[ He's startled by the outburst, fully expecting to be yelled at by at least one person tonight but all of this... it shakes him, just a little, taking in less of her words and more the force behind them. The amount of feeling she is always brimming with but around him it always seems to overflow— and you don't get worked up over something to this extent if you don't care, if something isn't important.
Hikaru always does so much- is so much- and it's so stupid because he isn't worth any of it. That's the one truth he's always clung to, has to to avoid drowning in this sea of lies he grapples with every day. He's useless, unimportant, stupid, mean— a perfect scapegoat. Tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, everybody will forget and things will go back to normal. It will be better without him.
Their truths are incompatible, but at least his carries hope. ]
You're so stupid, [ he whispers ] It's not my responsibility to live up to whatever you think of me. I'm not a good person. I've done a lot of bad things. I can't... I can't explain anything. I can't talk about anything. Nothing good will come out of being friends with me. There's nothing inside.
[It hurts, to have a barrier between them, to have... something else, something unspoken, sour and horrible on her tongue and her mind, that she knows she has to speak once she has the chance.]
If there was nothing there, then you wouldn't have bothered to ever talk to me. You wouldn't have stabbed yourself in the finger and gotten us both in a lot of trouble just so I could have something that reminded me of a friend. You wouldn't have done anything at all if there was really nothing there.
You can have something in your heart - that something that's seen horrible things, done horrible things, that's hurt so much that you feel the whole world would be better if it fell all on top of you, but still be something, someone that feels all those horrible, wonderful things and still does something about them. Good or bad.
Even if all you do right now is to make the world try and think you are as unimportant as you say you are, why would you bother to do that if you thought there was nothing there? Why would you work so hard for nothing, when you don't think anyone else should, either???
No, you're not responsible to what I think. I know that. You're responsible to you, and your life, and the ones you care about, because that's what makes you you and nobody else, no matter how many lies you tell.
I told you I wouldn't give up on you, and I still won't - not because I think you can meet what I think of you, but because I want to see you do something for yourself. And I know you can, cause I see you do it all the time...
That's... why I have to apologize. For doing what I did to you at trial, even if you never realized it.
[ He really should never have humored her that first day, if he'd known everything would spiral down into this. Shouldn't've stabbed himself, shouldn't've lied to her, shouldn't've brought her hopes up with a promise he was never going to follow through with in the first place. Shouldn't've stayed by her side at trial, and let himself get comfortable, and think that maybe it would be okay if he helped a little and then checked out and let himself rest.
He shouldn't've tried at all, but he did, and now all he has for his efforts are regrets. Every time he tries to help, he just messes up and makes things worse. He would still do it all over again. It's been like this all his life, and he's never learned. ]
...I'm doing all this for people who are important to me. As long as they're happy... I don't care what I have to do. I'll be happy if they are.
[ me, also staring into the sun, because he'd thought she just meant the holding onto his arm, trying to get him to give into the weekly effects and settle down a little- which he did and felt better but also disgusted with himself the entire time.
But "something," during trial, and there's this dawning realization muddied up with horror. ]
That was you! I—-
[ No!!! Of course he would hate it. Who wouldn't, being made to feel such a way they aren't supposed to. Nobody likes being controlled, but more than that... ]
How are you supposed to believe in me, if you felt like you needed to use that?
[ As if the only way he could get through trial is to have his arm twisted behind his back. As if people won't look at him, suddenly nice and polite, and not be suspicious. ]
I-I-I didn't think it would... [--make things so horrible? Terrify him? He isn't wrong - this demolishes any sense of trust, and it hurts.]
P-please, if you're gonna yell at anyone about anything that happened, you... you can yell at me! Or throw things at me or tell people whatever you want, I-I...
I saw all the evidence, and all you were doing was telling people off, and... I...
[...]
I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have, no matter what I thought it would help, I... I thought it would make it easier for you, but... your faces, they... they all... [A choking sound.] I- I just made you hurt...
S-so do whatever you want, call me stupid as many times as you gotta, just... don't take it out on anybody else...!
[ He bites down on his bottom lip, on a spot that was split a week before and now it splits anew and he can taste blood on his tongue, sharp and acrid and strangely comforting amongst the throb that comes with it. Pain on his lip distracts him from the hurt in his chest, at the many faces he can't decide on and he can't imagine what his expression must look like now.
Probably, a little like he wants to cry, even if he hasn't done so in almost ten years. ]
...Stuuuuuupid. [ and a few more times, for good measure ] Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why would I take it out on anybody?
[ He rarely yells at people, never raises a hand against them, the worst he's done is toss fruit and vegetables and water in varying containers at people, but usually in this wimpy underhand toss, because of reasons he's not a violent person, and doesn't portray himself as an angry one.
Even if he feels it! like right now! angry and sad and confused. ]
There are better ways of helping, you know? You could just be there. You don't have to do anything, but be.
[ Give him time, and space, and let him open up at his own pace. There are just some things you can't push people towards. ]
[I don't want to have to see someone cry for losing someone they love. I don't want to have to feel sorry for my choices ever again.
The same regrets bubble up in her chest like acid, forcing her mouth closed and her tears to start travelling down her face. But she ducks her head down, presses her fists against the barrier.
"Don't apologize", he'd said, so vibrantly and strange to someone else at trial. She's already said sorry so much as it is, and the word feels useless on her lips.
...]
I...
I can't just be who I am for your sake if you aren't here to watch me... to ask me things and tell me when I'm wrong... to call me stupid and pushy and stubborn...
[ He blinks, the name hitting foreign and deep and wrenching, wanting to say something about their promise or of deserving or all these stupid frivolous things that don't matter anymore, has never mattered in the first place. His hand bumps into the barrier and he blinks again, in surprise, brain slow to catch up on why he can't reach over there and pat Hikaru on the head— he never did that for her, and now he won't ever be able to.
The fist drops in his lap and he sits back, regarding the girl in front of him. ]
"Shuuya-kun" hasn't existed for a long time, you know? Not since... [ since everything went to hell and kept being hell, since he put on his mask and became just "Kano" ]
Do what you want. You know, from the beginning, it would've been easier if you just did what you want. Somebody like me, who nobody can trust, how can I trust anybody who would trust me over themselves?
[ Terrible idea!! It's impossible to make somebody feel a certain way, especially with somebody who is so deliberate with the way he expresses himself. ]
What's wrong with treating you like a kid, anyways? You're a kid. You're stupid, and you make a whole bunch of mistakes, but you learn and you get better. Isn't that fine?
[It hits a little bit of a nerve, but after how much they'd talked at trial, Hikaru knows better than to get offended.]
...Not when people treat me like there's things I haven't seen or done, just because I'm young or because I choose to think a certain way. I'm fine being who I am, but... I can't grow up and get any better if people won't give me the chance, and I have to be able to make that decision for myself.
...
Shuuya-kun... [Her face still twists a bit, still embarrassed, but he's going to die why is she hesitating...!!!] ...You're not much older than I am, right?
[ He doesn't really blame them for it, because little kids shouldn't have to see everything that they see. Kano's gotten a rough enough start that there's no helping it, but with others... ]
Like, a couple years. A lot can happen in that much time.
[ He's still older than you, Hikaru! He won't have the "you're a kid too" argument pointed back at him. ]
Mn. A lot can happen in just a couple weeks. A couple years is a lot of time. [She's not a fan of that argument so we won't have any of it in this wendy's.]
I meant more... do you know how it's like, to be talked to like that, even when you're older? Being treated like you don't know how things feel, just cause of how you look or how old you are, when that's not the case?
[ All the time. Look at him, Hikaru. He practically invites it, all the scolding and the lectures that he gets, when all he does is laugh and play it up. ]
I mean more like... like trying to hide you away from the idea of ever having to kill someone, even though you've done it before. Or of knowing what it might be like to be dying.
Mn. Adults do it here. I get why, because they can't read minds or anything, but...
[It still sucks? It still really sucks.
At the question, she just shakes her head.]
Nobody did.
I was brought into something like this place and told I was needed for something important, and I didn't know any better. I made a choice that made me think I was gonna be a hero... and instead, I killed multiple people with my own hands, not knowing who they really were or what they wanted, and only led to an entire world completely, literally, falling apart. All because I couldn't bother to learn for myself until I'd already gone too far.
I'm not gonna judge people for patting me on the head and shielding me from having to see death here... but it still makes me angry, because I already have enough blood on my hands for not keeping my eyes open.
[ I am so sorry that Kano listens to how much this is and his gut reaction is just "what a chuunibyou" HE COMES FROM A NORMAL WORLD WITH NORMAL THINGS ]
...you were really really stupid.
[ Like holy shit? Wow! ]
You can really only get better from here, and, like, people protect people who are important to them, right? It's not 'cause you're a kid that they want to shield you, it's 'cause you're important.
[ It's the same with him, that twist in his gut that makes him want to physically repel the words, but at things like protecting and importance. ]
Nnnnno. It'd be better if I weren't important to anybody here. Like, the only person who really tried today was Shiro, but, like, offering to take the blame for everything? That's the opposite of what I want.
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Hikaru always does so much- is so much- and it's so stupid because he isn't worth any of it. That's the one truth he's always clung to, has to to avoid drowning in this sea of lies he grapples with every day. He's useless, unimportant, stupid, mean— a perfect scapegoat. Tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, everybody will forget and things will go back to normal. It will be better without him.
Their truths are incompatible, but at least his carries hope. ]
You're so stupid, [ he whispers ] It's not my responsibility to live up to whatever you think of me. I'm not a good person. I've done a lot of bad things. I can't... I can't explain anything. I can't talk about anything. Nothing good will come out of being friends with me. There's nothing inside.
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If there was nothing there, then you wouldn't have bothered to ever talk to me. You wouldn't have stabbed yourself in the finger and gotten us both in a lot of trouble just so I could have something that reminded me of a friend. You wouldn't have done anything at all if there was really nothing there.
You can have something in your heart - that something that's seen horrible things, done horrible things, that's hurt so much that you feel the whole world would be better if it fell all on top of you, but still be something, someone that feels all those horrible, wonderful things and still does something about them. Good or bad.
Even if all you do right now is to make the world try and think you are as unimportant as you say you are, why would you bother to do that if you thought there was nothing there? Why would you work so hard for nothing, when you don't think anyone else should, either???
No, you're not responsible to what I think. I know that. You're responsible to you, and your life, and the ones you care about, because that's what makes you you and nobody else, no matter how many lies you tell.
I told you I wouldn't give up on you, and I still won't - not because I think you can meet what I think of you, but because I want to see you do something for yourself. And I know you can, cause I see you do it all the time...
That's... why I have to apologize. For doing what I did to you at trial, even if you never realized it.
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He shouldn't've tried at all, but he did, and now all he has for his efforts are regrets. Every time he tries to help, he just messes up and makes things worse. He would still do it all over again. It's been like this all his life, and he's never learned. ]
...I'm doing all this for people who are important to me. As long as they're happy... I don't care what I have to do. I'll be happy if they are.
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Don't you think that you saying all these things about yourself... wouldn't the people you care about be happier knowing you were there with them?
...
I... knew you were going to try to be mean, with how you started talking to people... I... got really scared, and I didn't... I didn't want you to...
...
[Her throat locks up for a moment, swallowing hard.]
I... did something to you. During trial. I never thought of how you'd feel, but I...
If I hadn't, then... maybe people wouldn't have taken you seriously... maybe you would still b-be okay...
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But "something," during trial, and there's this dawning realization muddied up with horror. ]
That was you! I—-
[ No!!! Of course he would hate it. Who wouldn't, being made to feel such a way they aren't supposed to. Nobody likes being controlled, but more than that... ]
How are you supposed to believe in me, if you felt like you needed to use that?
[ As if the only way he could get through trial is to have his arm twisted behind his back. As if people won't look at him, suddenly nice and polite, and not be suspicious. ]
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P-please, if you're gonna yell at anyone about anything that happened, you... you can yell at me! Or throw things at me or tell people whatever you want, I-I...
I saw all the evidence, and all you were doing was telling people off, and... I...
[...]
I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have, no matter what I thought it would help, I... I thought it would make it easier for you, but... your faces, they... they all... [A choking sound.] I- I just made you hurt...
S-so do whatever you want, call me stupid as many times as you gotta, just... don't take it out on anybody else...!
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Probably, a little like he wants to cry, even if he hasn't done so in almost ten years. ]
...Stuuuuuupid. [ and a few more times, for good measure ] Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why would I take it out on anybody?
[ He rarely yells at people, never raises a hand against them, the worst he's done is toss fruit and vegetables and water in varying containers at people, but usually in this wimpy underhand toss, because of reasons he's not a violent person, and doesn't portray himself as an angry one.
Even if he feels it! like right now! angry and sad and confused. ]
There are better ways of helping, you know? You could just be there. You don't have to do anything, but be.
[ Give him time, and space, and let him open up at his own pace. There are just some things you can't push people towards. ]
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The same regrets bubble up in her chest like acid, forcing her mouth closed and her tears to start travelling down her face. But she ducks her head down, presses her fists against the barrier.
"Don't apologize", he'd said, so vibrantly and strange to someone else at trial. She's already said sorry so much as it is, and the word feels useless on her lips.
...]
I...
I can't just be who I am for your sake if you aren't here to watch me... to ask me things and tell me when I'm wrong... to call me stupid and pushy and stubborn...
[And, perhaps until this moment, "kind".]
I can't help Shuuya-kun if you're already gone!
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The fist drops in his lap and he sits back, regarding the girl in front of him. ]
"Shuuya-kun" hasn't existed for a long time, you know? Not since... [ since everything went to hell and kept being hell, since he put on his mask and became just "Kano" ]
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With an almost comical delay, even more so given the tears still on her face, her hand immediately slaps over her mouth.
Oops.]
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laughs at her reaction ]
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/////]
Do... you not want me to call you that?
I'm sorry, I... um...
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Do what you want. You know, from the beginning, it would've been easier if you just did what you want. Somebody like me, who nobody can trust, how can I trust anybody who would trust me over themselves?
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Can't it be both?
It's not like I don't trust myself, you know...? And I've always wanted to trust you. I just...
[This... feels wrong to say, given what he just spat at her, and her posture tightens.]
I... wanted to give you space, I guess. To have a reason to trust me and not treat me like I was a kid. You can't just ask somebody to do that.
Just... just like you shouldn't force people to feel things they don't want to feel.
Right?
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[ Terrible idea!! It's impossible to make somebody feel a certain way, especially with somebody who is so deliberate with the way he expresses himself. ]
What's wrong with treating you like a kid, anyways? You're a kid. You're stupid, and you make a whole bunch of mistakes, but you learn and you get better. Isn't that fine?
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...Not when people treat me like there's things I haven't seen or done, just because I'm young or because I choose to think a certain way. I'm fine being who I am, but... I can't grow up and get any better if people won't give me the chance, and I have to be able to make that decision for myself.
...
Shuuya-kun... [Her face still twists a bit, still embarrassed, but he's going to die why is she hesitating...!!!] ...You're not much older than I am, right?
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Like, a couple years. A lot can happen in that much time.
[ He's still older than you, Hikaru! He won't have the "you're a kid too" argument pointed back at him. ]
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I meant more... do you know how it's like, to be talked to like that, even when you're older? Being treated like you don't know how things feel, just cause of how you look or how old you are, when that's not the case?
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[ All the time. Look at him, Hikaru. He practically invites it, all the scolding and the lectures that he gets, when all he does is laugh and play it up. ]
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I mean more like... like trying to hide you away from the idea of ever having to kill someone, even though you've done it before. Or of knowing what it might be like to be dying.
...Stuff like that.
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Uh. No. That's the sorta thing good parents or responsible adults do for kids, right?
[ There was nobody to protect him from that sort of thing, but also, ]
Who made you kill?
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[It still sucks? It still really sucks.
At the question, she just shakes her head.]
Nobody did.
I was brought into something like this place and told I was needed for something important, and I didn't know any better. I made a choice that made me think I was gonna be a hero... and instead, I killed multiple people with my own hands, not knowing who they really were or what they wanted, and only led to an entire world completely, literally, falling apart. All because I couldn't bother to learn for myself until I'd already gone too far.
I'm not gonna judge people for patting me on the head and shielding me from having to see death here... but it still makes me angry, because I already have enough blood on my hands for not keeping my eyes open.
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[ I am so sorry that Kano listens to how much this is and his gut reaction is just "what a chuunibyou" HE COMES FROM A NORMAL WORLD WITH NORMAL THINGS ]
...you were really really stupid.
[ Like holy shit? Wow! ]
You can really only get better from here, and, like, people protect people who are important to them, right? It's not 'cause you're a kid that they want to shield you, it's 'cause you're important.
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Unlike the other times he's just outright called her a dumbass, this time she flinches visibly, curling up on herself for a bit.]
Yeah. I know.
[And she sounds like she wants to throw up about that so MOVING ON]
You know people could probably say the same thing for you, right?
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[ It's the same with him, that twist in his gut that makes him want to physically repel the words, but at things like protecting and importance. ]
Nnnnno. It'd be better if I weren't important to anybody here. Like, the only person who really tried today was Shiro, but, like, offering to take the blame for everything? That's the opposite of what I want.
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god this isnt the expression i want but its what youre getting
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