lose so much of myself to begin with, and that I might never... I might never get to fix what I was forced to miss...
I will. I know I will, and you're not wrong at all. I just...
[Her hand travels to rub against the back of her neck.]
I'm sorry. I must not be making a lot of sense, huh... I just... have a lot I need to think about.
I've... forgotten a lot, Shuuya. A lot. And I don't want to have to choose between being scared for what I have left and just letting myself disappear without even trying.
Who I was will come back to me through the people I care about here, the stuff I've told them. That's who will remember who I was. Who I'm gonna be won't be just a memory, so long as I keep moving forward.
But who I am now... it can't be either of those things or my heart won't be able to take it. And it's hard, to find my path right now that doesn't rely on what little memory I have left, but...
Even if it takes time or doesn't leave me the same person as I was... my self will still grow back. Just like a lock of my hair, you know? I'm the one who needs to accept what it changes.
Right now, when the change is something that felt so cruel... I'm just having a hard time knowing how to feel, and what's right or wrong about it, when what my heart says and what the people around me say are all so different. I don't even know if I should cry.
[ It doesn't really make sense to him at all, that's true. Of the things he's forgotten- the things he's aware of having forgotten- it doesn't feel like he's lost a defining part of himself. Maybe it's because he didn't have that sort of sense to begin with. ]
...Does it matter that much to you? What's right or wrong, or what you should be doing? 'sides, I think you're noisy and pushy and suuuuuuuper annoying all the time, but other people say you're sweet and bright and strong and whatever. What your heart says and what people say are always gonna be different, 'cause we're all different.
It only matters because I... think I had a reason to do everything, when I first came here. I feel like I should have? [Her smile doesn't reach her eyes.] I just don't remember anymore. I don't remember anything outside... maybe a little less than a year, now, I guess? And even there, it's... really getting blurry. About what I ever did, why I did it, what I am even going back to when I go home...
[She exhales slowly. Her words are starting to sound a little affected, and it's written on her face. But she draws herself back up.]
Raven-san scolded me a couple weeks ago, and told me I needed to think about what it was that was really important to me. It... really hurt, at the time, because I couldn't remember most of who I was anymore. Maybe he figured it out by watching, and just wanted to warn me. I don't know.
I... don't think you're wrong. And I don't think he was wrong. I don't think other people are wrong, either. But... I don't remember enough to say one way or another. What was important to me over a month ago isn't important to me anymore. And that scares me, a little.
So I wish I had some sort of answer for you. I just don't, right now. All I can really follow is what my heart knows right this moment... which is that I've died, and I don't plan on staying this way, and that I want to make sure everyone else has a chance to come back with me.
[ "Think carefully on what's most important to you, and whether it's worth it." makes him look away guiltily, a little, but it was still worth saying. ]
Sorta like the leaders when they gave everything away, huh? No memories about their lives, nothing about their families, not even their own names and faces. But Goat enjoys being outside. Wolf is shy but is used to being around a lot of people. Rabbit likes strawberry ice cream, but has never had the baggie kind. You'll find those sorts of things too, and things won't be so dark anymore. It doesn't have to be important things?
[For the sake of not retconning later when Raven helps her spill the beans: congrats, she misses that look entirely.]
It doesn't. I know Goat-kun likes the cereal that taste like Oreo cookies, and he likes bread, and he can freeze things - he lost one of his powers from the Realm, but he's kept a bunch of them from home, even if he doesn't remember why he has them. He says that... what memories he does hold aren't good ones, and that he doesn't really think anyone should see them. But it doesn't change that he's such a kind person... and even when he didn't know anything, all he wanted was to help.
...
I have hope for him, and I have hope for myself, even if right now, it feels... bad. And I think, until we reach the end, it's going to keep feeling a little bit like this every day. Splintering... I think was the worst of it all. To feel myself losing what little I had left... but... even then... even before I was gonna die, and I couldn't even lift my own sword anymore, or recognize where I was, or what time it was, anyone I knew or had seen...
I still knew that... I liked to watch the sun rise, and to watch it set. I knew that happiness was something I wanted outside of myself. I knew it made me sad to hear somebody speak to me with an apology in their voice, and that even though I didn't recognize them, I still only wanted to understand them.
It... wasn't a lot. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard on it. But it was still something that felt like... like maybe I could still be something left of myself, no matter what. Even if all that's left is just a couple of feelings that I can't define anymore.
[ Ooh, yeah. Goat's got some real backstabby memories, Kano would bet they aren't much fun. But somebody who enjoys Oreo O's must have some bright spots in their life. ]
Hm... Say that last bit again, without all the "maybe"s.
Ehh... Living in doubt is really no good, you know? Even just a little bit, it's super tiresome! It's better if you just do what you want and think what you want, and face the consequences after.
[ It's a happier way to live. It's a way of coping, he knows, and he encourages it in others. All self-doubt does is bring you down, it's no good. ]
I promised myself I'd take those words Raven said to heart. That I'd think about what I wanted, and what it was doing to others' feelings for me to pursue that.
I can't have both, Shuuya. And doubting what you know isn't a bad thing, I don't think. People learn and get inspired to act because they need to make up their minds.
Doubt's only bad if you can't use it to learn, or if you let it eat you up. That's what I think, anyway.
[ There must be some middle ground between "fuck what other people think" and "hey, consider people's feelings, maybe" but Kano hasn't found it yet, still wanting the best of both worlds. ]
Or, like, it gets so overwhelming you gotta run away to the woods and hide so people don't see you being a crybaby?
Haha! Is that why? Look at you, goin' on about wanting to take the time away to compose yourself or whatever! But you're really just embarrassed~ Wow! Haha, how embarrassing~
[ And maybe she hates people treating her like a kid. But also, crying is embarrassing. ]
[Ugh... she scrunches in on herself a little more, letting herself slump to the ground with her arms still wrapped against herself. The dog's ears are flipped back as its eyes avert from Kano.]
I don't like seeing how people look at me when they think I'm gonna cry. I know they just care, but I don't... I don't like it. Being a burden all the time.
[ It sure sucks being a crybaby and a burden all the time, and he can remember just how hard he and his siblings worked on that, when they all used to be such crybabies who would start wailing at the drop of a hat. His brother grew up to be a fine young man able to take things in stride without getting upset. His sister... punches whoever makes her cry, which is 100% of the time Kano.
As for him, he got good at hiding, and good at smiling. ]
I got just the thing for that~ But we gotta sneak out of the trees for a bit. Be out in public! Think you can handle it, or are you gonna keep on crying?
[She just gives him a look, one of cautious suspicion through how red she is, an intense desire to trust combatting with the fact that he'd plastered another one of those smiles on his face.]
I'll... be okay. [She doesn't look it, at all. But her voice is steady.] What did you wanna do?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[she is so tired]
I don't know who it was. I just... felt different, and it lasted the whole week. Everybody thought something was wrong with me, because I couldn't, um... react to anything, I guess. My emotions were still there. I saw a lot of things, a lot of memories, that I... I felt really angry about. Things that hurt or made me sad. And if people asked, I could sort of talk about it.
But I couldn't... I couldn't say anything, or do anything, with those feelings. It's like somebody took a pillow and smothered everything I actually felt, so all I could do was just be calm. I couldn't even tell them anything was wrong, because I didn't feel it was unusual...
[Her face tightens in very palatable, sour hurt.]
It felt... different, than the splintering. Chijin said once that there were roles with special abilities, things that worked different than an item.
But... all I could think about, in the couple moments I ever thought it might be wrong... all I could think about was you.
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You've never felt that way before? After everything you were forced to do? The emptiness, the disconnect...
[ The way you have to force yourself just to appear normal, so nobody notices and nobody knows. Little things like a smile or a frown. Knowing this is how you're supposed to feel and this is how you're supposed to act, but you can't feel and acting feels like acting.
He laughs because it's supposed to be funny. If somebody had done that to him, he wouldn't have felt any different at all. ]
At least it wore off, even if it took a whole week. You can yell and cry now, with nothing holding you back.
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At least before, after I killed Emeraude, I still... felt something. I'd pretend I was okay, but people could usually tell I was pretending sometimes. I guess cause I wasn't very good at it. It just made me want to try harder, though, because I didn't wanna upset them. When everybody around you hurts, you don't want to make it worse just cause you feel depressed, you know? And I was a Knight. I couldn't let anybody see me like that.
This just... [She inhales firmly through her nose as her jaw shudders for a moment.] Watching everybody be concerned and angry, watching even the person who killed me look at me strangely because I didn't seem to care at all that I was gonna die, even though I was really, really angry and frightened...
I just felt trapped.
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Mm. It's terrible, isn't it? Going through the actions. The disconnect. The emptiness. [ There's nothing inside ]
Can you imagine the other way around? Suddenly being able to feel, the way the heart stirs and lifts and yearns? When you opened your eyes here, and all of that was behind you, weren't you a little bit relieved?
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I... just wanted to throw up, if I were honest. [Her hands cling to the warmth of her chest, to where her heart still aches and burns.]
Even if I was relieved, even a little... I still remember everything that I had to experience, and all the ways people looked at me, and spoke to me, and all the things I wish I could have said, and I...
[Her hands clench harder, the skin underneath her shirt burning from the force.]
I'm... I'm glad to have it back, but... I hate that I had to lose so much of myself to begin with, and that I might never... I might never get to fix what I was forced to miss...
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[ Throw up, cry, scream, she can do all these things now and she'll feel better for it and he doesn't get why she doesn't, when she's capable. ]
All those people who were worried about you, weren't you going to return to them too?
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[Her hand travels to rub against the back of her neck.]
I'm sorry. I must not be making a lot of sense, huh... I just... have a lot I need to think about.
I've... forgotten a lot, Shuuya. A lot. And I don't want to have to choose between being scared for what I have left and just letting myself disappear without even trying.
Who I was will come back to me through the people I care about here, the stuff I've told them. That's who will remember who I was. Who I'm gonna be won't be just a memory, so long as I keep moving forward.
But who I am now... it can't be either of those things or my heart won't be able to take it. And it's hard, to find my path right now that doesn't rely on what little memory I have left, but...
Even if it takes time or doesn't leave me the same person as I was... my self will still grow back. Just like a lock of my hair, you know? I'm the one who needs to accept what it changes.
Right now, when the change is something that felt so cruel... I'm just having a hard time knowing how to feel, and what's right or wrong about it, when what my heart says and what the people around me say are all so different. I don't even know if I should cry.
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...Does it matter that much to you? What's right or wrong, or what you should be doing? 'sides, I think you're noisy and pushy and suuuuuuuper annoying all the time, but other people say you're sweet and bright and strong and whatever. What your heart says and what people say are always gonna be different, 'cause we're all different.
[ So do what you want! fuck the system! ]
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[She exhales slowly. Her words are starting to sound a little affected, and it's written on her face. But she draws herself back up.]
Raven-san scolded me a couple weeks ago, and told me I needed to think about what it was that was really important to me. It... really hurt, at the time, because I couldn't remember most of who I was anymore. Maybe he figured it out by watching, and just wanted to warn me. I don't know.
I... don't think you're wrong. And I don't think he was wrong. I don't think other people are wrong, either. But... I don't remember enough to say one way or another. What was important to me over a month ago isn't important to me anymore. And that scares me, a little.
So I wish I had some sort of answer for you. I just don't, right now. All I can really follow is what my heart knows right this moment... which is that I've died, and I don't plan on staying this way, and that I want to make sure everyone else has a chance to come back with me.
Everything else is... dark.
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Sorta like the leaders when they gave everything away, huh? No memories about their lives, nothing about their families, not even their own names and faces. But Goat enjoys being outside. Wolf is shy but is used to being around a lot of people. Rabbit likes strawberry ice cream, but has never had the baggie kind. You'll find those sorts of things too, and things won't be so dark anymore. It doesn't have to be important things?
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It doesn't. I know Goat-kun likes the cereal that taste like Oreo cookies, and he likes bread, and he can freeze things - he lost one of his powers from the Realm, but he's kept a bunch of them from home, even if he doesn't remember why he has them. He says that... what memories he does hold aren't good ones, and that he doesn't really think anyone should see them. But it doesn't change that he's such a kind person... and even when he didn't know anything, all he wanted was to help.
...
I have hope for him, and I have hope for myself, even if right now, it feels... bad. And I think, until we reach the end, it's going to keep feeling a little bit like this every day. Splintering... I think was the worst of it all. To feel myself losing what little I had left... but... even then... even before I was gonna die, and I couldn't even lift my own sword anymore, or recognize where I was, or what time it was, anyone I knew or had seen...
I still knew that... I liked to watch the sun rise, and to watch it set. I knew that happiness was something I wanted outside of myself. I knew it made me sad to hear somebody speak to me with an apology in their voice, and that even though I didn't recognize them, I still only wanted to understand them.
It... wasn't a lot. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard on it. But it was still something that felt like... like maybe I could still be something left of myself, no matter what. Even if all that's left is just a couple of feelings that I can't define anymore.
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Hm... Say that last bit again, without all the "maybe"s.
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Um... [/jeopardy music since she has to recall what exactly she said???
...]
I, uh...
I felt like... I could still be something, no matter what. Even if all that was left was just a couple of feelings.
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[ Maybe this will also help her stop forgetting literally everything? memory exercises ]
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She just. stares at him for a moment, her expression softening just a little.]
Are...you trying to make me feel better, or something?
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[ Wow! How dare she imply anything of the sort ]
You already put a lot of thought into this sorta stuff, right? So, like, you don't need those maybes.
[ Kano is all about cutting out frivolous filler words, don't you know... ]
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Her mouth quirks up a little, but she folds her hands in front of her, shaking her head.]
The last time I told myself what I felt was absolute, I made a bad mistake and got somebody I really liked in trouble.
I'd rather address my feelings as something that can be changed. It doesn't mean they will. It doesn't mean I won't have hope.
But there's a lot I don't know, especially about something like... being emptied of everything you are. All I can do is guess.
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[ It's a happier way to live. It's a way of coping, he knows, and he encourages it in others. All self-doubt does is bring you down, it's no good. ]
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I promised myself I'd take those words Raven said to heart. That I'd think about what I wanted, and what it was doing to others' feelings for me to pursue that.
I can't have both, Shuuya. And doubting what you know isn't a bad thing, I don't think. People learn and get inspired to act because they need to make up their minds.
Doubt's only bad if you can't use it to learn, or if you let it eat you up. That's what I think, anyway.
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Or, like, it gets so overwhelming you gotta run away to the woods and hide so people don't see you being a crybaby?
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She goes red almost instantly, crossing her arms tight.]
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[ And maybe she hates people treating her like a kid. But also, crying is embarrassing. ]
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[Ugh... she scrunches in on herself a little more, letting herself slump to the ground with her arms still wrapped against herself. The dog's ears are flipped back as its eyes avert from Kano.]
I don't like seeing how people look at me when they think I'm gonna cry. I know they just care, but I don't... I don't like it. Being a burden all the time.
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As for him, he got good at hiding, and good at smiling. ]
I got just the thing for that~ But we gotta sneak out of the trees for a bit. Be out in public! Think you can handle it, or are you gonna keep on crying?
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I'll... be okay. [She doesn't look it, at all. But her voice is steady.] What did you wanna do?
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me going WEHHH into the microphone
the microphone wehs back
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