[ me, also staring into the sun, because he'd thought she just meant the holding onto his arm, trying to get him to give into the weekly effects and settle down a little- which he did and felt better but also disgusted with himself the entire time.
But "something," during trial, and there's this dawning realization muddied up with horror. ]
That was you! I—-
[ No!!! Of course he would hate it. Who wouldn't, being made to feel such a way they aren't supposed to. Nobody likes being controlled, but more than that... ]
How are you supposed to believe in me, if you felt like you needed to use that?
[ As if the only way he could get through trial is to have his arm twisted behind his back. As if people won't look at him, suddenly nice and polite, and not be suspicious. ]
I-I-I didn't think it would... [--make things so horrible? Terrify him? He isn't wrong - this demolishes any sense of trust, and it hurts.]
P-please, if you're gonna yell at anyone about anything that happened, you... you can yell at me! Or throw things at me or tell people whatever you want, I-I...
I saw all the evidence, and all you were doing was telling people off, and... I...
[...]
I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have, no matter what I thought it would help, I... I thought it would make it easier for you, but... your faces, they... they all... [A choking sound.] I- I just made you hurt...
S-so do whatever you want, call me stupid as many times as you gotta, just... don't take it out on anybody else...!
[ He bites down on his bottom lip, on a spot that was split a week before and now it splits anew and he can taste blood on his tongue, sharp and acrid and strangely comforting amongst the throb that comes with it. Pain on his lip distracts him from the hurt in his chest, at the many faces he can't decide on and he can't imagine what his expression must look like now.
Probably, a little like he wants to cry, even if he hasn't done so in almost ten years. ]
...Stuuuuuupid. [ and a few more times, for good measure ] Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why would I take it out on anybody?
[ He rarely yells at people, never raises a hand against them, the worst he's done is toss fruit and vegetables and water in varying containers at people, but usually in this wimpy underhand toss, because of reasons he's not a violent person, and doesn't portray himself as an angry one.
Even if he feels it! like right now! angry and sad and confused. ]
There are better ways of helping, you know? You could just be there. You don't have to do anything, but be.
[ Give him time, and space, and let him open up at his own pace. There are just some things you can't push people towards. ]
[I don't want to have to see someone cry for losing someone they love. I don't want to have to feel sorry for my choices ever again.
The same regrets bubble up in her chest like acid, forcing her mouth closed and her tears to start travelling down her face. But she ducks her head down, presses her fists against the barrier.
"Don't apologize", he'd said, so vibrantly and strange to someone else at trial. She's already said sorry so much as it is, and the word feels useless on her lips.
...]
I...
I can't just be who I am for your sake if you aren't here to watch me... to ask me things and tell me when I'm wrong... to call me stupid and pushy and stubborn...
[ He blinks, the name hitting foreign and deep and wrenching, wanting to say something about their promise or of deserving or all these stupid frivolous things that don't matter anymore, has never mattered in the first place. His hand bumps into the barrier and he blinks again, in surprise, brain slow to catch up on why he can't reach over there and pat Hikaru on the head— he never did that for her, and now he won't ever be able to.
The fist drops in his lap and he sits back, regarding the girl in front of him. ]
"Shuuya-kun" hasn't existed for a long time, you know? Not since... [ since everything went to hell and kept being hell, since he put on his mask and became just "Kano" ]
Do what you want. You know, from the beginning, it would've been easier if you just did what you want. Somebody like me, who nobody can trust, how can I trust anybody who would trust me over themselves?
[ Terrible idea!! It's impossible to make somebody feel a certain way, especially with somebody who is so deliberate with the way he expresses himself. ]
What's wrong with treating you like a kid, anyways? You're a kid. You're stupid, and you make a whole bunch of mistakes, but you learn and you get better. Isn't that fine?
[It hits a little bit of a nerve, but after how much they'd talked at trial, Hikaru knows better than to get offended.]
...Not when people treat me like there's things I haven't seen or done, just because I'm young or because I choose to think a certain way. I'm fine being who I am, but... I can't grow up and get any better if people won't give me the chance, and I have to be able to make that decision for myself.
...
Shuuya-kun... [Her face still twists a bit, still embarrassed, but he's going to die why is she hesitating...!!!] ...You're not much older than I am, right?
[ He doesn't really blame them for it, because little kids shouldn't have to see everything that they see. Kano's gotten a rough enough start that there's no helping it, but with others... ]
Like, a couple years. A lot can happen in that much time.
[ He's still older than you, Hikaru! He won't have the "you're a kid too" argument pointed back at him. ]
Mn. A lot can happen in just a couple weeks. A couple years is a lot of time. [She's not a fan of that argument so we won't have any of it in this wendy's.]
I meant more... do you know how it's like, to be talked to like that, even when you're older? Being treated like you don't know how things feel, just cause of how you look or how old you are, when that's not the case?
[ All the time. Look at him, Hikaru. He practically invites it, all the scolding and the lectures that he gets, when all he does is laugh and play it up. ]
I mean more like... like trying to hide you away from the idea of ever having to kill someone, even though you've done it before. Or of knowing what it might be like to be dying.
Mn. Adults do it here. I get why, because they can't read minds or anything, but...
[It still sucks? It still really sucks.
At the question, she just shakes her head.]
Nobody did.
I was brought into something like this place and told I was needed for something important, and I didn't know any better. I made a choice that made me think I was gonna be a hero... and instead, I killed multiple people with my own hands, not knowing who they really were or what they wanted, and only led to an entire world completely, literally, falling apart. All because I couldn't bother to learn for myself until I'd already gone too far.
I'm not gonna judge people for patting me on the head and shielding me from having to see death here... but it still makes me angry, because I already have enough blood on my hands for not keeping my eyes open.
[ I am so sorry that Kano listens to how much this is and his gut reaction is just "what a chuunibyou" HE COMES FROM A NORMAL WORLD WITH NORMAL THINGS ]
...you were really really stupid.
[ Like holy shit? Wow! ]
You can really only get better from here, and, like, people protect people who are important to them, right? It's not 'cause you're a kid that they want to shield you, it's 'cause you're important.
[ It's the same with him, that twist in his gut that makes him want to physically repel the words, but at things like protecting and importance. ]
Nnnnno. It'd be better if I weren't important to anybody here. Like, the only person who really tried today was Shiro, but, like, offering to take the blame for everything? That's the opposite of what I want.
[It makes her stomach crawl with guilt, if only because she had done so little simply for the fact that she trusted Kano was telling the truth as best as he could.]
...Is it because doing something like that just makes you seem like you can't take responsibility for your own choices?
[ Closes my eyes at how much of anything Kano ever said has truth in them. But maybe for somebody incapable of it, that was his best. ]
No?
[ He can't really say he takes responsibility for his actions all the time, but he's capable of it- there's nobody else who would pick up the slack, anyways. ]
Isn't it 'cause it's not his responsibility to bear? He's not involved at all. [ he's not Kano's dad!! even if, gestures at things, ]
It's sorta like that. It'd be better if you guys just stayed uninvolved.
[Her eyes soften. There's a lot more pauses happening now which means, congratulations, she is trying to use her uno braincell instead of friendshipping him fo death.]
That's kind of what I meant. Like... he was making something involving you his problem, and thinking he was doing something good, but it really was just... not. That's what I meant, about, um... "taking responsibility" from you.
It feels like you just want to do what you need to do, by yourself. That's it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Don't you think that you saying all these things about yourself... wouldn't the people you care about be happier knowing you were there with them?
...
I... knew you were going to try to be mean, with how you started talking to people... I... got really scared, and I didn't... I didn't want you to...
...
[Her throat locks up for a moment, swallowing hard.]
I... did something to you. During trial. I never thought of how you'd feel, but I...
If I hadn't, then... maybe people wouldn't have taken you seriously... maybe you would still b-be okay...
no subject
But "something," during trial, and there's this dawning realization muddied up with horror. ]
That was you! I—-
[ No!!! Of course he would hate it. Who wouldn't, being made to feel such a way they aren't supposed to. Nobody likes being controlled, but more than that... ]
How are you supposed to believe in me, if you felt like you needed to use that?
[ As if the only way he could get through trial is to have his arm twisted behind his back. As if people won't look at him, suddenly nice and polite, and not be suspicious. ]
no subject
P-please, if you're gonna yell at anyone about anything that happened, you... you can yell at me! Or throw things at me or tell people whatever you want, I-I...
I saw all the evidence, and all you were doing was telling people off, and... I...
[...]
I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have, no matter what I thought it would help, I... I thought it would make it easier for you, but... your faces, they... they all... [A choking sound.] I- I just made you hurt...
S-so do whatever you want, call me stupid as many times as you gotta, just... don't take it out on anybody else...!
no subject
Probably, a little like he wants to cry, even if he hasn't done so in almost ten years. ]
...Stuuuuuupid. [ and a few more times, for good measure ] Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why would I take it out on anybody?
[ He rarely yells at people, never raises a hand against them, the worst he's done is toss fruit and vegetables and water in varying containers at people, but usually in this wimpy underhand toss, because of reasons he's not a violent person, and doesn't portray himself as an angry one.
Even if he feels it! like right now! angry and sad and confused. ]
There are better ways of helping, you know? You could just be there. You don't have to do anything, but be.
[ Give him time, and space, and let him open up at his own pace. There are just some things you can't push people towards. ]
no subject
The same regrets bubble up in her chest like acid, forcing her mouth closed and her tears to start travelling down her face. But she ducks her head down, presses her fists against the barrier.
"Don't apologize", he'd said, so vibrantly and strange to someone else at trial. She's already said sorry so much as it is, and the word feels useless on her lips.
...]
I...
I can't just be who I am for your sake if you aren't here to watch me... to ask me things and tell me when I'm wrong... to call me stupid and pushy and stubborn...
[And, perhaps until this moment, "kind".]
I can't help Shuuya-kun if you're already gone!
no subject
The fist drops in his lap and he sits back, regarding the girl in front of him. ]
"Shuuya-kun" hasn't existed for a long time, you know? Not since... [ since everything went to hell and kept being hell, since he put on his mask and became just "Kano" ]
no subject
With an almost comical delay, even more so given the tears still on her face, her hand immediately slaps over her mouth.
Oops.]
no subject
laughs at her reaction ]
no subject
/////]
Do... you not want me to call you that?
I'm sorry, I... um...
no subject
Do what you want. You know, from the beginning, it would've been easier if you just did what you want. Somebody like me, who nobody can trust, how can I trust anybody who would trust me over themselves?
no subject
Can't it be both?
It's not like I don't trust myself, you know...? And I've always wanted to trust you. I just...
[This... feels wrong to say, given what he just spat at her, and her posture tightens.]
I... wanted to give you space, I guess. To have a reason to trust me and not treat me like I was a kid. You can't just ask somebody to do that.
Just... just like you shouldn't force people to feel things they don't want to feel.
Right?
no subject
[ Terrible idea!! It's impossible to make somebody feel a certain way, especially with somebody who is so deliberate with the way he expresses himself. ]
What's wrong with treating you like a kid, anyways? You're a kid. You're stupid, and you make a whole bunch of mistakes, but you learn and you get better. Isn't that fine?
no subject
...Not when people treat me like there's things I haven't seen or done, just because I'm young or because I choose to think a certain way. I'm fine being who I am, but... I can't grow up and get any better if people won't give me the chance, and I have to be able to make that decision for myself.
...
Shuuya-kun... [Her face still twists a bit, still embarrassed, but he's going to die why is she hesitating...!!!] ...You're not much older than I am, right?
no subject
Like, a couple years. A lot can happen in that much time.
[ He's still older than you, Hikaru! He won't have the "you're a kid too" argument pointed back at him. ]
no subject
I meant more... do you know how it's like, to be talked to like that, even when you're older? Being treated like you don't know how things feel, just cause of how you look or how old you are, when that's not the case?
no subject
[ All the time. Look at him, Hikaru. He practically invites it, all the scolding and the lectures that he gets, when all he does is laugh and play it up. ]
no subject
I mean more like... like trying to hide you away from the idea of ever having to kill someone, even though you've done it before. Or of knowing what it might be like to be dying.
...Stuff like that.
no subject
Uh. No. That's the sorta thing good parents or responsible adults do for kids, right?
[ There was nobody to protect him from that sort of thing, but also, ]
Who made you kill?
no subject
[It still sucks? It still really sucks.
At the question, she just shakes her head.]
Nobody did.
I was brought into something like this place and told I was needed for something important, and I didn't know any better. I made a choice that made me think I was gonna be a hero... and instead, I killed multiple people with my own hands, not knowing who they really were or what they wanted, and only led to an entire world completely, literally, falling apart. All because I couldn't bother to learn for myself until I'd already gone too far.
I'm not gonna judge people for patting me on the head and shielding me from having to see death here... but it still makes me angry, because I already have enough blood on my hands for not keeping my eyes open.
no subject
[ I am so sorry that Kano listens to how much this is and his gut reaction is just "what a chuunibyou" HE COMES FROM A NORMAL WORLD WITH NORMAL THINGS ]
...you were really really stupid.
[ Like holy shit? Wow! ]
You can really only get better from here, and, like, people protect people who are important to them, right? It's not 'cause you're a kid that they want to shield you, it's 'cause you're important.
no subject
Unlike the other times he's just outright called her a dumbass, this time she flinches visibly, curling up on herself for a bit.]
Yeah. I know.
[And she sounds like she wants to throw up about that so MOVING ON]
You know people could probably say the same thing for you, right?
no subject
[ It's the same with him, that twist in his gut that makes him want to physically repel the words, but at things like protecting and importance. ]
Nnnnno. It'd be better if I weren't important to anybody here. Like, the only person who really tried today was Shiro, but, like, offering to take the blame for everything? That's the opposite of what I want.
no subject
...Is it because doing something like that just makes you seem like you can't take responsibility for your own choices?
no subject
No?
[ He can't really say he takes responsibility for his actions all the time, but he's capable of it- there's nobody else who would pick up the slack, anyways. ]
Isn't it 'cause it's not his responsibility to bear? He's not involved at all. [ he's not Kano's dad!! even if, gestures at things, ]
It's sorta like that. It'd be better if you guys just stayed uninvolved.
no subject
That's kind of what I meant. Like... he was making something involving you his problem, and thinking he was doing something good, but it really was just... not. That's what I meant, about, um... "taking responsibility" from you.
It feels like you just want to do what you need to do, by yourself. That's it.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
god this isnt the expression i want but its what youre getting
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)